The Giggle Bag

[spencer]

It went from 19 to 21 August 1, 1984. I know this because I missed being grandfathered by a month and half.

[Oldschool]

I can recall stories of my older brother and some friends going to Ohio to get 6.0 beer as back then ours was maxed out at 3.0 - 3.5.

Personally, I can remember when Coors became available here as I was in high school. While it wasn't a legal issue it was thought to be, no doubt in part because of movies like Smokey and the Bandit. I know there wasn't a market 'round here at least and I'm guessing it was because they had no brewery on the east coast then and their "handling" procedures would've been difficult to maintain from the western U.S. back in the 80's.

Still when it arrived here it was a big deal for a time as most of us thought is was stronger.

And while I haven't drank in quite some time 6.0 beer was the top limit till fairly recently.

And now I'll wait for the inevitable 'real beer' teasing from the non U.S. members.

And while it's origins came from across the pond my retort courtesy of Shakin' Stevens, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2tGXeanyw4

And while most folks are probably more familiar with George Jones' version most probably don't know the Big Bopper wrote it and first recorded it. Soon after Jones' version came out the tragic plane crash that killed J.P Richardson (the Big Bopper), Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly and others. This crash and it's aftermath is speculated to be the basis for the line "the day the music died" and other lyrics in Don McLean's "American Pie". Much of the rest of the song is speculated to be about events in the 60's.

A bit long on the trivia, so since this is the Giggle Bag......

Advance apologies and no offense intended to the female members......

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned. ;)

[Oldschool]

The talk about "For Pony" and stables inspired this necro.

Might be considered a bit adult or juvenile depending.....

Earlier I posted about a horse race which resulted in me viewing some other horse videos when I stumbled upon this one.........


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pdPzU8GDEU&feature=related

[Young Ned]

Back in my day... (http://www.snorgtees.com/back-in-my-day-we-had-nine-planets)

[Young Ned]

What it's like to play online games as a grownup (http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Ftheoatmeal.com%2Fcomics%2Fonl ine_gaming&h=1AQCMFBboAQAVeeat8XnDj-gdFbXbYfeZOE4bviwV-0y4oQ)

[Scarbrow]

What it's like to play online games as a grownup (http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Ftheoatmeal.com%2Fcomics%2Fonl ine_gaming&h=1AQCMFBboAQAVeeat8XnDj-gdFbXbYfeZOE4bviwV-0y4oQ)

For non-facebookers, here's a direct link (http://theoatmeal.com/comics/online_gaming). Deliciously hilarious. And so true :D That's why I can't be among the best on any online game. Too many freaky (and forbidden on seven states and by two war conventions) thinks to do :cool::cool:

[Chareos]

Speaking of Facebook someone wrote this on my wall!

GBAN

I think it's bang out of order!

[Chareos]

WARNING SLIGHTLY CRUDE JOKE

A boy in class shouts out, "I need a piss Miss!"

The teacher says, "The correct word is urinate. If you give me a sentence with the word urinate in it you can go to the toilet."

The boy responds, "Alright Miss. Urinate but if you had bigger tits you'd definitely be a ten!"

[Doolipalally]

Speaking of Facebook someone wrote this on my wall!

GBAN

I think it's bang out of order!

I am totally ashamed of how long it took me to get that :o

[Chareos]

I am totally ashamed of how long it took me to get that :o

Lol

[Young Ned]

For non-facebookers, here's a direct link (http://theoatmeal.com/comics/online_gaming). Deliciously hilarious. And so true :D That's why I can't be among the best on any online game. Too many freaky (and forbidden on seven states and by two war conventions) thinks to do :cool::cool:

Whoops, sorry, I didn't even notice it wasn't a direct link. Thanks for fixing it, Scarbrow!

[Badstench]

I came across the following in my daily newspaper...

Quotes from Scotsmen (and women):

1) I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Nick Helm
2) Crime in multi-storey carparks is wrong on so many levels. Tim Vine
3) Drive-Thru Macdonalds was more expensive that I thought... after I'd hired the car. Hannibal Burgess
4) I was in a band called "The Prevention". We hoped people would say we were better than The Cure. Alan Sharp
5) My friend died doing what he loved... heroin. DeAnn Smith

[Doolipalally]

Those are from this year's top ten jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe - full list here (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532) if anyone's interested.

Did your paper really say they were all by Scottish people? Weird!

[Deandra]

Began reading and laughing and couldn't stop. Took me almost four hours. Lots of favourites old and new to me. Gotta love Weird Al doing Star Wars and the white nerd rap Star Trek time warp and lots of giggles. Thanks for wasting my day :D in a lovely way.


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to
me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf -
always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone
only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep
the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

(Dolly Parton and Queen Elisabeth arriving at St Peter's at the same time is dicey so google that one )

If Grocery store wars (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVrIyEu6h_E) have escaped you?

[Badstench]

The first page of The Giggle Bag appeared on my screen. I noted the first entry was by yours truly and listed words from the annual Washington Post Mensa Invitational.

"It's time for an update," I thought. Below are some of my favourites from entries submitted so far in 2011...

Carcoleptic - a person who falls asleep immediately upon the start of a car ride

[Ohminous - the feeling of foreboding one experiences just before one is hit by a bolt of lightning.

Solidude - the man who really likes to be alone.

Percushion - the thing the drummer sits on.

Zitgeist - the spirit of adolescence

Madjective - colourful words used in anger, usually during an argument.

Volumptuous - a woman who possesses curves in all the wrong places.

Skullbuggery - what you do when you screw with someones mind

Kenvious - wishing you were Barbie's boyfriend.

Indisgusting - when a dinner guest, in an effort to be polite, is compelled to consume food he/she loathes.

[Oldschool]

It's not in English and I'm sure it's better if understood/translated, but if you watch it till the end no translation is needed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axyZtzqOmKo

[Deandra]

I get some good laughs from xkcd (http://xkcd.com/) I love this tribute to Gary G
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ultimate_game.png

[Oldschool]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mnhC3LzK9g

[Chareos]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mnhC3LzK9g

I am flabbergasted! Literally all I can say is WTH?!?!?!?!?

[Deandra]

http://www.thedoghousediaries.com/comics/uncategorized/2010-01-13-24e0c1c.png
From the doghousediaries (http://www.thedoghousediaries.com/)

[Chareos]

lmao so true :)

[Oldschool]

http://files.think.io/img/rpg-motivators/pointbuy.jpg

[Young Ned]

I only discovered this webcomic recently although it's been around for years, and it's very funny. It may be somewhat funnier for cat owners, but I think pretty much anybody will like it. I highly recommend starting at the beginning and reading through it.

This link takes you to the first strip: Two Lumps: Eben & Snooch (beginning) (http://www.twolumps.net/d/20040316.html)

And I particularly liked the very subtle Monty Python reference in this strip: Two Lumps - 2009-05-29 (http://twolumps.net/d/20090529.html)

[Young Ned]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well, your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I couldn’t help grinning. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ .... I just lost it.”

[Oldschool]

Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when
one of the boys accidentally swallowed a coin.

Hans ran inside yelling "Mom! Dad! There's a franc in Stein!"



Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

It had no guts...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0thH3qnHTbI

[Young Ned]

This one's fun: The old dog and the panther (http://www.retirement-lounge.com/old-dog.html) :D

[kanex7]

I couldn't find anywhere else to put this and didn't feel like starting a new thread for Sryth related humor.

I decided that I'd finally take my last character, through A Haunting in Durnsig.
I was suddenly curious to know how low my MR had to be to get the vines to be harder than 3+. So I resorted to unarmed combat.
I didn't know that the max damage you can do at Lv 1 is 10.
I was doing 3 or 5 damage on a 3+ enemy!
Roy eventually got annoyed and threw a fit.

You tremble with Uncontrollable Rage as you assail your foe...
You haphazardly slap at your foe
@ Enemy loses 10
You tremble with Uncontrollable Rage as you assail your foe...
You haphazardly slap at your foe
@ Enemy loses 10
You tremble with Uncontrollable Rage as you assail your foe...
You haphazardly slap at your foe
@ Enemy loses 10
Until...
You haphazardly slap at your foe
@ Enemy loses 5
You've SLAIN your foe!

Took about five rounds for him to vent his frustration.:D
(By the way, the fight lasted a total of 30 rounds.)

[Young Ned]

I decided that I'd finally take my last character, through A Haunting in Durnsig.
I was suddenly curious to know how low my MR had to be to get the vines to be harder than 3+. So I resorted to unarmed combat.
I didn't know that the max damage you can do at Lv 1 is 10.
I was doing 3 or 5 damage on a 3+ enemy!
Roy eventually got annoyed and threw a fit.

Took about five rounds for him to vent his frustration.:D
(By the way, the fight lasted a total of 30 rounds.)

Heh, thirty rounds of haphazard slapping? Sounds like quite a sissy-fight! :D

So how low was your MR in that battle?

[Young Ned]

Just some fun links I've seen on Facebook lately:

Cats... Of War! (http://www.slate.com/slideshows/news_and_politics/cats-of-war.html)

Is he really from the future, or just a nutball? You decide! (http://crave.cnet.co.uk/gadgets/man-arrested-at-large-hadron-collider-claims-hes-from-the-future-49305387/)

War tubas? War tubas! (http://www.retronaut.co/2011/11/war-tubas/)

[Oldschool]

Patience and wisdom.....

http://www.clevelandseniors.com/images/misc/skunk-dogfood.jpg

[Oldschool]

I know I posted it but just looked at the above at thought "Ever had one of them days? YES!" LOL!.

Anyhoo....

A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life.

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart but he's not very bright.

A woman is like a teabag - only in hot water do you realize how strong she is.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no point in two people remembering the same thing...

For sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. (Got married last weekend, wife knows everything).

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards, and in high heels.

[Badstench]

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

I love this! I'm gonna steal it and add it to my computer dating profile, 'cos I believe it's one of those guaranteed-to-make-you-laugh things that will have women automatically reach for the 'initial contact' button.

I never answer them, of course. I simply use the first-contact messages to feed my ego and make me feel better about myself.

Actually, I'm just gonna put it on my Facebook wall, 'cos I know a few people who will get a giggle out of it.

[ksuhart]

DOG DIARY


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!


9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!


9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!


10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!


12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!


1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!


3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!


5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!


7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!


8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!


11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!




CAT DIARY


Day 983 of my captivity.


My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.


They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are


fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for


the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order


to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream


of escape.


In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their


feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it


clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made


condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was


placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I


could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my


confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this


means, and how to use it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my


tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this


again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.


I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and


snitches.


The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return.


He is obviously retarded.

[Oldschool]

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Christmas is weird. It's the only time of year when we love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of our socks.

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

A bull frog went into the bank and asked the teller for a loan, but all he had for collateral was a ceramic elephant. Unsure of what to do, the teller asked his boss Mr. Paddywag. Mr. Padywag didn't know what to do either so he asked his boss Mr. Pooler. Mr. Pooler heard the situation and immediately knew what to do. He said: It's a nick-nack Paddywag, give the frog a loan.

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. Truth be told, even his chaps, pants, and boots were paper, including the spurs. Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...

[Oldschool]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

A ship was carrying a cargo of yo-yos, bound for San Francisco from Hong Kong. It was hit by a typhoon and sank twenty-three times.

Hickory, dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.

[Oldschool]

http://juanitajean.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/bbuck.jpg


My faith in internet stories has been restored.

Finally, some honesty in big buck hunting stories. Above is a picture of the new world record whitetail buck.

It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker's sister's uncle's best friend's son-in-law's niece's hairdresser's neighbor's ex-boyfriend's oldest nephew. Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot on a really windy day, 85 degrees downhill, around a curve at 900 yards with a .22 cal. rifle.

Supposedly, this deer has destroyed, two Land Rovers, a UPS truck, 139 mailboxes, 218 buck deer decorations and shamelessly violated 311 doe deer decorations in the last two weeks alone. They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. It has also been seen drinking discharge water from a nuclear power plant.

All this has been checked and confirmed.

[Oldschool]

Has some colorful language.

Roy Mercer's Christmas Trees,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnhx6RcHa6w

[Oldschool]

http://seemslegit.com/_images/a4cbd84c1450973e6f62ea9bd4717c1d/1807%20-%20axe%20santa%20sword%20weapons.jpg

http://old.enworld.org/Inzeladun/inzeladun/legends/santa.htm

[Young Ned]

I was looking through some of my old bookmarks and deleting the ones that aren't valid any more, and I came across an oldie-but-goodie:

AD&D Meets Windows 95 (http://www.fortunecity.com/rivendell/castle/689/j2.htm)

Although, really, it has nothing to do with AD&D. I would have called it "LotR Meets Windows 95". :cool:

[Oldschool]

LOL and repped as it's now in my bookmarks. :D

[Young Ned]

Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed... with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Kadri]

Oh, goody... a new use for my "Giant Folder of Funny Images"... XD

Spoiler tags for image sizes. :)

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/166947_2406318953529_1117818476_32857095_114860614 8_n.jpg

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/184092_1931434291491_1411288303_31767740_7024309_n .jpg

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/265877_189786881078966_100001429675744_506579_5996 058_o.jpg

[Kadri]

Man... it's going to be hard to top the "Random Encounter Table"... XD

Again, spoiler tags for image sizes. :)

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/296101_280042948693176_100000624191906_950615_2043 009635_n.jpg

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/298580_151308768298085_150918848337077_246919_4477 39155_n.jpg

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/299590_10150351785044890_829869889_7835140_3783928 05_n.jpg

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/303113_10150817361530615_855375614_20723415_127654 6477_n.jpg

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/311056_188801867863464_2044154669_n.jpg

[Lightwielder]

Well, it may be difficult to compete with Kadri, image-wise, but I can try this.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IncendiaryExponent

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DivideByZero

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LogicBomb

[Oldschool]

Feeling lazy so I hit a random page and found this gem that's definitely worth reposting......

I was reminded today of what's STILL, after many viewings, the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life: Richard Simmons on Whose Line Is It Anyway?

It's available on youtube in three parts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QT_io7ytZ8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmtvt1vO3U4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRyRrdMKQFU

I'd call it at least PG-13 level content.

And as with my first reply I'm in the midst of watching this and my sides are already hurting, LOL!!!!! :D

[thingirl]

"The problem with internet quotes is that they're not always accurate." ~~~ Abraham Lincoln.

^^^ LOL!!!! I heard that like a month ago, and it still makes me giggle.

[spencer]

Dang. I thought Zachary Taylor said that. Good to see you again, TG.

[Young Ned]

"The problem with internet quotes is that they're not always accurate." ~~~ Abraham Lincoln.

^^^ LOL!!!! I heard that like a month ago, and it still makes me giggle.

Haha, love it! Such a perfect example... :D

[psychoadept]

Imperial Alpacas:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gZ0x8AVaBI

[Young Ned]

When you're from the country you look at things a little differently...

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No,sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[thingirl]

I saw this on FB and just had to share.... LOL!!!

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/427151_2866599457577_1037499971_32372041_180976036 2_n.jpg

[Oldschool]

Cleaning out my bookmarks and came across this one which I don't think I linked here.

A suggestive humor/language alert is warranted for some of them.

http://www.happyplace.com/4286/brilliantly-sarcastic-responses-to-completely-well-meaning-signs/page/1

[Kadri]

So it's been a while since I've posted anything new in here...

Spoiled for space. :cool:

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/306394_301643719850521_276288065719420_1432664_116 9349312_n.jpg

Unless... Yes, you can do this:

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/31353_1343486341913_1073861966_30819892_5374902_n. jpg

You know you've been dissed when...

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/297965_305382699476623_276288065719420_1450257_196 126851_n.jpg

Why you should not let your child watch zombie movies:

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/296428_165316286893485_149456878479426_329759_1828 148847_n.jpg

Zombie Cat is WATCHING YOU.

http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t93/Kadri-chan/WTF/298011_161109473981350_153989258026705_283936_7883 1653_n.jpg
...yeah... I've been grinding in Axepath today. Can you tell? :rolleyes:

[thingirl]

Another FB repost:

R2D2 is the most vulgar character ever. They beeped out everything he ever said.

[Young Ned]

A Facebook friend of mine posted this, and it was too good not to share.


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"NO, I did NOT, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.

[Oldschool]

Q: Can February March?
A: No, but April May.

Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
A: Because they just finished a long 31 day March.

The Lenscrafter technician got his tie caught in the machine and he made a spectacle of himself.

I've got some Carefree gum, but it hasn't kicked in yet. I'm worried.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.

[Oldschool]

I recall someone posting this or something similar before (may even have been on the old forum).

Are you a nerd?

Take the quiz, http://www.nerdtests.com/ft_nq.php

Or this one, http://www.nerdtests.com/ft_nt2.php

[Young Ned]

Are you a nerd?

Take the quiz, http://www.nerdtests.com/ft_nq.php

Or this one, http://www.nerdtests.com/ft_nt2.php

From the first test:

http://www.nerdtests.com/images/ft/nq/416f775098.gif (http://www.nerdtests.com/ft_nq.php)

From the second one:

http://www.nerdtests.com/images/badge/nt2/1a9d19c739744677.png
(http://www.nerdtests.com/ft_nt2.php)

[spencer]

And mine:


I scored 80 on the first, but am at work and could not get it to display here. Maybe I am not as big a nerd as I thought.

[Scarbrow]

Just made it today. My results:

http://www.nerdtests.com/images/badge/nt2/2ce221055a6f7a9d.png

[Young Ned]

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex-British Prime Minister had chosen an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship,” said Churchill. “First, their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second, their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first.”

-- Phil Proctor, www.planetproctor.com, in February 2012.

[Doolipalally]

(Old, but new to me.)

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak, an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, an Uzbek, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner, a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian,
a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Ghanaian and a Kenyan walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

[Young Ned]

Heh, new to me, too. Sounds like a lunch break from the United Nations! :)

Although somehow I don't think you can walk into any restaurant with 100+ people and expect to be served, unless you reserved the entire restaurant ahead of time...

[spencer]

Please, please PUNish us some more. Hilarious.

[Oldschool]

You asked.........

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Spencer I seem to recall you working in a lab, so.....

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

And to round 'em out at five.....

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

;) Gathered from the first three results when Googling "funny puns".

[spencer]

You asked.........





Spencer I seem to recall you working in a lab, so.....





And to round 'em out at five.....



;) Gathered from the first three results when Googling "funny puns".

Most excellent, thank you!!

[spencer]

Can you use mitosis in a sentence?

If you steps on my feets, then mitosis will hurt.

[Young Ned]

Can you use mitosis in a sentence?

If you steps on my feets, then mitosis will hurt.

That reminds me of an old rhyme:

Moses supposes
His toeses are roses
But Moses supposes
Erroneously.

[Oldschool]

That reminds me of an old rhyme:
Moses supposes
His toeses are roses
But Moses supposes
Erroneously.

Enj:Dy.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=tciT9bmCMq8#t=54s

[Young Ned]

Enj:Dy.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=tciT9bmCMq8#t=54s

I wondered where that came from! I always thought it sounded like there should be more to it, but all I knew was the bit I quoted. Thanks for clearing up that little mystery! :D

[Kadri]

Okay, I found this while randomly surfing funny and awesome things on the 'net... and it must be shared. XD

Spoiled for space.

So here's what you can do if you have a pack of water-loving dogs and a good underwater camera:

http://www.epiclol.com/cdn/pictures/2012/04/a-pack-of-diverse-wa_1334388370_epiclolcom.jpg

[Tetracapillactomist]

Yep - those are some cool shots, certainly.

(And yes... some are really funny. XD)

[Badstench]

This is funny... The Boy With Tape On His Face

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50JbiZEWq1Y&feature=fvsr

And this is so not politically correct, but it's hilarious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=33ziA0_06go&feature=fvwp