The Giggle Bag [Archive] - Page 2

Oldschool

05-05-2010, 03:30 AM

If it's new posts you wants.... it's new posts you gets........

Did you hear about the evil wizard who liked to give people hickeys?
He was a neck romancer.

An archmage with a drinking problem has a brilliant idea: he animates his shoes so that no matter how stinking drunk he gets, the shoes will always be able to lead him home.
And for a month or so, this works wonderfully. But soon, he finds himself waking up in strange places – he begins drinking in Eversink and wake up in Gaunt, or the Underdark, or Sigil. Finally he realizes that the shoes had gotten bored with just going back to his home every night, and had become adventurers.
This won’t do at all. He sells the shoes. They come back. He gives the shoes away. They come back. He opens a portal to Elemental Fire, and tosses the shoes in. They don’t come back.
Soon the archmage starts to feel guilty. After all, he’d given the shoes life, and then casually destroyed them when they became inconvenient. So he searches out all the greatest clerics on the face of the world, hoping for some way to ease his guilt. Finally, a half-mad hermit tells him that he doesn’t need to worry – the shoes entered the Seven Heavens immediately, and are enjoying eternal bliss.
Because it turns out, shoes have soles.

An animated rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The Half Orc bartender says gruffly, “We don’t serve animated ropes in here – now get out!”
Dejected the rope leaves.
5 rounds later, the rope returns wearing a bad disguise - one end has all the strands unraveled resembling a blonde wig, and the other end tied up in a bow.
The savvy bartender is not fooled. Enraged he says, "Hey! Aren't you that animated rope I kicked out of here just a few rounds ago?!"
To which the rope smoothly replies, "Nope, I’m a frayed knot…"
Be careful what you ask for..... ;)

From: http://jjtone.com/wp/archives/2004/09/16/rpg-jokes/

Lightwielder

05-05-2010, 04:17 AM

Be careful what you ask for.....;)

Ah, but read my post again. I didn't ask, I simply...commented.

Semantics for the win.

Lugwy

05-05-2010, 07:25 AM

You deserve to be shot for that last pun. :mad:

Kidding, kidding. But it did make me wince. :p

Oldschool

05-05-2010, 01:05 PM

Slightly off color warning

Now that I've got everyone's attention. ;)

Semantics.... semantics.... you say?

Little Jordan was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d
been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked
her, “Grandma, what is it called when people sleep on top of each
other?”

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s
called sexual intercourse, darling.”Then she explained all about the
birds and the bees to him in detail.

Little Jordan just said, “OK” and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma,
it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called bunk beds!”
Hopefully that's a bit better Lugwy.

texlaw1992

05-09-2010, 03:38 AM

One of Badstench's latest stories mentioned a mule, which reminded me of this joke:

A man is just about to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary and is interviewed by the local paper. The reporter asks how he has been married for so long.

Well, the man says, it started on our honeymoon. We went to Hawaii and I rented a mule for her to ride on while we went down into a volcanic crater. I led the mule.

As I was leading the mule down the path, the mule stumbled. The wife glared at the mule and mumbled under her breath "that's one."

The mule stumbled again as we kept going. The wife glared again and mumbled under her breath "that's two."

We kept going and the mule stumbled a third time. The wife glared, mumbled under her breath "that's three," got off the mule, pulled out a pistol and killed the mule!

I screamed "Are you crazy? Why did you shoot the mule?"

She glared at me and mumbled under her breath "that's one ..."

Oldschool

05-25-2010, 02:53 AM

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out
of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are
good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his
mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it
in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting
bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little
whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the
lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that
same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

spencer

05-25-2010, 12:57 PM

One of my favorites. I cut and pasted from online, but I have told this one in person many times:

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to
him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me , Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday".

Young Ned

05-25-2010, 09:07 PM

Thanks, Oldschool & Spencer; I enjoyed both of those. :)

Oldschool

05-26-2010, 01:45 AM

http://www.jokersrevenge.com/one-liner13.htm

Oldschool

06-03-2010, 02:06 AM

Sort of along the lines of brain teasers but if you "play" you'll get why they're in the 'Giggle Bag'.

What is after 5?

What is the next thing in this sequence?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ?

Answer

"What".

The title is 'What' is after 5.

Haystacks

If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in one field?

Answer

One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

Young Ned

06-03-2010, 09:40 AM

Heh, clever. After seeing the answer to the first one, I got the answer to the second one on my own.

Doolipalally

06-03-2010, 01:09 PM

I thought the answer to the second one would be 'there isn't a centre field', given there are only two mentioned. Got distracted by that, and missed the 'obvious' actual answer!

Nice one, have a rep.

spencer

06-03-2010, 01:11 PM

OK, I will add one.

How far can you run into the woods?

Halfway. After halfway, you're running out of the woods.

Oldschool

06-03-2010, 01:27 PM

Unless you're in Srythian woods it seems. ;)

Lightwielder

06-03-2010, 05:33 PM

Unless you're in Srythian woods it seems. ;)

Yes, truth in it's entirety.

Srythian woods seem to have some sort of strange dimensional shift. You can walk into the woods infinitely from and in any direction, but walking out is just simple backtracking.(Usually)

Young Ned

06-03-2010, 06:12 PM

I thought the answer to the second one would be 'there isn't a centre field', given there are only two mentioned. Got distracted by that, and missed the 'obvious' actual answer!

Good point. The question did state "one field" and "the other field", implying that there were only two.

Oldschool

06-04-2010, 12:38 AM

Good point - edited post accordingly.

Here's another to make up for it.

What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?

Hint: Chim chimminy.

Answer:

An umbrella.

Dariel

06-04-2010, 12:52 AM

I'm trying to remember... is that from Mary Poppins?

thingirl

06-04-2010, 12:55 AM

Yes. And now I can't get Spoonful of Sugar out of my head.

Oldschool

06-04-2010, 12:56 AM

Correct Dariel.

Dariel

06-04-2010, 12:57 AM

Supercalifragilistcexpialidocious. (That's how it's spelled :D) WHY DO I KNOW THESE THINGS?

Mary Poppins was an awesome movie.

Lightwielder

06-04-2010, 01:02 AM

Mary Poppins was an awesome movie.

I can't read this part of it with the Sryth background. Was it your intention to make it blend in, Dariel? If not, try to avoid that font, because it's difficult to read.

Dariel

06-04-2010, 01:08 AM

I intended for it to be like that. I wanted to be more like TG :D

She's my role model.

zmflavius

06-04-2010, 01:11 AM

Ummm...

thingirl

06-04-2010, 01:11 AM

Really? Awww, thanks for saying that. Now I get your excessive posting that earrily (whatever) reminds me of me. :)

@ Lightwielder: You can highlight the text to read it. :)

@ Zm: Your point? You think I'm a bad role model? (spelling aside)

Lightwielder

06-04-2010, 01:38 AM

Really? Awww, thanks for saying that. Now I get your excessive posting that earrily (whatever) reminds me of me. :)

@ Lightwielder: You can highlight the text to read it. :)
I know, but only if I know it's there.

@ Zm: Your point? You think I'm a bad role model? (spelling aside)
I'm certain he meant he's not sure. Or did he...*cue creepy, ominous echo*

zmflavius

06-04-2010, 02:58 AM

Hell, no. I think your an awsome role model.

Dariel

06-04-2010, 03:28 AM

I lol'd.

I didn't mean to..xD

Young Ned

06-04-2010, 09:59 AM

Supercalifragilistcexpialidocious. (That's how it's spelled :D)

Well, almost. You left out the I between the T and the C in "fragilistic".

My favorite line from the song:

Mary: Of course you can say it backwards, which is "dociousaliexpilisticfragicalirupes", but that's going a bit too far, don't you think?
Bert: Indubitably.

spencer

06-04-2010, 10:51 AM

Indubitably is another great word :)

Oldschool

06-04-2010, 11:59 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3zAbQ0aMK8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bmIKrU2jQU

:D

Lightwielder

06-04-2010, 04:49 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3zAbQ0aMK8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bmIKrU2jQU

:D

You scare me, Oldschool.

(You know, I never actually watched Mary Poppins, but naturally, this song still reached my ears. It's just so popular.)

Oldschool

06-04-2010, 05:08 PM

You think that's scary......?

Obviously you ain't seen the Director's Cut. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic) :cool::D

Lightwielder

06-04-2010, 07:44 PM

You think that's scary......?

Obviously you ain't seen the Director's Cut. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic) :cool::D

Wow...some people have too much time on their hands.

Dariel

06-04-2010, 08:25 PM

Well, almost. You left out the I between the T and the C in "fragilistic".

Thanks, didn't notice. Damn you, delete button!

EDIT: Wow, that "Director's cut" actually scared me a little. XD

zmflavius

06-10-2010, 11:04 PM

A man was drowning in a lake. A boat drives by and the boater says,

"Do you need help?"
"No, God will save me."

The boat leaves and a second shows up. The second boater says,

"Do you need help?"
"No, God will save me."

He drowns and appears before God. He asks God,

"Why didn't you save me?"
"I sent two boats after you!"

Oldschool

06-15-2010, 02:56 AM

Tallys... Adventurer extraordinaire working in conjunction with The House of Arkol is proud to announce Familar Armour.....

http://www.designverb.com/wp-content/images/2008/02/jeffdeboer.cat4.jpg

http://www.hemmy.net/images/animals/dogarmor.jpg

http://www.lifeinthefastlane.ca/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/body_armor_dog_1.jpg

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/129/335920013_7a91aac68d.jpg

http://www.pitbullarmory.com/sitebuilder/images/Naked_squirrel_dressed-342x465.jpg

Dariel

06-15-2010, 03:27 AM

Ha HAH! With that new armor, my squirrel army will be invincible! FEEL THE WRATH OF THE MIGHTY ACORN. C:<

Young Ned

06-15-2010, 09:06 AM

Those toys! Where did you get those wonderful toys?!

These are great. I feel sorry for those dogs, though; some of that armor looks really heavy.

An armored squirrel is a pretty scary concept -- those guys can be pretty aggressive even without armor!

spencer

06-15-2010, 08:18 PM

Lugwy

06-16-2010, 06:33 AM

So one day the devil, in all his fire and brimstone glory, descends upon a hapless church and puts an epic display of power and might to intimidate the churchgoers. The congregation, upon seeing the chaos their nemesis was capable of, quickly fled the church...except for one old man, who continues praying solemnly.

The devil approaches the man, and holds out his hand in front of the mortal's face. The hand catches fire, singeing the man's wispy gray moustache, but the man continues praying, either oblivious or ignorant of the presence before him.

"So," the devil finally boomed, "why didn't you flee from my power like all those other pitiful followers?"

The old man opened his eyes and looked squarely at the devil, unafraid. "Because I have been married to your sister for forty-five years."

spencer

06-16-2010, 01:34 PM

zmflavius

06-20-2010, 10:17 PM

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business ....
" ... Now give me back my dog."

Young Ned

06-23-2010, 10:51 PM

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is. "Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say 'Of course I will.' "

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what actually came out was, 'Of course I do.' "

Badstench

07-02-2010, 09:33 PM

First, a disclaimer... to Lightwielder: The following is not a personal attack on you. I saw a comment you made in the thread, "What do you like in the game of Sryth", and thought I'd have some fun with it.

Lightwielder said:
One thing I think I would like changed is that the Demonic/Saintly weapons change your alignment permanently, not JUST while you have them equipped. It pretty much negates the value of alignment, because it can be changed at any time.

Judge Fury is cleaning his weapons, currently alternating between his Shimmering Silver Longsword and Iakor's Deathblade. He replies:

"Oh, my goodness, you are so right. The beacon of iilumination that you are deserves a boost to your reputation for such a short-sighted comment, you ear-beating spitter of nonsense. What do you mean by alignment? why, there's only one true way of dealing with life... harshly, I say! Do unto others first!"

Not that the donations to the Cathedral in Talinus aren't welcome; it gladdens my heart to know the priests offer comfort to the poor and downtrodden through their good deeds, and that's why I dress in rags sometimes. If a hand-out is being given, hell, I deserve it just as much as those warts on the back of society.

The world is full of good people doing marvelous things for the continuation of a harmonious existence. Happy and contented citizens are less likely to trangress against the Law or against Srythak, not that I really give two hoots. I'm just as happy and content to see Judge Gallows hang 'em all if they put a step out of line.

Well said, Lightwielder. your comment was appreciated like a hole in the head!

Lightwielder

07-02-2010, 11:25 PM

Disclaimer disregarded, 'cause I loved it.

Rather creative, Badstench.

Oldschool

07-06-2010, 12:32 AM

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money, called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."

Dont use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Badstench

07-10-2010, 12:22 AM

Further to a point in Oldschool's list above... this one:
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
There was a news item on TV the other night (regional news - it was hardly of earth-shattering significance). This is a long story, but true, and hellishly funny.

An old lady drove her mobility scooter to MacDonalds. She was refused entry, even though they had wheelchair access and there was a guy inside sitting on a power chair. The reason was that the scooter was considered to be a non-handicapping vehicle and was not permitted inside.

As the old lady sat outside, a guy on a motorized scooter (the 'stand-up' variety) scooted up to the door, folded the handle down, hoisted the whole thing under his arm, and walked in to order a burger.

The old lady, not to be denied her MacDonalds, promptly scooted around to the Drive-thru and, after ordering at the intercom, proceeded to the window to collect her order.

The same guy who had denied her entry (the supervising manager) prevented her order from being completed and told her that the mobility scooter did not constitute a proper vehicle and was, according to health and safety regulations, not permitted on the drive-thru concourse.

Understandably, the old lady was upset and started to argue, whereupon the manager closed the window and waved her away. At that moment, a police car pulled up behind her. The officers were picking up their lunch, but when they saw the distressed old lady, they went to see what was wrong. She told them.

One of the policemen rapped on the window. When it was opened, the policeman was very polite, but insisted that the old lady be served her order. The manager duly complied. the old lady got her food and scooted around the corner to eat her $3 burger.

As the police car drove out of the drive-thru, she waved happily at the officers, but as soon as they were out of sight, she stood up, walked into the restaurant and whacked the manager over the head with an umbrella!

The manager phoned the police to complain of an assault-in-progress. The very same policemen who had helped the old lady arrived shortly after, by which time she was sitting back on her scooter outside.

The policemen took the manager's statement with a smirk, and asked to see the injury caused by the old lady. There was no injury, except to the manager's dignity, but he continued to insist that the old lady be arrested.

Without physical proof that any assault had taken place, the policemen had to resort to questioning possible witnesses, and here's the funny thing... not one customer or staff member could recall seeing any such assault, though one guy did mention that the manager was a wanker, and if he had been assaulted, he thoroughly deserved it.

The whole incident only came to the attention of the news people because, not long afterward, one of the staff members was dismissed. The reason for the dismissal was given as 'incompetency and failure to adhere to the accepted conditions of employment'.

The staff member took a "grievance claim" of unfair dismissal against MacDonalds, insisting that she was singled out because she didn't corroborate the manager's assault complaint.

And here's where it gets twisted!

In trying to be compensated for her dismissal, the ex-employee had to admit that there had, indeed, been an assault, but that she had felt pressured into saying otherwise in an effort to stand with her workmates.

She lost her grievance case and was counter-claimed against by MacDonalds for court costs. The ex-employee then approached the news people, feeling she had been unfairly dealt with

The debate that ensued on TV was whether the manager was well within his rights to refuse the old lady service because of the health and safety issues surrounding her scooter, but the practical outcome manifested by a barrage of emails to the TV station by hundreds of viewers.

Without exception, the manager was vilified for being , in the words of the other customer, a wanker.

The debate continues to rage.

Lightwielder

07-10-2010, 05:38 AM

Further to a point in Oldschool's list above... this one:

There was a news item on TV the other night (regional news - it was hardly of earth-shattering significance). This is a long story, but true, and hellishly funny.

An old lady drove her mobility scooter to MacDonalds. She was refused entry, even though they had wheelchair access and there was a guy inside sitting on a power chair. The reason was that the scooter was considered to be a non-handicapping vehicle and was not permitted inside.

As the old lady sat outside, a guy on a motorized scooter (the 'stand-up' variety) scooted up to the door, folded the handle down, hoisted the whole thing under his arm, and walked in to order a burger.

The old lady, not to be denied her MacDonalds, promptly scooted around to the Drive-thru and, after ordering at the intercom, proceeded to the window to collect her order.

The same guy who had denied her entry (the supervising manager) prevented her order from being completed and told her that the mobility scooter did not constitute a proper vehicle and was, according to health and safety regulations, not permitted on the drive-thru concourse.

Understandably, the old lady was upset and started to argue, whereupon the manager closed the window and waved her away. At that moment, a police car pulled up behind her. The officers were picking up their lunch, but when they saw the distressed old lady, they went to see what was wrong. She told them.

One of the policemen rapped on the window. When it was opened, the policeman was very polite, but insisted that the old lady be served her order. The manager duly complied. the old lady got her food and scooted around the corner to eat her $3 burger.

As the police car drove out of the drive-thru, she waved happily at the officers, but as soon as they were out of sight, she stood up, walked into the restaurant and whacked the manager over the head with an umbrella!

The manager phoned the police to complain of an assault-in-progress. The very same policemen who had helped the old lady arrived shortly after, by which time she was sitting back on her scooter outside.

The policemen took the manager's statement with a smirk, and asked to see the injury caused by the old lady. There was no injury, except to the manager's dignity, but he continued to insist that the old lady be arrested.

Without physical proof that any assault had taken place, the policemen had to resort to questioning possible witnesses, and here's the funny thing... not one customer or staff member could recall seeing any such assault, though one guy did mention that the manager was a wanker, and if he had been assaulted, he thoroughly deserved it.

The whole incident only came to the attention of the news people because, not long afterward, one of the staff members was dismissed. The reason for the dismissal was given as 'incompetency and failure to adhere to the accepted conditions of employment'.

The staff member took a "grievance claim" of unfair dismissal against MacDonalds, insisting that she was singled out because she didn't corroborate the manager's assault complaint.

And here's where it gets twisted!

In trying to be compensated for her dismissal, the ex-employee had to admit that there had, indeed, been an assault, but that she had felt pressured into saying otherwise in an effort to stand with her workmates.

She lost her grievance case and was counter-claimed against by MacDonalds for court costs. The ex-employee then approached the news people, feeling she had been unfairly dealt with

The debate that ensued on TV was whether the manager was well within his rights to refuse the old lady service because of the health and safety issues surrounding her scooter, but the practical outcome manifested by a barrage of emails to the TV station by hundreds of viewers.

Without exception, the manager was vilified for being , in the words of the other customer, a wanker.

The debate continues to rage.

Rather sad. World politics are always going to be twisted and corrupted, but it's these little things that REALLY irritate me; or should I say how upset people get over these little things is what irritates me?

(See second sigi quote)

Young Ned

07-10-2010, 08:49 AM

Frankly, that manager was a wanker. If you're going to deny the little old lady from coming inside on her motorized scooter, on the (dubious) grounds that it's not an indoor vehicle, you can't then deny her using the drive-through window by claiming it's not an outdoor vehicle either!! What a putz. :mad:

If I were that manager's manager, he'd have been fired and the little old lady would have gotten a couple dozen discount coupons.

Badstench

07-10-2010, 09:22 AM

I agree, Young Ned, but that's not the point.

The manager had followed the procedures as dictated by company policy, and the policy had been arrived at through adherence to Employer regulations, as well as Health and Safety strictures.

Consider this... if the old lady had met an accident while driving through or being parked at the drive-thru, she could have claimed against MacDonalds for negligence causing injury.

The manager was only doing his best to protect the company he worked for.

But that's not why this matter became public.

In the end, the old lady got her burger, as outrageous as it seems that she should have been subjected to her ordeal.

We now have a young girl, fired from her job, for no other reason than she stood by her workmates to something they didn't agree with.

So, we already know the supervising manager is a wanker, but what about the franchise company, MacDonalds. They counter-claimed against the ex-employee for court costs.

That was their right. But is it right?

Lugwy

07-11-2010, 03:47 AM

There's a reason why there's a D&D alignment called "Lawful Evil (http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2008/6/21/633496867000575678-Lawful-Evil.jpg)" (warning: language). ;)

Young Ned

07-11-2010, 07:25 AM

The manager had followed the procedures as dictated by company policy, and the policy had been arrived at through adherence to Employer regulations, as well as Health and Safety strictures.

Oh? As originally described:

An old lady drove her mobility scooter to MacDonalds. She was refused entry, even though they had wheelchair access and there was a guy inside sitting on a power chair. The reason was that the scooter was considered to be a non-handicapping vehicle and was not permitted inside.

"Considered" by whom? The wanker manager? I very strongly doubt there is any employer regulation forbidding a little old lady on a "mobility scooter" from coming inside the restaurant. The very term "mobility scooter" implies that it IS for people who are handicapped or disabled in their mobility. I bet she uses it indoors all the time, at every shop and restaurant in town. Except this one.

Consider this... if the old lady had met an accident while driving through or being parked at the drive-thru, she could have claimed against MacDonalds for negligence causing injury.

Yeah, for forcing her to use the drive-through instead of letting her come inside! Again, you can't claim that the same vehicle is suitable neither for indoor nor for outdoor use. It's got to be one or the other. This wanker was trying to have it both ways. If it can't legally be used in a drive-through lane, then you have to let her come inside with it, because you have no right to forbid her from being served at all just because she needs a scooter to get around. That's discrimination against the disabled, and here in the U.S. it's illegal. I bet NZ has some laws about that, too.

We now have a young girl, fired from her job, for no other reason than she stood by her workmates to something they didn't agree with.

That's the part of the employee's story I find a bit dubious. She says:

The staff member took a "grievance claim" of unfair dismissal against MacDonalds, insisting that she was singled out because she didn't corroborate the manager's assault complaint.

But none of the employees corroborated his complaint. Why would she in particular have been "singled out"?

So, we already know the supervising manager is a wanker, but what about the franchise company, MacDonalds. They counter-claimed against the ex-employee for court costs.

That was their right. But is it right?

It's "McDonalds", incidentally. And if she really was fired for not sticking up for the manager, then it's not right, but then she should have won her grievance. Since she didn't, from their point of view it's "this person sued us for something that wasn't true, therefore we'll collect our court costs from her."

And I think we're getting way too serious for "The Giggle Bag". :)

Oh, and my wife and I both think the word "wanker" needs to become much more widely used here in the U.S. We need this word.

Doolipalally

07-11-2010, 07:56 AM

Oh, and my wife and I both think the word "wanker" needs to become much more widely used here in the U.S. We need this word.

There's a guy whose name I've seen on American TV credits whose surname is 'Wankum'. It's not a name you could get away with easily anywhere in the world where 'wanker' is commonly used!

Oldschool

07-12-2010, 12:31 AM

Oh, and my wife and I both think the word "wanker" needs to become much more widely used here in the U.S. We need this word.

Heartily seconded as we definitely have our own that needs proper labeling. ;)

thingirl

07-13-2010, 08:48 PM

JELLYFISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This guy's AWESOME!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iubJ-XSL9go

Interestingly enough, I'm about to go make lunch.

Young Ned

07-16-2010, 10:46 AM

JELLYFISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This guy's AWESOME!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iubJ-XSL9go

Haha, I like that. :)

Interestingly enough, I'm about to go make lunch.

Did you make a jelly-fish sandwich? (Sounds pretty nasty to me.)

thingirl

07-16-2010, 01:38 PM

I haven't been able to get the song out of my head since I first heard it. :p

And I almost did. But then I saw the cheese I was looking for and made grilled cheese instead. Yummy!

Oldschool

07-17-2010, 04:22 AM

WARNING: Hit the following link at your own risk. :rolleyes:;)

You may have young kids if.............

You hint a song link about a jellyfish sandwich and it is NOT the song about a jellyfish sandwich (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luwn7CS1T0w) that you were thinking about.

Young Ned

07-17-2010, 04:43 AM

Wow... who knew there were two different songs about jellyfish sandwiches?

Hmm... now I wonder if the one Thingirl posted was a response to the Spongebob one. That would explain why it keeps warning you that jellyfish sandwiches are deadly...

Oldschool

07-28-2010, 04:34 PM

If you haven't seen this one by Geico you might get a chuckle, I know I did.

For non baseball fans Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson was a MLB pitcher and one of the greats of the game.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yenuvSUKugc

Young Ned

07-31-2010, 08:01 PM

So nice you had to post it twice? :)

texlaw1992

07-31-2010, 11:10 PM

This was in the paper this morning:

An 80-year-old woman calls her doctor in a panic.

"Doctor, didn't you tell me I have to take my new medication for life?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Then why didn't you tell me how serious my condition is?

"Sorry?

"It says NO REFILLS!"

Young Ned

08-05-2010, 06:02 AM

Good one, tex! I laughed so loudly at that one that my wife heard me from the bedroom and asked what I was laughing at. I took the laptop in there and showed her, and she laughed too.

Here's one I've been meaning to post:

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

(What's especially funny is that all the Safeway supermarkets around here do have an automatic water mister in the produce departments that makes the sound of distant thunder and flashes lights like distant lightning. They don't do anything for milk or eggs, though, much less toilet paper!)

Young Ned

08-26-2010, 07:50 AM

Here's an amusing video one of my Facebook friends linked: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsJHqstPuNo

Note for those of you who are NFAH (Not From Around Here): Chick-fil-A (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chick-fil-A) is a restaurant chain found mostly in the southeast U.S. Apparently they focus on various forms of chicken...

thingirl

08-26-2010, 09:31 PM

Badstench

08-27-2010, 01:45 AM

WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything) is proud to announce the opening of its special classes for men.

The course is conducted over three days and includes wide ranging topics of a complexity that will require concentration. The itinerary is as follows:

DAY ONE

1) How To Fill Ice Cube Trays: A step by step guide with overhead presentation
2) Toilet Rolls – Do They Grow on the Holders?: Roundtable discussion
3) Differences Between Laundry Basket & Floor: Practical application to laundry hamper, with demonstration in real-time.
4) Dishes – Do They Levitate to and from Dishwasher by Themselves?: Debate
5) Losing the Remote Control: Help-line and support group introduction

DAY TWO

1) Empty Milk Cartons – Do They Belong in the Fridge or the Bin?: Group discussion and roleplay
2) Bringing Her Flowers is Not Harmful to Your Health: Powerpoint presentation
3) Real Men Are Not Afraid to Ask for Directions: Real life testimonial
4) It’s Not Impossible to Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks: Driving simulation
5) How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion: Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

DAY THREE

1) Living With Adults – The Basic Differences Between Your Mother and Your Partner: Expert panel presentation
2) Remembering Important Dates and When It’s Necessary to Call if You’re Going to be Late: One-on-one discussion. Please remember to bring your calendar
3) Getting Over It – Learning How to Live With Being Wrong All the Time: Individual counseling session

Oldschool

08-27-2010, 04:18 AM

Gotta post the vid that Badstench mentioned in the B'day thread.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVMY-VX7NyA :D

texlaw1992

08-30-2010, 05:53 AM

[This was in the paper today]

A man walks into a bar on top of a tall building. He orders a beer, drinks it and leaps out the window.

A few minutes later, the man walks back in and orders another beer, drinks it and jumps out the window again.

When the man walks in again, another guy at the bar says man, how do you do that?

Simple, says the man. The beer warms your insides, and as you know hot air rises. You just hold your breath and you float to the ground.

Wow, says the guy, I'm going to try that. He drinks a beer, jumps out the window and goes splat.

The bartender says Superman, you have a really sick sense of humor.

Ragnarok

08-31-2010, 01:37 PM

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.C

texlaw1992

08-31-2010, 10:47 PM

It reminds me of a story a few years ago about how reserved the British are. A young couple got overly amorous and in flagrante delicto on a subway train. When it was over, one of them pulled out and lit a cigarette. None of the other passengers had reacted up to now, but an elderly woman suddenly pointed to the sign above them which read "No Smoking" (lol).

Young Ned

09-02-2010, 12:14 AM

I LOVE TIM HAWKINS!!!!!!!!

I know every word to that song. I love Chick-Fil-A!!!!

Don't forget "Now I'll have to settle for Subway (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akZ-edeKDXs&feature=related)."

And he's not afraid to touch Christian Music

Origional song - Jesus Take the Wheel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcR8N_v0ymQ)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zfs3BJZxKkc&feature=related

Origional song - I can only Imagine (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9La_4svq8JI&ob=av3n)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFIGa2VwQok&feature=related

And this one's awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYaTSbCGY50&feature=related

I noticed when I first viewed the "Chick-fil-A" song that he also had a song called "I work at Subway", but I didn't listen to it at the time. That was fun.

And thanks for posting the original versions of some of his songs -- parodies are much funnier when you know what they're parodying.

[This was in the paper today]

A man walks into a bar on top of a tall building. He orders a beer, drinks it and leaps out the window.

A few minutes later, the man walks back in and orders another beer, drinks it and jumps out the window again.

When the man walks in again, another guy at the bar says man, how do you do that?

Simple, says the man. The beer warms your insides, and as you know hot air rises. You just hold your breath and you float to the ground.

Wow, says the guy, I'm going to try that. He drinks a beer, jumps out the window and goes splat.

The bartender says Superman, you have a really sick sense of humor.

Haha. :) In the version I heard years ago, he would go out the window, then come back in the same window, and he told the guy who asked that there was a powerful air vent on the ground that would push you back up to the window after you jumped out. And the bartender's punchline was "You're a mean drunk, Superman." (Which I like slightly better since it leaves the guy unnamed until the very last word, drawing out the suspense a little more.)

Badstench

09-10-2010, 07:11 AM

How to make rock music funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOXrGLKEeAk&feature=related

Young Ned

09-15-2010, 01:06 AM

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, never did -- just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

In order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, the old prospector was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.

The old man said, "Son, did you ever kiss a mule's behind?"

The bully boy swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

Oldschool

09-15-2010, 01:37 AM

Rotfl.......... :d

Dariel

09-15-2010, 01:56 AM

Heh, that was hilarious xD
Oh and Oldschool it looks like you got the 40,000th post :P
Have a rep!:D

thingirl

09-15-2010, 07:08 PM

Heh, that was hilarious xD
Oh and Oldschool it looks like you got the 40,000th post :P
Have a rep!:D

You mean 4,000th post. Watch what you type if you don't want me to pass out or have a heart attack.

Congrats Oldschool!

Dariel

09-15-2010, 07:54 PM

You mean 4,000th post. Watch what you type if you don't want me to pass out or have a heart attack.

Congrats Oldschool!

The url says that Oldschool's post is the 40,000th...I can't be wrong D:

Oldschool

09-15-2010, 11:12 PM

Ahhh thanks for the explanation Dariel. I knew you didn't mean 4,000th but the front page of the forum stated less than 40,000.

Maybe the url numbers includes deleted posts and/or posts from Sryth Adventurer's tweets which may or may not be included on the statistics. Although I just checked another window and I don't think they'd account for 1500 or so.

Talk about a coincidence this just happens to be my 4,000th post. :)

thingirl

09-17-2010, 03:26 PM

This is what happens when I am brain fried....

I thought Dariel meant "Oldschool a postcount of 40,000 posts". :rolleyes:

Badstench

09-18-2010, 02:47 PM

The octupus that predicted the outcome of every soccer world cup game was asked to play for Germany.

Bets were placed in favour of Germany winning, but the day of the game arrived and the octopus didn't take the field in the first half.

Germany was losing by seven goals, but when the octopus was subbed on after half time, it scored eight goals all on it's own to proclaim a stunning victory.

When asked why it took so long to appear in the game, the octoupus explained, "In the first half, I was doing up the laces on my boots"

:o

Oldschool

09-23-2010, 05:16 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znoSaHwbHYg

Oldschool

09-24-2010, 02:57 PM

[/URL]Folks from around my generation will probably get more outta this one,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwMj3PJDxuo)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwMj3PJDxuo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LzMAXqu8qU&feature=related

And although it's been here before the icing on the cake courtesy of Psychoadept (note his PG-13 warning),

I was reminded today of what's STILL, after many viewings, the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life: Richard Simmons on Whose Line Is It Anyway?

It's available on youtube in three parts:
[URL]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QT_io7ytZ8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmtvt1vO3U4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRyRrdMKQFU

I'd call it at least PG-13 level content.

Dariel

09-24-2010, 08:23 PM

Oldschool- I remember seeing all three of those! I'm still laughing. And Judson is freakin' awesome :P

And here's a link of my own. I'm sure many of you have seen it before :P
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDhntEvBD3M

Badstench

10-02-2010, 02:39 PM

The New Zealand Police Force has seen a drop in the calibre of recruits lately.

They usually look for candidates who are physically fit, mentally stable, and have some common sense.

When 3 blonde chicks turned up for the initial interview, it was explained to them that they should have an eye for detail... like recognizing people from mugshots.

The interviewer held up the same photo to each of the applicants. He then asked them to describe the person in the photo.

Applicant 1: He's only got one eye
Interviewer: It's a profile photo. You can only see one eye. You fail.

Applicant 2: He's only got one ear
Interviewer: It's a profile photo. You can only see one ear. You fail.

Applicant 3: He wears contact lenses
Interviewer: How the hell do know that?
Applicant 3: with one eye and one ear, how's he gonna wear glasses?

Chareos

10-04-2010, 10:13 PM

A little risque....

Two old men are sitting in a retirement home chatting.

"I'm full of aches and pains today Alf, how are you feeling?"

Alf replies, " I feel like a newborn baby Fred."

"Really?" says Fred.

"Yep, no hair, no teeth and I've just sh*t myself."

Chareos

10-04-2010, 10:19 PM

A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband, "I have a confession to make, I used to be a hooker."

The Husband says, "That's okay, your past is your past, but I must admit I'd like to hear you tell me about it."

She says, "My name was Dave and I played for the Springboks."

Chareos

10-04-2010, 10:29 PM

I got stopped by the police at midnight and they asked where I was going. I told them I was going to listen to a lecture on the effects of alcohol and tobacco abuse on the human body.

The cop said, "who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?"

I said, "The missus!"

Chareos

10-04-2010, 10:41 PM

Peter invites his Mum over for tea. She notices that his flat mate Joe is slightly camp and although she suspected that Peter was gay he denies that anything is going on and that they are only flat mates.

A week later Joe says to Peter, "Ever since your Mum came over for tea I can't find the frying pan."

Peter emails his Mum and says, " Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you DID take the frying pan and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take the frying pan, but it's been missing ever since you came to tea. Love, Peter"

His Mum replies, "Dear Peter, I'm not saying you DO sleep with Joe and I'm not saying you DON'T sleep with Joe, but if he were sleeping in his own bed he would have found the frying pan by now! Love, Mum"

Oldschool

10-04-2010, 11:26 PM

LMAO........... Good ones Chareos. :D

Dangit - repped when allowed.

Oldschool

10-05-2010, 03:09 AM

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had a really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Chareos

10-05-2010, 10:59 AM

I went to the doctors today. I said, "Do you treat alcoholics?"

He said, "Yes of course I do."

I said, "Any chance of taking me for a pint then cos I'm skint?"

texlaw1992

10-05-2010, 08:22 PM

I'm pretty sure I can guess from the context, but please define "camp" and "skint" in American English (lol).

Dariel

10-05-2010, 10:01 PM

I'm pretty sure I can guess from the context, but please define "camp" and "skint" in American English (lol).

Camp:Camp is an aesthetic sensibility wherein something is appealing because of its bad taste and ironic value.

Skint:Skint refers to the condition of having little money or few possessions.

:D

Chareos

10-05-2010, 10:22 PM

I'm pretty sure I can guess from the context, but please define "camp" and "skint" in American English (lol).

Camp (in this context) - effeminate

Skint - no money

hope this helps :D

texlaw1992

10-05-2010, 11:06 PM

Chareos

10-05-2010, 11:43 PM

I figured "skint" somehow evolved from "skinflint," although "skinflint" is someone tight with money rather than someone without money.

I remember the term "poof" from Monty Python, but I never heard "camp" used in that context. That's always a problem when those who speak British English can't speak American (lol).

Oldschool and I have had some interesting conversations on exactly the same point. I would point out that as an Englishman, from England, (can you see a pattern emerging here?) I speak English. Not British English lol. Now if only our colonial cousins across the pond could learn to speak their mother tongue properly...... :D

Young Ned

10-05-2010, 11:51 PM

Actually, "camp" is very commonly used in American English -- by gay people, anyway. "I love Liza Minelli movies, they're so camp!" Sometimes "campy" is used, too.

I'm not gay, but I grew up in San Francisco, so I have plenty of gay friends. :)

texlaw1992

10-06-2010, 05:16 AM

"Camp" from "campy" - that makes sense.

I saw this one online:

A politician met with a group of astonauts and told them that if he was elected, he'd make sure to fund a space flight to land on the sun.

The astronauts stared at him and said um, you'd burn up getting close to the sun, much less landing on it. That's just stupid.

The politician looked at them and shook his head. Obviously you don't get it, he said, we'd go at night (lol).

Young Ned

10-06-2010, 10:46 AM

The politician looked at them and shook his head. Obviously you don't get it, he said, we'd go at night (lol).

:rolleyes: :D

What's scary is that there probably is a politician that ignorant somewhere in this country. Hopefully not in a very high-level position, anyway...

Scarbrow

10-06-2010, 07:05 PM

zmflavius

10-06-2010, 07:14 PM

Hope this doesn't spiral out of control for the political (or rather, anti-political) statement, but... maybe a cup of tea would make you reconsider that statement?

Well technically, that would be a "soon, but not yet."

Because technically, they haven't been elected yet.

Doolipalally

10-06-2010, 08:17 PM

:rolleyes: :D

What's scary is that there probably is a politician that ignorant somewhere in this country. Hopefully not in a very high-level position, anyway...

Hope this doesn't spiral out of control for the political (or rather, anti-political) statement, but... maybe a cup of tea would make you reconsider that statement?

Well technically, that would be a "soon, but not yet."

Because technically, they haven't been elected yet.

I'm the first to admit I'm not a big follower of US politics, but I'm really baffled by this one. I thought the Tea Party thing was basically an anti-Obama Republican movement? Would be interested to learn more.

spencer

10-07-2010, 02:56 AM

True story

I work in an analytical chemistry laboratory and we go to a number of tradeshows and conventions to drum up new business. At these gatherings, we hand out things for free with out name and logo and some advertising on them. We try to pick unique and useful things that people will be sure to use at work. One year, we handed out mousepads with the periodic table of elements. Our marketing manager (who has very little knowledge about Chemistry) had a marvelous idea!! Instead of a "normal" periodic table, we would hand out different ones....

ones with the elements in ALPHABETICAL ORDER so that our customers would be able to find their element of interest much easier. Thankfully, someone decided to review the template before it went to the printer. We still did not proofread it enough as we still managed to use the symbol A instead of Ar for Argon. Just thought that I would share this little snippet. I still have one of these mousepads at home :)

texlaw1992

10-07-2010, 04:54 AM

I suggest you get your marketing manager a computer keyboard with the letters in alphabetical order - tell him/her it's so he/she can find the right keys easier (lol).

Young Ned

10-08-2010, 10:10 PM

This discussion has sure gotten serious -- I thought this was "The Giggle Bag"? Perhaps the Tea Party stuff belongs in its own thread.

Texlaw: Loved your suggestion about the computer keyboard in alphabetical order. Very appropriate! :D

Badstench

10-09-2010, 05:13 AM

Statistics

Ever made a call to a company, like the Power utility service?

Chances of them answering straight away? 0%
Chances of them answering after 5 minutes? 20%
Chances of them answering after 10 minutes? 50%
Chances of them answering just when you hang up? 100%

Ever wondered where your time goes? In one hour, it looks like this...

Time spent having fun - 0.5%
Time spent wondering what to do to have fun - 19.5%
Time spent checking that your 'fun time' will actually be fun - 20%
Time waiting for the computer to download confirmation of your 'fun' - 50%

Ever wondered who's looking for you through Facebook?

High School people who hated you - 10%
University people who hated you - 10%
Work colleagues who hate you - 30%
Actual friends - 10%
You - 50%

Ever wondered how useful your fingers are?

Thumb - 5% - as in, "cool man".
Index - 10% - as in, "get me that over there".
middle - 92% - as in, "get f**ked"
ring - 1% - as in, it's as good a place as any to stick a wedding ring.
pinky - 1% - as in... um.... pretending you're Dr Evil.

Ever wondered how many people use laser pens properly?

To point at specific parts of a presentation - 1%
To make their pet cat go crazy chasing a red dot - 69%
To see if it's true that shining a laser in your eye will make you go blind - 30%

Ever wondered how Nasa spends their money?

Things that worked - 2%
Things that blew up - 2%
Things that were deferred before thay blew up - 96%

Ever wondered how many things actually taste like chicken?

Alligator - 5%
Elephant -5%
Snake - 5%
KFC - 5%

Ever wondered how much a home gym gets used?

First week - 80%
Second week - 15%
Third week - 5%
fourth week - It's junk

Ever wondered how best to fix your computer problem?

Reconfigure, reimage, uninstall, click on anti-virus module - 1%
Turn power off and on again - 99%

texlaw1992

10-09-2010, 06:21 AM

Actually I think the Tea Party itself is good for a few giggles.

On another topic, there was an article in the paper today about an entire family who was arrested for dealing drugs. According to the paper, they were charged with crimes ranging from "organized political activity to endangering the welfare of a minor."

I assume the actual reference was to "organized criminal activity," but then I started thinking, maybe it's not a typo after all (lol).

Chareos

10-10-2010, 12:57 AM

Does anyone here know the song the 'The Hokey Cokey'?

texlaw1992

10-10-2010, 12:59 AM

Is it anytihng like "The Hokey Pokey?"

As one comedian said, "Wouldn't that be funny if that was REALLY all it was about? You know, you die, you're in heaven, and it's like really, all we had to do was the Hokey Pokey?" (lol)

Oldschool

10-10-2010, 04:11 AM

Does anyone here know the song the 'The Hokey Cokey'?

Is it anytihng like "The Hokey Pokey?"

Hmmmm...... apparently so.

TMI - Too Much Information Alert :rolleyes:

Hokey Cokey (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbUWw8PJf1M) Lol someone needs to tell the teacher her military left at the beginning.

Hokey Pokey (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tx1t06zeF0&feature=related) Separated by a common language - maybe not. At least in the beginning when it comes to the military left, lol.

And Badstench I hear the All Blacks are going to replace the Haka with an American football victrory dance, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEiNIT18Wsw :p;)

And I gotta throw in the Virginia Tech Hokies version. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InPQ0HsSJR0&feature=related)

Oldschool

10-11-2010, 03:48 AM

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.............

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Young Ned

10-11-2010, 08:39 AM

On another topic, there was an article in the paper today about an entire family who was arrested for dealing drugs. According to the paper, they were charged with crimes ranging from "organized political activity to endangering the welfare of a minor."

I assume the actual reference was to "organized criminal activity," but then I started thinking, maybe it's not a typo after all (lol).

If it's not a typo, at least the Democrats are safe. As Will Rogers once said, "I don't belong to any organized political party... I'm a Democrat." :rolleyes:

Oldschool

10-11-2010, 11:47 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9qYF9DZPdw

scout1idf

10-12-2010, 05:05 AM

That was awesome!!

The only disappointment was the message I got when I tried to add it to my favorites...
This feature is not available right now. Please try again later. I will have to try later.....

Chareos

10-12-2010, 06:14 AM

Hmmmmm Blocked in my country due to copyright :-(

Doolipalally

10-12-2010, 11:02 AM

That's odd - I could watch it in Russia.

Nice one, Oldschool! I liked the fleeting glimpse of Seth Green.

Oldschool

10-12-2010, 11:33 AM

Chareos and anyone else that may have hit a block try this (btw they're all the same as the earlier link just from different sites),

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/176083/935455

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1l4j0_white-nerdy-weird-al-yankovic_fun

http://www.break.com/music/weird-al-yankovic-videos/white-and-nerdy

thingirl

10-12-2010, 02:25 PM

Oh. My. Gosh. I LOVE WEIRD AL!!!!!!!! That's the story of my life! (OK, Maybe I'm not that extream, but...)

Also, for all you Star Wars fans.......... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEcjgJSqSRU&ob=av2e

(Also, since Youtube hates everyone...

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/sy-23636014/weird_al_yankovic_the_saga_begins_official_music_v ideo/

http://video.yahoo.com/watch/1796310/5937410)

Hmmmmm Blocked in my country due to copyright :-(
I hate that! OK, (If you're in the US) it's understandable when the band is from Australia (even if the Lead Singer isn't...), but if the band is from the US........ Uggh! Youtube hates me.

Young Ned

10-12-2010, 10:50 PM

Also, for all you Star Wars fans.......... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEcjgJSqSRU&ob=av2e

Haha, I love that song, but I haven't seen the video in way too long. Thanks, TG. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v735/Old_Ned/icon_cool.gif

Oldschool

10-13-2010, 04:45 AM

A few more songs.....

Give it a bit for the parody to start - may be "lost" on some of the younger members.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfx8Nc6VKnI

Palindromes...? Palindromes you say.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nej4xJe4Tdg

Somewhat suggestive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ35SOU9HTM

texlaw1992

10-13-2010, 07:29 AM

I have to agree with you on that one TG - I know way too many of his lyrics and even have a video collection of his greatest hits around here somewhere. I still remember when "Eat It" (his first song - parody of "Beat It") ran on MTV and everyone was talking about how "some white guy" was doing it.

Weird Al had a cameo on the second "Naked Gun" movie. He did his own movie about a tv or radio station ("UHF" I think) which bombed big time and I guess ended his movie career.

He came up with his own version of a romantic ballad called "One More Minute." Sample lyric: "I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches, stick an icepick under a toenail or two, clean all the toilets in Grand Central Station with my tongue, then spend one more minute with you" (lol).

thingirl

10-13-2010, 07:05 PM

What is it about parody artists that makes everybody love them?

Lightwielder

10-13-2010, 08:34 PM

What is it about parody artists that makes everybody love them?

It's because some of them happen to be rather clever. How about Tim Hawkins?

I also love Weird Al. He's pretty good.

("I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades...than spend one more minute with you."):)

thingirl

10-13-2010, 09:36 PM

Oh, Tim? I forgot about Tim.........

Spellcheck, to me, is like a fire ant (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSAGPC7hGp0). And it might just be because I'm underage, but.... I Don't Drink Beer (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4a6I1bJtBg&feature=related).

You want fast food? I'd say Chick-Fil-A, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsJHqstPuNo) but I Work at Subway (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akZ-edeKDXs&feature=related). Just don't go for the Prarrie Home Sausage (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVEfZSKTdn8&feature=related) (Hey, I live in Shelby County :)).

And, let's not forget......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zfs3BJZxKkc

(My personal favorite. :) For the other homeschooler on here....) A Homeschool Family (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VM6uqj0_jQc)!

Don't forget that Parents are People (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqUUAhThEFY&feature=related)!

Oh, and if anyone's wondering, here's a sample of something I learned 2 weeks ago (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNcMgGGOwzE)....

I could go on like this for hours....

Lugwy

10-14-2010, 04:53 AM

Texlaw's "man walks into a bar" story reminded me of a really terrible joke my brother told us:

What's the difference between a man falling from the second floor and a man falling from the twelfth floor?

Second floor: *thud* "AAAAAAAAAH!"

Twelfth floor: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--" *thud*

Young Ned

10-15-2010, 06:12 PM

Great videos, Oldschool and TG! :D

Chareos

10-20-2010, 10:04 PM

A man's wife hits him across the head.
He says, 'What was that for?'
She says, 'I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Sexy Sally' written on it!'
Quick as a flash he says, 'That's the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly cow.'
She apologises profusely and cooks him his favourite meal.

A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan.
He says, 'What the hell was that for?'
She replies, 'Your xxxxing horse just phoned!'

Chareos

10-20-2010, 10:09 PM

A man says to his wife, 'When I die I'm leaving everything to you.'
His wife replies, 'You already do, you lazy bugger!'

Young Ned

10-22-2010, 12:20 AM

"They say you can never go back, but I think you can as long as you get a different waiter." -- Red Green

"I don't know, I never smoked Astro-Turf." -- Baseball player Tug McGraw, when asked in 1974 whether he preferred natural grass or artificial turf.

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." -- Winston Churchill

"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys." -- Woody Allen

"American women expect to find in their husbands the perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers." -- W. Somerset Maugham

"A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you." -- Adlai Stevenson

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." -- Dave Barry

"I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation." -- George Bernard Shaw

"The way Bernard Shaw believes in himself is very refreshing in these atheistic days when so many people believe in no God at all." -- Israel Zangwill

"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." -- W. Somerset Maugham

"Quotation, n.: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another." -- Ambrose Bierce

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." -- Dorothy Parker

Badstench

10-24-2010, 11:56 PM

FIRST INDIAN ASTRONAUT
RETURNS SAFELY TO EARTH

http://srythforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=138&stc=1&d=1287964497

Oldschool

10-25-2010, 01:57 AM

LOL Badstench........

Looks an awfully lot like Wiki Staff's response to the community's opinion of their new skin.
http://blog.blacknight.com/images/headinthesand.jpg
:cool::D

Scarbrow

10-25-2010, 08:07 AM

LOL! I took the liberty of moving the last two posts here. Seemed more appropriate! :p

Oldschool

10-25-2010, 12:31 PM

Figured you might get a chuckle outta that one. Unfortunately it seems a bit sad but true. From what I've seen they pretty much ignore even constructive criticism - not even acknowledging most of it.

Lugwy

10-26-2010, 02:01 AM

Yet another bar joke. Don't worry, bars; we still love you. :D

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, and Mary Kathleen left the convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sightseeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town, and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All five nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw...

http://i580.photobucket.com/albums/ss244/GoldenAshtray/Miscellaneous%20Crap/5NunsInA.jpg

zmflavius

10-27-2010, 01:00 AM

HUMAN: (speaking to elf) Ha ha! You look like a girl!
ELF: To a human, everything must look like a girl.
HUMAN: What?
ELF: Half-elves, half-orcs, half-ogres ...
DWARF: Half-fiends, half-dragons ...
HUMAN: Shut up!
ELF: ....
DWARF: ....
HUMAN: ....
ELF: Centaurs.

Elrond

10-27-2010, 02:08 AM

Oldschool

11-01-2010, 03:46 PM

Earlier I posted about a horse race which resulted in me viewing some other horse videos when I stumbled upon this one.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pdPzU8GDEU&feature=related

kanex7

11-15-2010, 03:08 AM

Earlier I posted about a horse race which resulted in me viewing some other horse videos when I stumbled upon this one.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pdPzU8GDEU&feature=related

Wow. That video has 13,803,802 views.
And because of oldschool, I'm one of those views... I'm so ashamed.

Oldschool

11-15-2010, 02:39 PM

LOL I still chuckle at that one. Poor Matt - never thought about 13+ mil views. I was expecting one of our female members reply of "typical male". :rolleyes:;)

thingirl

11-15-2010, 03:31 PM

I was expecting one of our female members reply of "typical male". :rolleyes:;)

Sometimes it's just not worth it to say..... But yes, that's what I'm thinking. :)

Badstench

12-01-2010, 01:16 AM

A BELATED THANKSGIVING GIGGLE

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The Parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John got fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put it in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior in the future."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude, but before he could ask what had caused such a dramatic turn-around, the bird questioned very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

mahansolo

12-02-2010, 01:09 AM

Good one, BS.

Speaking of dead birds.....

An old woman took a very limp parrot into a vet's office. As she placed her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, but Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, your parrot is definitely 100% certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the old lady.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$500!," she cried, "$500 just to tell me that my bird is dead!?" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the Cat scan..."

Oldschool

12-02-2010, 01:22 AM

LMAO!!!!!! Didn't see that coming. Love it - repped.

Young Ned

12-03-2010, 04:12 AM

Hee-hee! Good ones, BS and mahansolo. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v735/Old_Ned/icon_cool.gif

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, your parrot is definitely 100% certifiably ... dead."

Okay, who else thought of Monty Python's "Dead Parrot" sketch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O0BA6mkk7k) when they saw that?

mahansolo

12-04-2010, 07:06 PM

Classic!

For those of you unfamiliar with the sketch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vuW6tQ0218

"Naw...it's just pining for the fjords!"

spencer

12-05-2010, 04:44 AM

My favorite Monty Python skit:

The Argument Clinic (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teMlv3ripSM)

scout1idf

12-05-2010, 08:21 AM

I think this is about the funniest..... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anwy2MPT5RE)

Probably because I like...

SPAM

texlaw1992

12-05-2010, 09:14 AM

I like the one about the insurance adjuster, because it so resembles how many insurers treat their policyholders:

"My car was struck by a lorrie while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim?"

"Well squire, it says right here in your policy, no claim made by you shall be paid!"

Also, since my father's an insurance salesman, let me add a line from Woody Allen's "Love and Death:"

"I'm not afraid of death. There are many things worse than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about."

zmflavius

12-07-2010, 03:04 AM

Spoilered for space

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

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First Name: Initial:
Last Name:

Password: (max 8. char)
Code name:
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[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): //

4. Serial Number:

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift/aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
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6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
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[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style/appearance
[_] Speed/maneuverability
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8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

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[_] Iraq
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[_] Iraq
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9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

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10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply)

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12. Your occupation:

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Scarbrow

12-07-2010, 05:04 AM

One of Oldschool's videos took me to another one, and then to another...

And then... oh God, I can't resist kitteh vids (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qit3ALTelOo&feature=fvw). 41 million visits as of now!

thingirl

12-07-2010, 11:04 PM

Can't breathe... Laughing too hard... Wow, that's insane! Even more so because it describes Bella so well!

Young Ned

12-08-2010, 12:57 AM

For those of you unfamiliar with the sketch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vuW6tQ0218

"Naw...it's just pining for the fjords!"

Guess you didn't notice that my post had a link to the sketch, too?

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft....

Classic! I first saw that one some time in the early '90s IIRC, and I see there haven't been all that many changes since then. The list of aircraft has almost certainly been updated, though, but I don't have any recollection of what was on it originally. The only difference I can recall is that in question 10, instead of just having "Crazed" as an answer, it had "Crazed (Islamic)" and "Crazed (other)". I used to have a copy of that form somewhere, but I can't find it at the moment.

And then... oh God, I can't resist kitteh vids (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qit3ALTelOo&feature=fvw). 41 million visits as of now!

Can't breathe... Laughing too hard... Wow, that's insane! Even more so because it describes Bella so well!

Very cute, Scarbrow! TG, our kitten Honor is a lot like that too. It's not unusual for kittens to go through a stage like that; one good solution is to get a second cat for them to play with (if there isn't one already), so they can do all the biting and clawing with the other cat, who doesn't mind it nearly as much as humans do. Another good thing is to trim their claws frequently, so they're not long and sharp -- makes things a lot less painful when the kitten pounces your foot, hand, elbow, etc. :)

Edit: Obligatory Humor (to keep this post on-topic):

PICK ME UP

This story is about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting to be time that the boy gave some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem overly concerned about it. One day, while he was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment, so he went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

“Now then,” the old preacher said to himself, “I’ll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school, I’ll observe him. If he picks up the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman and that would be good, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a drunkard--a no-good drunkard--and Lord, what a shame that would be.”

Soon he heard his son’s footsteps as he came in the house whistling and pounding up the stairs to his room. He tossed his books on the bed, as always, but as he turned around to leave, he spotted the objects on the table and with a curious twinkle in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. Then, he picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, and finally, he uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

“Lord have mercy,” the old man whispered, “He’s gonna be a politician!”

-- Phil Proctor

Oldschool

12-08-2010, 01:34 AM

Holiday themed....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VuN4P7897k&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJOe3CXE-mA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eidz4JD7F80&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vrd9p47MPHg

texlaw1992

12-10-2010, 09:26 PM

[To the tune of Pink's "Raise Your Glass"]

Right, right, almost midnight,
You're gonna do MPs tonight,
What's the timer now?

You love when the MPs come,
Telling the baddies "come get some,"
It's all on right now.

Pumpkin smasher, demon basher,
Have to be a dragon thrasher.
Goodbye wolfman, there's no last stand,
Now take on Ulgror.

So raise your sword if you have fought
In all the MPs,
20 rounds or more
Even with no BOGs.
Off to the blue door
For all your XPs
And maybe some BMs
If you get lucky.

Slam, slam, cut whack bam,
What part of battle don't you understand?
Wish you'd just die now.
Can't stop going to war,
Have to get you to death's door,
Where's the KB "pow"?

Rapid healer, TD dealer,
Just don't be a KB stealer.
No BOGs in the last round please.
You know who you are.

So raise your sword if you have fought
In all the MPS,
20 rounds or more
Even with no BOGs.
Off to the blue door
For all your bms
Then just wait a bit
And do it once again.

Oldschool

12-10-2010, 10:09 PM

Nice Tex - duly repped. And I almost forgot.....http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-rpg001.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)

mahansolo

12-10-2010, 11:17 PM

Tex: mild-mannered legal councilor by day, Sryth's feared warrior/minstrel by night!

Young Ned

12-11-2010, 04:07 AM

Got an email recently from abebooks.com (a network of used book sellers) inviting me to check out the "Weird Books Room" on their website and suggesting that I "give a weird book to someone special this holiday season. Marvel at their wonder and puzzlement as they open 101 More Uses for a Dead Cat, Why Do I Vomit?, or Cheese Rolling in Gloucestershire."

I did go visit it, and it looks amusing. Besides the books mentioned above, it also includes such classics as A Popular History of British Seaweeds, Make Your Own Sex Toys, Hellbent for Cooking: The Heavy Metal Cookbook, and The Go-Go Dancer Who Stole My Viagra. And many more!

Check it out yourself at http://www.abebooks.com/books/weird/index.shtml.

(And while you're there, check out the rest of the site, too. They're a great source for inexpensive used books, especially ones you just can't find anywhere else. No, they don't pay me anything; just a satisfied customer. :D)

Lightwielder

12-11-2010, 08:50 AM

Off to the blue door
For all your bms
Then just wait a bit
And do it once again

I'm sorry, but does this last part strike anyone else as a bit...odd, perhaps?

Anyway, in an attempt to get my head out of that proverbial gutter...
http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-rpg001.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php) Seconded.

Oldschool

12-12-2010, 12:07 AM

Good point LW. One would think if we're talking about BM's we wouldn't be going behind the blue door but to the LoO. ;)

Badstench

12-13-2010, 01:40 AM

A Maori resident of a mostly Maori neighborhood was spoken to by police after he erected a mannequin on his front yard and dressed it in a Ku-Klux-Klan outfit.

When queried for an explanation, he replied that he wanted to experience a white Christmas! :eek:

Oldschool

12-13-2010, 01:57 AM

What's the difference between the Christmas and regular alphabets?

The Christmas alphabet has Noel (no "L").

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

He had low elf esteem.

Why does Santa go down chimneys?

Because it soots him.

:rolleyes:;)

texlaw1992

12-13-2010, 04:39 AM

The world's greatest criminal:

1. Trespassing;

2. Breaking and Entering;

3. Repeatedly Crossing International Borders without a Valid Passport;

4. Trademark Infringement;

5. Violations of Overtime and Child Labor Laws.

Doolipalally

12-13-2010, 09:33 AM

Oldschool reminded me of something.

I was out a few weeks ago in a busy bar on a Saturday night. Trying to squeeze my way through the crowds to get back to my friends, I bumped into a large bloke dressed up in a white shirt, green knee-length trousers and a red pointy hat.

He said "Watch yourself there, now, be careful. I'm really into elf and safety."

thingirl

12-14-2010, 10:33 PM

http://brodyharper.com/2010/12/14/british-animals-are-funny/

Oh, wow. Just, wow. This is too funny!

Oldschool

12-20-2010, 02:01 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2pyNnvKk7U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCuoLd0K4lY

Lightwielder

12-23-2010, 10:27 PM

You guys HAVE to check this out.

http://news.motorbiker.org/blogs.nsf/dx/caught-on-radar-sliding-on-his-motorcycle.htm

texlaw1992

12-27-2010, 05:45 AM

I was just watching an episode of Family Guy and I'm still laughing over this line.

Peter is at the mall and is attacked by a bunch of fish after some woman throws fish food at him. He's in the car and says:

"It was terrible! Fish were in my ears and up my nose, and as I was running out, I think one of them said something anti-semitic!"

thingirl

01-03-2011, 07:25 PM

http://news.yahoo.com/comics/foxtrot#id=/comics/uclickcomics/20101219/cx_ft_uc/ft20101219

Oh, the things I find when I'm bored...... :)

Oldschool

01-03-2011, 09:35 PM

Lol..... Why are they all wearing red shirts? :)

Young Ned

01-04-2011, 03:58 AM

We get Foxtrot in our Sunday paper, so I saw that one recently and enjoyed it quite a bit. Nice find, TG. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v735/Old_Ned/icon_cool.gif

Oldschool

01-04-2011, 04:01 AM

Definition of a hangover - Wrath of Grapes.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he/she can tell when he's/she's really in trouble.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He or she won't expect it back.

And a holiday themed one although it's a bit racy and chauvinistic...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. ;)

:D:D:D:D:D

Badstench

01-06-2011, 07:48 PM

It's all about interpretation.

My star sign (Sagittarius) says this about me on Friday January 7:

Today, you're game for anything and everything. Make time to explore, experiment and sparkle. Be spontaneous

So... I'm gonna rob a jewellery store!

Oldschool

01-06-2011, 11:17 PM

Today, you're game for anything and everything. Make time to explore, experiment and sparkle. Be spontaneous

There's your excuse incentive - grind them bells. :D

texlaw1992

01-07-2011, 12:21 AM

Badstench, I must warn you: even in New Zealand, "I was just following my horoscope" is not a defense to criminal activity.

Oldschool

01-09-2011, 07:59 PM

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no
ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions,
undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he
looked up the man’s arse was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed off.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

:D :D

mahansolo

01-12-2011, 05:18 AM

What happened to the towering snowman who couldn't find a golden box?

He went home with blue bells

Chareos

01-13-2011, 08:12 AM

It's Paddy's wedding night and his lovely new bride asks him to give her ten minutes before joining her for bed.

Ten minutes later, Paddy goes to their room and finds his new wife, in revealing lingerie, arms and legs spread in the middle of the bed.

'You know what I want, don't you Paddy?' she says.

Paddy replies, 'Yes, all the bloody bed by the look of it!'

Oldschool

01-17-2011, 10:12 PM

*** Warning: Some profanity ***

You may be a redneck and in need of Texlaw's services if........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNPxIibhcKY&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95qZtwJNjxk&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fds_hupE2vQ&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30InBgGhiSo&feature=channel

Vid descriptions say they're legit. I'm skeptical especially since the uploader is a comedian. Legit or not - funny stuff, lol.

Oldschool

01-22-2011, 01:54 AM

Just a little bit too friendly perhaps....?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5X-wpDMkpZc

Chareos

01-24-2011, 12:29 AM

What a load of rubbish it is about women and multi tasking. I just told the wife to sit down and shut up. Can she do it? Can she heck!

Chareos

01-24-2011, 12:37 AM

A policeman on his horse says to a little girl on her bike, "That's a nice bike you've got there. Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes" says the little girl.
"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year" and he fined her £5.
The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that?"
The policeman chuckles and says, "Yes he did."
"Well," says the little girl, "next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse not on top of it!"

Oldschool

01-24-2011, 01:15 AM

LMAO!!!!!!! Well gotta give the firemen equal time.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Oldschool

01-26-2011, 03:46 AM

Well I don't wanna start a flame war so I'll genericize these.

Why are the (insert opposing/rival team) like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

What's the difference between the (insert rival/opponent) and a dollar bill?

You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

What's the difference between the (insert rival) and Cheerios?

Cheerios belongs in a bowl.

;)

Badstench

01-27-2011, 08:50 AM

Last jokes from Oldschool reminded me of New Zealand Rugby in the 80's.

The No. 8 for the All Blacks was Buck Shelford. He was a huge bloke who hit poor form and was replaced by Zin Zan Brooke.

Zin Zan went on to captain the team and earn himself many accolades, but when he was new to the position, he got lots of grief from fans of Buck Shelford.

There was even a rowdy group of fans who would chant at games, "Bring back Buck!"

I was sitting in a bar with my brother and some friends, and blurted that the selectors might have made a mistake with Fifty Cent.

My brother asked, "Who's Fifty Cent?"

"Zin Zan Brooke."

"Why do you call him Fifty Cent?"

"Because he's only worth half a Buck." :D

scout1idf

01-29-2011, 05:40 PM

Here's some classic comedy.... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iNLlYOgFZ4)

Young Ned

01-30-2011, 10:44 AM

Ha! Nice one, Scout.

The The Impotence of Proofreading (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OonDPGwAyfQ)

Also known as "This Guy Only JUST Figured Out that Spelling Checkers Have Their Limits? Where's He Been For the Last Fifteen Years?"

MasterKage

01-30-2011, 04:09 PM

1 A plane crashes over the U.S. and Canada's border.It lands right between the borderline of Canada and the U.S.. Where do they bury the surviors

2 You are piloting a plane. There are 576 female passengars and 635 male passangers. There are 2 cases full of luggage per passenger and 10 pieces of luggage inside each case.What is the pilots name

Doolipalally

01-30-2011, 04:33 PM

1. You don't bury survivors.

2. You're piloting the plane, so the pilot's name is your name.

scout1idf

01-30-2011, 04:35 PM

1) A plane crashes over the U.S. and Canada's border.It lands right between the borderline of Canada and the U.S.. Where do they bury the surviorsYou don't, unless you are sadistic;)

2) You are piloting a plane. There are 576 female passengars and 635 male passangers. There are 2 cases full of luggage per passenger and 10 pieces of luggage inside each case.What is the pilots name? You

EDIT: That was quick Dooli....

Doolipalally

01-30-2011, 04:42 PM

And I should have spoilered the answers - I'll go back and edit.

I prefer your answer for no. 1! :)

Oldschool

01-30-2011, 05:30 PM

A woman from Chicago married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died, and she never divorced. How was this possible?

A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

What English word retains the same pronunciation, even after you take away four of its five letters?

Spoil your answers please.

Edit: Also merged the thread with the Giggle Bag.

Doolipalally

01-30-2011, 05:48 PM

A woman from Chicago married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died, and she never divorced. How was this possible?

She was the official who conducted the marriages.

Still working on the others!

zmflavius

01-30-2011, 05:51 PM

A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

What English word retains the same pronunciation, even after you take away four of its five letters?

Spoil your answers please.

Edit: Also merged the thread with the Giggle Bag.

Lions, as lions that haven't eaten for three years would be dead

Not sure about the last one.

Doolipalally

01-30-2011, 05:59 PM

What English word retains the same pronunciation, even after you take away four of its five letters?

Ah, got it!

Queue

thingirl

01-31-2011, 04:17 AM

Also known as "This Guy Only JUST Figured Out that Spelling Checkers Have Their Limits? Where's He Been For the Last Fifteen Years?"

Hey.... I wasn't writing anything on the computer when I was a baby :p:);). (stupid spellcheck.....)

(Seriously, I've done sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many of those....... Now I can stoop laughing ;))

Young Ned

02-03-2011, 05:06 AM

Also known as "This Guy Only JUST Figured Out that Spelling Checkers Have Their Limits? Where's He Been For the Last Fifteen Years?"
Hey.... I wasn't writing anything on the computer when I was a baby :p:);). (stupid spellcheck.....)

(Seriously, I've done sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many of those....... Now I can stoop laughing ;))

Even so, YOU figured out that spill chuckers ;) have limitations quite a while ago, right? So what's HIS excuse? He's older than you are.

thingirl

02-03-2011, 05:14 AM

God point. Maybe his bran was hut by now. :) (OK, that's mostly left out letters. But if you've got a crappy/dieing keyboard...)

texlaw1992

02-13-2011, 04:21 AM

I just saw "Vicodin" travel to Bentlimb Wood and can't help but wonder if Dr. House has joined the game.

It seems to be that "Oxycontin" cannot be far behind.

I'm sure those players find Sryth ... addictive.

Lugwy

02-16-2011, 09:12 AM

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Oldschool

02-16-2011, 02:29 PM

LOL Lugwy.

Welcome back and nice new avatar.

Lugwy

02-16-2011, 06:59 PM

I need to stop going on hiatuses.

Maybe I should subscribe or something... <_<

Young Ned

02-22-2011, 07:13 AM

Welcome back, Lugwy! Cute story. :D

Oldschool

02-28-2011, 02:52 PM

http://facepwn.com/posters/Dice%20collection.jpg

http://facepwn.com/posters/Bar_Room_Brawl.jpg

http://facepwn.com/posters/Ruins.jpg

http://facepwn.com/posters/Bluff.jpg

http://facepwn.com/posters/Escapism.jpg

http://facepwn.com/posters/FearlessPenguin.jpg

http://facepwn.com/posters/Half_shares.jpg

http://facepwn.com/posters/Marathon_gaming.jpg

http://facepwn.com/posters/AngrryGM.jpg

http://facepwn.com/posters/Bagodice.jpg

demojan777

03-01-2011, 04:06 AM

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Oldschool

03-01-2011, 02:59 PM

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Afvbnv1FfAY/SwxuMp1b7lI/AAAAAAAAAF0/dzcKbvDqtio/s1600/funny-pictures-kittens-coffee-cups.jpg

http://www.koffeekorner.com/dinosaur.gif

http://blog.amfbluffer.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/unshelved.GIF

http://www.ibiblio.org/Dave/Dr-Fun/df200511/df20051101.jpg

http://images0.cpcache.com/product/weird+humor-t-shirt-sweatshirt/336826290_225x225_Front.jpg

http://www.funnytimes.com/archives/files/art/20050608.jpg

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSpgpG173-X_bga7dVLFpC6GHbD7iHNfEobqOrtfKCwK63F5O4zUA

LANGUAGE/CONTENT WARNING FOR THE FOLLOWING SPOILERED SECTION http://www.interbutt.org/plog-content/images/sfwmaybe/general-coolfunny/f9b50c0aeccee103f02de7d7ce883149.jpg

http://www.tiggysribticklers.com/images/mencoffee.jpg

http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS_Lbs9EURALUcBa28N5XqLmgw6hduUg 0DfGQoL1SFeOP_hEz6pLQ

http://www.crocktees.com/_images/humor/mindboner.png

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0806/caffeine-coffee-funny-cute-squirrel-demotivational-poster-1212773184.jpg

psychoadept

03-04-2011, 11:44 PM

This generally seems to be considered an urban legend, but it's still pretty funny:

"Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!" "

Doolipalally

03-05-2011, 07:42 AM

demojan777

03-05-2011, 09:51 AM

Snopes page on that one. (http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.asp)

What I find faintly depressing is that I've seen that story with various different nationalities inserted as the 'smart' and 'dumb' guys (including a direct reversal of the above). Seems everyone likes chuckling at the stupid foreigners. Sigh.

Even if not true, still funny. People are stupid, no matter where they are from (present company excluded :p).

If anyone hasn't yet figured out that I'm not completely serious 100% of the time, let me just put that on the record right now. If I offend, it is by no means personal nor intended, and a lot of stuff I do has to be "taken with a grain of salt".

The true bits of that urban legend are pretty interesting (i.e., the chicken gun exists and is used for the reason listed in the urban legend).

Oldschool

03-05-2011, 01:32 PM

Understood......

http://moneyandblogging.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/grain-of-salt.jpg :cool:;)

thingirl

03-05-2011, 05:05 PM

True or not, Mythbusters did an episode on that. It's from 2004 and I can't find a video. But, they did figure out that frozen chickens cause more damage than thawed.

Oldschool

03-05-2011, 11:45 PM

Mythbusters episode,

http://www.56.com/u97/v_MjE0OTgzMTA.html :)

Oldschool

03-06-2011, 12:25 AM

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_OqkhWrayy_M/S9P9c1gwiqI/AAAAAAAAAP0/l44SV9J9AOY/s400/funny-dog-pictures-nerds-species.jpg

http://158.91.55.1/~pp972024/pics%20of%20awesome/Revenge%20of%20the%20Nerds.jpg

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2316/2511440204_d1d0c2be19.jpg

demojan777

03-06-2011, 02:22 AM

I guess babies have an 18 Charisma. That's a future Paladin right there. :eek:

Badstench

03-07-2011, 08:31 PM

Speaking of chickens...

According to a WikiLeaked cable, in 2005 the Thai government offered Lockheed Martin bulk chickens in exchange for a few fighter jets. The cash-strapped nation offered 80,000 tons of frozen chicken for the F16's.

Unbelievably, Lockheed Martin was up for doing the deal, but a coup stopped the transaction.

Oldschool

03-12-2011, 01:41 PM

LoTR and Malcom in the Middle parody from Mad TV,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTbR-Kzhe1I

Badstench

03-13-2011, 09:44 AM

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Chinese, a Vietnamese, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Swiss, a Zimbabwian, and a South African.... all went to a nightclub.

They were stopped by the doorman.

"Sorry," he said. "You can't come in without a Thai."

zmflavius

03-14-2011, 01:25 AM

3 guys are at heaven's gate being reviewed on their lives when how they died was asked by a guy who was already in line ahead of them.

1st guy: I was really paranoid that my wife was cheating on me so I decide to come home early one day and suspecting that there was a man in the room with her, searched for the lover all over the room. Unsuccessful, I saw a shadow on the window and in a fit of rage, picked up the trunk at the foot of the bed and tossed it out at the shadow, had a heart attack and died.

2nd guy: I was really happy because I just got a job washing windows when suddenly, a dresser came flying out from inside, hit me, causing me to lose balance and fall to my death.

3rd guy: Well, for me, I was jogging when I stopped to catch my breath. When I looked up and saw a trunk and a guy falling towards me...

Guy ahead of them: Man that's tough, but at least you all know how you guys died. I don't even know what happened to me. All I know is that I was hiding in a trunk from some crazy guy and next thing I knew, I was here...

Oldschool

03-28-2011, 12:53 AM

Two guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"

No offense Tex but this was too good not to pass along and just kidding, lol.......

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

Oldschool

03-30-2011, 01:11 PM

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_mmBw3uzPnJI/S_qzHS9HnSI/AAAAAAABR2M/BuIzfvUbSJQ/s400/best_demotivational_posters_43.jpg

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_mmBw3uzPnJI/S_qy82BMqNI/AAAAAAABR1k/ZCMM_IQED_g/s400/best_demotivational_posters_48.jpg

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_mmBw3uzPnJI/S_qylHDJLiI/AAAAAAABR0E/fT_WqKYzek0/s400/best_demotivational_posters_60.jpg

Suggestive alert....

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_mmBw3uzPnJI/S6EZtthfwTI/AAAAAAABGVU/AZlJZgp_Ycg/s400/demotivational_posters_08.jpg

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_mmBw3uzPnJI/S2sbHRoHsYI/AAAAAAABBNU/85QAgcW42Do/s400/funny_demotivational_posters_29.jpg

Badstench

04-06-2011, 05:56 AM

Warning: Possible material of an offensive nature...

A man enters the doctor's private room with his wife. They are waved to be seated.

"What's your problem?" asks the doctor.

The man answers, "I h-have a p-p-problem. I h-have this st-st-stutter. It's c-causing m-my wife em-b-barrassment."

The doctor looks perplexed. "Well, this isn't really within my field of expertise. I'm an MD, not a speech therapist. Perhaps I can refer you to someone?"

The wife pipes up, "We've been to speech therapists. They haven't helped. We've also been to a psychiatrist, and he told us to come see you."

The doctor wondered why and told the man to go behind the screen and remove his clothes in readiness for an examination. The minute the doctor saw the naked man, he gasped in understanding.

"Oh my! That's the biggest penis I've ever seen in all my years of conducting physical examinations. I believe I know what your problem is."

"Wh-what?" asks the man

"Well, your genitalia is so big that the weight of it is pulling on your abdominal muscles. This, in turn, is elongating your diaphragm, which is distorting your oesophagus and elongating your larynx to the point where it is constricted."

"C-can that b-b-b-be remedied?"

"Yes. But it will involve surgery, a procedure known as 'limb replacement'. A penis transplant will fix your stutter. We'll replace yours with a smaller one from a suitable donor."

The man and wife confer for a few minutes. Finally, both agree to the surgery.

The procedure is lauded as the world's first penis transplant, and the doctor receives acclaim in medical circles after success is proclaimed. The patient receives his new penis, which seems to work adequately after a period of rehabilitation.

However, two months after the successful operation, the doctor is alarmed when the man and his wife come to see him again.

The wife explains, "You did well doctor. The new penis works satisfactorily and his stutter is gone. We now attend social occassions without fear of embarrassment."

The doctor raised an eyebrow in query, a gesture that asked for the reason of their current visit.

The wife blushed. "The thing is, I didn't realise how much I enjoyed my husband's appendage the way it was. I miss the satisfaction it used to give me. We were wondering if it was possible to reverse the operation and restore his original manhood?"

And the doctor said...

"S-s-s-sorry. Th-that's im-impossible n-now."

Oldschool

04-06-2011, 01:51 PM

Inspired by the latest level of Rhaknar's Mad......

What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.

What dd the zero say to the the eight?

Nice belt.

Statistics shows that most people aren't "normal".

Because, according to statistics, a "normal" person has one breast and one testicle.

Elrond

04-07-2011, 06:11 AM

Couple (or more points) on Badstench's jokes:

- Badstench, I hope this doesn't come across awkwardly; and your forum contributions are great. But the two jokes above are not.
- One of the nice things about our forum is that it is "clean!" And I hope it stays that way. There are too many sites for penis, blondes, sex, adult, jokes.
- My recollection is that there are children and minors in Sryth (geared for ppl 13+), would the jokes be appropriate to them?
- That may sound "old school" (not Oldschool); but I felt the need to express my opinion on the two jokes above and the use of that joke genre in this forum.
- If I were a Mod, I would use my totalitarian powers ;) and delete the posts. But I'm not.

Doolipalally

04-07-2011, 06:56 AM

I think I agree.

When you create a Sryth account you tick a box which says "I'm at least 13 years of age or I have parent/legal guardian permission to sign up and play".

Given that this forum exists because of the game, we should probably try and keep it minor-friendly.

I'm a bit hesitant, because, like Elrond, I'm aware of the risks of some sort of totalitarian censorship approach. I'm also aware that I might be being influenced by the fact I've never really been into those sort of jokes. But generally speaking, if we could keep things a bit less 'adult' round here I think it would be a good thing.

Scarbrow

04-07-2011, 08:55 AM

I'm going to jump in Badstench defense. Well, in defense of his jokes anyway, since he barely needs any himself, as he's a well-known member.

Also, while in my administrator position I could delete them, and thus I'm somehow voting "keep" by not doing it, I'd like to state clearly that I write this post just as a regular forum user and not as an admin.

I'm not going to pass judgement on the first joke. You can like it or not (though I did). However, the second one is more complex. Under the guise of a dirty joke there's a joke on art and art critics which I particularly liked. Could that be done using another subject? Certainly. Would it achieve the same result? Hardly. It's masterfully intertwined.

Now, about the appropriateness of these subjects in our forum, I must admit I personally think we're sometimes a little bit too uptight with that. I come from a culture where the equivalent to your "f-bomb" is used frequently as part of informal conversation, and even "strong" swearwords are commonly accepted in literary practice. Although on very formal ambients this is frowned upon, curses are frequently heard and read, even on medium serious TV programs and newspapers. Where do you trace the line? He's preceded his posts with warnings so people of greater sensibility can avoid them. I'll admit I'm not a expert in age categorization, so I looked at PEGI (http://www.pegi.info/en/), an European comprehensive labeling system used on a variety of cultural products, and specially on videogames. Directly from his site, the 12+ label allows for

Videogames that show violence of a slightly more graphic nature towards fantasy character and/or non graphic violence towards human-looking characters or recognisable animals, as well as videogames that show nudity of a slightly more graphic nature would fall in this age category. Any bad language in this category must be mild and fall short of sexual expletives. Go to the source (http://www.pegi.info/en/index/id/33/)

Now, unless you're going to argue that using the word "penis" is graphic and/or a sexual expletive, I don't see what the problem is. Readers who are too young and thus could be offended by this content really shouldn't be able to get the meaning, which is almost completely a matter of innuendo.

Now, I'll go as far as enclosing the jokes into Spoilertags, if only in recognition to the fact that two reasonable persons have expressed their concerns. More than that would require (and this part is my full administrative view on this) a wider consensus. Do you really consider this offensive, or are you just concerned somebody could find them so?

EDIT: Sorry for being so serious on the Giggle Bag (if this develops, I'll move discussion to another thread). But since you agree to be 13+ to play Sryth, I think the PG-13 would also be a good guide. From the MPAA site:

PG-13 — Parents Strongly Cautioned. Some Material May Be Inappropriate For Children Under 13. A PG-13 rating is a sterner warning by the Rating Board to parents to determine whether their children under age 13 should view the motion picture, as some material might not be suited for them. A PG-13 motion picture may go beyond the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or other elements, but does not reach the restricted R category. The theme of the motion picture by itself will not result in a rating greater than PG-13, although depictions of activities related to a mature theme may result in a restricted rating for the motion picture. Any drug use will initially require at least a PG-13 rating. More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context. The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.Go to the source (http://www.mpaa.org/ratings/what-each-rating-means)

I, for one, even if you convinced me that the innuendo is enough to warrant the "sexual context" label, would strongly support the "inconspicuous" clause.

EDIT2: The Wikipedia article (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motion_Picture_Association_of_America_film_rating_ system) seems to be more complete than the brief excerpt from the MPAA site itsef. And there is a more broad article (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motion_picture_rating_system#Spain) about the picture rating in other countries. Movies are the main thing to compare against, I think, since there is little if any rating system for literature (that I know of)

Doolipalally

04-07-2011, 09:36 AM

Fair enough, Scarbrow - thank you for looking into it in such detail, and I like the spoiler compromise.

Now, about the appropriateness of these subjects in our forum, I must admit I personally think we're sometimes a little bit too uptight with that. I come from a culture where the equivalent to your "f-bomb" is used frequently as part of informal conversation, and even "strong" swearwords are commonly accepted in literary practice. Although on very formal ambients this is frowned upon, curses are frequently heard and read, even on medium serious TV programs and newspapers.

My own personal view is that a lot of cultures are currently a bit too uptight about swearwords and sexual content, but that's to do with the way I was brought up and the environment I live in. But whereas I express myself as comes naturally when I'm around friends and family, I feel I have to moderate my language in a context where I don't know who's reading what I write and where their levels of offence might be (although I'll freely confess that sometimes I find this constricting). Am I too worried about offending people? Maybe. It's often a weakness of mine.

Do you really consider this offensive, or are you just concerned somebody could find them so?

I didn't find either joke offensive. They're not my kind of thing - to be honest, I'd kind of skipped over them before Elrond posted - but I'm not offended or shocked by either joke. I was only considering the question from the perspective of the extent to which this should be a 'family-friendly' forum. Personally I'm in favour of exposing kids to things rather than trying to protect them, but on a public forum we have to work with some sort of majority concept of what's suitable - so I think your idea of referencing the PG code is a good one.

Scarbrow

04-07-2011, 11:06 AM

I didn't find either joke offensive. They're not my kind of thing - to be honest, I'd kind of skipped over them before Elrond posted - but I'm not offended or shocked by either joke. I was only considering the question from the perspective of the extent to which this should be a 'family-friendly' forum. Personally I'm in favour of exposing kids to things rather than trying to protect them, but on a public forum we have to work with some sort of majority concept of what's suitable - so I think your idea of referencing the PG code is a good one.

Thank you for answering, Dooli. I also try to exert a strong control over myself while here (my patent lack of skill with English swearwords also has something to do with it :p)

I explicitely asked because I like very much the idea that what it's offensive should be defined by the opinions of the average member of a community, instead of the most sensitive one. I often thing we bound ourselves too tight by thinking others are more sensitive than they really are (the opposite is also true, of course). I was exposed to the idea while investigating the US take on Obscenity (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obscenity) (which, in turn, arrived after reading a commentary on Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lolita))

demojan777

04-07-2011, 04:22 PM

Personally, if I ever lose enough brain cells that I actually breed, I hope to retain enough of them to relocate to a society where nudity and vulgarity are acceptable and violence is not, which seems to be the opposite of the American pathos and is actually a rather unique facet of my native society.

In my experience, most of my fellow Americans are surprised by the fact that the rest of the world is horrified by the thought of a child seeing the image of someone shot by a bullet, but those in other culture's don't think twice about the thought of a child seeing a grown person nude.

I think that this would be a good time for me to start a new thread, and I will post the link to it when I make it, as I would like to continue the conversation outside of The Giggle Bag, that way we can leave it as a light and fluffy place and then takes our judgments and condemnations somewhere else.

EDIT: I have created a thread so that we can continue the discussion if anyone would like to: The Manners Committee (http://www.srythforum.com/showthread.php?p=53056#post53056).

Scarbrow

04-07-2011, 04:37 PM

Ok, it was time to stop anyway. If anybody else wants to express his/her opinions and/or discuss this issue further, please continue in the new thread (http://www.srythforum.com/showthread.php?t=1560).

EDIT: Ninja'd. BTW demojan777, I've removed the "censorship" part of your title. We're not discussing censorship (at least, not yet). Just what is or is not appropriate to post. Manners, that is.

Badstench

04-08-2011, 05:15 AM

First... I apologise unreservedly for any offense given by my ill-considered presentation of the 'adult' jokes. I should have engaged brain and consideration before posting them.

I must confess, I wanted to delete the second joke as being unnecessary for it's sexual innuendo. I sometimes forget that we have younger members who don't deserve to be confronted by such crudity.

For myself, I have no issue with jokes of an anatomical nature unless they use blatantly foul language.

As for the first joke, I am more woriied about the fact that I poked fun at a disability/ condition... namely, stuttering.

But now that concerns have been voiced, I have decided to delete joke #2.

Again, I apologise and will endeavour to remember that being a moderator and long-time contributor does not give me carte blanch to post anything I personally deem inoffensive. I was, at the very least, insensitive to the wider membership of this forum.

Young Ned

04-14-2011, 12:26 AM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an a--hole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a s---head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

-- Phil Proctor, planetproctor.com

Badstench

04-17-2011, 08:21 AM

that had me laughing out loud.

I was watching bloopers from LOTR, and came across this one...

Gandalf was pushed to the ground and exclaimed, "Orcs! and so far from Orcland!"

Meaning, Auckland.

Oldschool

05-24-2011, 11:41 PM

Alert: Somewhat off color/suggestive.

http://www.marcofolio.net/images/stories/fun/imagedump/demotivational_posters/houdini.jpg

The rest are safe....

http://www.perpetualocean.com/tetherdcow/cowimage/perspective.jpg

Maybe a groan alert needed issued for that one. ;)

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/140/329722477_ea820ffc30.jpg

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0805/redneck-ewoks-ewoks-demotivational-poster-1209932713.jpg

http://unrepentantoldhippie.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/create-your-own-motivational-posters_1250390440891.png?w=360&h=436

Oldschool

06-10-2011, 12:01 AM

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

Young Ned

06-23-2011, 03:45 AM

Haha, I love the Dune quote in the Willpower one. The Redneck Ewoks photo was pretty good, too. And you gotta love a joke that includes the phrase "weapons of math destruction". :)

Young Ned

06-24-2011, 05:41 AM

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "What was that all about?"

"Nothin' much,” said the Irishman, "Me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

-- Phil Proctor, planetproctor.com (http://www.planetproctor.com)

(He probably thinks they're cheaper that way because he's getting used ones! :D)

Oldschool

07-09-2011, 05:25 AM

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

Badstench

07-13-2011, 09:15 AM

A man bought an old brass lamp from a garage sale, and in the process of cleaning it, he let loose the genie of the lamp.

"I am the genie of the lamp," said the apparition. "And you have freed me, so I can grant you one wish."

The man smiled.

The genie had seen that smile so many times, he held up his hand and said, "But you aren't allowed to wish for more wishes."

The smile on the man faltered.

"Damn!" he said. But then his smile returned, and he looked slyly at the genie.

Saide he, "I wish for more genies."

Oldschool

07-15-2011, 03:04 AM

Spoilered for space,

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lpL870wV2A4/SdIVUSBJmxI/AAAAAAAAD24/kRFoBjk-OO4/s1600/OldSchool2.jpg

http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/1104/a-mind-is-a-terrible-thing-to-waste-old-school-education-demotivational-posters-1303777243.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Chaotic_Neutral.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Chivalry.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Craft_Construct.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Party_balance.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Forgotten_Realms.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Happy.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Priorities.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Spelljammer.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Monster_NPC.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Rules_Lawyers.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Random_Encounters01.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/GMAdjudication.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/New_Guy.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Logic.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Combat_Feint.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/tardis.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/hooks.jpg

http://stevencreech.com/images/posters/Imagination.jpg

Oldschool

07-21-2011, 02:59 AM

Continued from "You might be a Sryth gamer if......"

http://phoenix5.org/humor/images/prostate%20exam.jpg

http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/2008-07-19.gif

http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/2005-07-07.gif

Oldschool

07-21-2011, 10:40 PM

Reasons The 80's Were A Cooler Time To Grow Up Than The 90's

10) MTV actually played videos in the 80's.

9) There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (white with a red swish), and they didn't cost $125.

8) A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

7) In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.

6) In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.

5) In the 80s we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at school -- unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.

4) Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. NSync. New Edition vs. Hanson. OK, that one's a draw.

3) In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could BUY ALCOHOL LEGALLY.

2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

1) In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.

Just stumbled across the above and more from the following, http://www.funnyhumor.com/