Parenting Methods

[zmflavius]

Discuss (http://tinyurl.com/2v8fg3k)

[Doolipalally]

Some of the reasons why I'm happy to pass on having children.

[spencer]

Wow. I will just say that I pity that woman.

[Elrond]

My kids are only 4 and 5 years old; so I'm a bit green behind the ears when it comes to parenting. At this stage of their lives, my main concern is not to kill their imagination and creativity; and to promote their confidence and personality. It is tempting to try and make the kids a photocopy of something I have in my mind; but that will (I think) take out their potential at being exceptional in the future.

[Scarbrow]

I pity the children more. There's also her answer to some comments (http://blogs.wsj.com/ideas-market/2011/01/13/the-tiger-mother-responds-to-readers/?mod=WSJ_article_related), where she shows to be not so fierce. In fact, I got the impression of the article you linked being just the first part of something, lacking a "case of failure" which was going to appear later.

Anyway, I have no kids yet, but I can share my personal experience from the other side. I was raised by a strict father. Maybe not so strict as a Chinese mother, but with many of the same traits: spending long hours with me, wouldn't let me fail, always expected me to be the best of the best. Fortunately, not so many restrictions on going out (although he died when I was just 10, so he didn't really get the chance). I will attest that worked wonders for my school reports, at least while he lived. It also (almost) ruined my life, starting by the social abilities that I lacked for so many years and ending with a persistent reluctance to anything related to academic studies that lasts to this day. I left university after losing time for years, and only now, after intensive therapy, I'm beginning to contemplate going back.

So, if and when I have children, I plan to be one of the "total support" types of father. Spending all the hours I can with them, and encouraging them to achieve the best they're able. But that's that. A parent's role is to serve as a model, a supporting cane to guide the growth, not a slave master, whip in hand. Had I witnessed the piano scene described in the article, I would probably not have kept my cool as much as her husband. And that's probably an understatement.

[Lightwielder]

You know, what irritates me more than the parenting concept of the Chinese is the article itself.

"Why Chinese Parents Are Superior."

That is pathetic and inherently indicates a biased article. Family honor has been a long-standing, traditional Chinese value. It's understandable(understanding, not supporting) that they raise them as such, and those parents were probably raised the same way by their parents.

And,(merely speculation here) if you think about it, their regional environment fits the idea, as well. This is China, the most heavily-populated country on the planet. They're taught to follow orders and instructions without question, and that helps keep them in line. I'm not saying, like, hive-mind conspiracy where the government controls the parents' teachings or anything, but it all does seem to fit together too well to be merely coincidence. Eh, I'm rambling with speculation again.

Either way, I'm more irritated by the article itself. I still believe that the "Western" parental methods are what allow us to be so diverse. That, in my opinion, is a good thing.

[Young Ned]

And now, more of what the Wall Street Journal didn't tell you: "The Tiger Mother Speaks" (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/01/20/DDNG1HATR0.DTL).

In a nutshell: her book is a memoir, not a how-to manual; much of it is about her decision to retreat from the strict "Chinese" approach; she didn't choose which parts the WSJ would excerpt from her book, which of course were the most controversial parts; nor did she choose the title "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior". Blame the WSJ for that title, not her. Her book's title is Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

[paladin]

I remember hearing about that. The Paladin as yet doesn'thave any kids but those of you who've known me for the entire six years I've been on the form (almost seven now actually), will remember my engagement of three years ago. She had three kids from a prior marriage and it couldn't have been clearer that she viewed me as a tiger father. Her philosophy was kids will be kids, though taken much further than anyone with any common sense would choose to take that belief. And while I wouldn't consider myself strict I was raised in a family that didn't tolerate a lot of acting out. If our behavior passed a certain threshhold of what was considered acceptable behavior, whether public or at home, we were punished accordingly. Wll my former fiance seemed to blieve that disciplining kids, well grounding them at any rate, stopped them from being little. And yet it was perfectly fine to spank them with whatever came to hand and to scream and swear at them as you did. Yet the one time I grounded them from visiting my folks, she reacted as though I'd been caught beating them with a big white stick of some kind. Fortunately so far my wie and I seem to agree on parenting methods, tose being to discipline them whenever they require it but to e fair when doing so, and to encourage them in whatever they have an interest in, be it extracurricular activities in school or sports or whatever. Basically to give them the kind of life Maria didn't have. Her early childhood was relatively normal but from age twelve onward her parents more or less ignored her. So she has a lot of emotioal baggage as a result and we're working on dealing with it. So our goal when we decide to have kids is not to repeat the mistakes of her folks.

[Young Ned]

I remember hearing about that. The Paladin as yet doesn't have any kids but those of you who've known me for the entire six years I've been on the form (almost seven now actually), will remember my engagement of three years ago. She had three kids from a prior marriage and it couldn't have been clearer that she viewed me as a tiger father. Her philosophy was kids will be kids, though taken much further than anyone with any common sense would choose to take that belief.

Hmm, sounds like she may have been raised in an extremely strict family and decided she would never treat her kids like that. People can go to real extremes when they're rebelling against their parents.

So our goal when we decide to have kids is not to repeat the mistakes of her folks.

I've heard that when setting goals, it's better not to state them in a negative form -- that is, what you're NOT going to do -- because that tends to focus your thoughts on the very things you don't want to do, making it more likely you'll do them. So you may prefer to think of it in terms of what you WANT to do, to focus your thoughts on the good stuff rather than the bad.

[Scarbrow]

I've heard that when setting goals, it's better not to state them in a negative form -- that is, what you're NOT going to do -- because that tends to focus your thoughts on the very things you don't want to do, making it more likely you'll do them. So you may prefer to think of it in terms of what you WANT to do, to focus your thoughts on the good stuff rather than the bad.

That's good advice. I'll try to keep it in mind if I ever get to that situation