The Giggle Bag

[Badstench]

This is the place to post anything of a humourous nature. It might be a joke or something you observed in real life. Whatever it is, rest assured that everyone likes a good giggle now and then

[Badstench]

The Washington Post's Mensa invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are a few of the 2009 winners:

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Intaxication: Euphoria experienced at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer, man.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3am and cannot be cast out.

[thingirl]

Alright, I know this is dumb and most of you have probably herd this before, but.

The last survivor of the Titanic died recently. Do you know what the family wants you to bring to the memorial? Iceberg Lettuce

[zmflavius]

Once upon a time, a man died and stood before God. Upon reaching there, he noticed that a wall in heaven was covered in clocks. He first asked God, "What are those Clocks?"
God replied,"Those are lie-clocks. Every time you lie, the clock hands move.
"So where's Bush's clock?"
"It's over there. It moved quite a lot in the past eight years."
"Then where's George Washington's clock?"
"It's over there, the hands have only moved twice."
"Then, where's mine?"
"It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

[thingirl]

Bush's clock might have moved a lot, but what about both Clintons (Bill especially)

[zmflavius]

Bill probably, but other than that, I still think that he had a good presidency.

[thingirl]

I just looked over at a box sitting on the floor. On the side it says "au-dessus". I thought, Aw great, now even the BOX is cumming up with ways to say "Oh *****". Then I relied that I'm paranoid and that it's most likely in a language other than English. (you can laugh at me, it's OK.)

[Lugwy]

P-P-P-Powerbook! (http://www.zug.com/pranks/powerbook/)

[Oldschool]

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The vet told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative", he said "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10".

The hillbilly said, "My belt don't go through all the loops, but I don't see how puttin' a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me...".

''Trust me", said the vet.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count....

1... 2... 3... 4... 5...

At which point, he paused then placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. :cool::D

[scout1idf]

Ouch!!!!!

I'd Rep you, but it won't let me.....

[zmflavius]

Damn, shouldn't the vet have warned him how painful that would be?

[zmflavius]

courtesy of snopes.com

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misinterpreted the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB, OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

[Lightwielder]

I got one.

I was watching America's Funniest Videos, and the winner was called "Sign from God."

The camera starts zoomed in on a sign on the side of the road, labeled: "Adult Video."
Soon after, the camera zooms out, showing a church next to the Adult Video Theater, with a billboard in front of it, with a picture of Jesus and big words saying: "Jesus is watching you."

It was only because of the driver's keen eye that he actually spotted this...coincidence?

[Mattman20]

WARNING: Everything from here on out is pretty inappropriate in some way or another, whether it be profanity- or theme-related.

Got some pretty funny (in my opinion, at least) articles from one of my new favorite sites, Cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com)

5 real life soldiers who make Rambo look like a..wimp (http://www.cracked.com/article_17019_5-real-life-soldiers-who-make-rambo-look-like-pussy.html)

5 spies with bigger..cojones than James Band (http://www.cracked.com/article_17540_5-spies-with-bigger-balls-than-james-bond.html)

5 scientific reasons a zombie apocalypse could actually happen (http://www.cracked.com/article_15643_5-scientific-reasons-zombie-apocalypse-could-actually-happen.html)

7 historical figures who were absurdly hard to kill (http://www.cracked.com/article_16822_7-historical-figures-who-were-absurdly-hard-kill.html)

7 people who cheated death (then kicked it in the..cojones) (http://www.cracked.com/article_16822_7-historical-figures-who-were-absurdly-hard-kill.html)

11 most BA last words ever uttered (http://www.cracked.com/article_16354_11-most-badass-last-words-ever-uttered.html)

the 5 scientific experiments most likely to end the world (http://www.cracked.com/article_16583_5-scientific-experiments-most-likely-end-world.html)

..and then there's my signature which includes some videos making fun of the Shamwow guy.

[Lugwy]

I feel horrible for linking this, as we shouldn't laugh at others' misfortunes, but...

*snrk* (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MT10C2kOwNg)

[Badstench]

This story might actually be true, or have it's roots in truth.

There's a certain village in Southern Ireland where the inhabitants are known for two things: their strict adherence to Catholicism and their love of a wee drink or three (or more).

One day, this village received a new priest, and this priest was well aware of the drunkenness and debauchery rife in the parish. He was determined to castigate the villagers in his opening sermon on the first Sunday of his tenure.

The sermon lambasted the villagers with the punishments they could expect if they continued to let the devil into their minds through the consumption of alcohol. The new priest was very impressive, thundering Hell and Damnation, threatening eternal torment, invoking the wrath of God, etc

Toward the climax of the sermon, the priest was in full vocal outcry...

"If I but could, I'd take all the Guiness in this village and I'd pour it into the river... the better to save your souls!

And if I but could, I'd take all the wine in this village and I'd pour it into the river... the better to ease your path to Heaven!

And if I but could, I'd take all the whiskey in this village and I'd pour it into the river, The better for you in the sight of God!"

At the last sentence, the priest slammed his fist on the pulpit and stared meaningfully at his congregation, willing them to heed his words or face the consequences, then he signalled to the choir master and sat down.

The choir master stood before the congregation and asked them to open their hymn books to page 26. With only a slight smile, he asked the villagers present in the church that day to join the choir in a rousing rendition of Hymn #365...

"Shall We Gather At The River?"

[thingirl]

I herd that story too, although it was a town somewhere down south in the US during prohibition. Funny all the same.

So I was talking with some friends. One of the girls was getting annoying, so I called her a девочка (DE-vitch-ka). That means "girl" in Russian (you're welcome Dooli), but I didn't tell her, so she thought I was cussing. I still haven't told her what it means, and that was over two weeks ago.

[psychoadept]

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y52/psychoadept/th_john-wayne001.jpg (http://s3.photobucket.com/albums/y52/psychoadept/?action=view&current=john-wayne001.jpg)

This is an intersection near my house. It was actually my dad, while he was visiting a few years back, who first pointed out the sign.

[thingirl]

At the cornner or Jhon and Wayne streets. :laughingreallyhard:

[Maskull]

Two lazy bums are laying under a tree looking up at the sky.
One says, "I bet you ten dollars I'm lazier than you are."
"Fine!" The other answers. "Turn me over and put it in my pocket."

----------------------------------------------------------------

Knowing that one day I will die, I asked Mr. Yarrow if there was
Sryth in Heaven. He said he had good news and bad news.

Curious, I asked, "What's the good news?"

"There IS Sryth in Heaven!" He says.

Relieved, I then asked, "So what's the bad news?"

"You're playing this Friday." He said.

[Badstench]

The little one from Maskull about laziness reminded me of a "BC" cartoon.

Says one caveman: "What are you doing?"
The other replies: "Nothing"
The first says: "But you did that yesterday".
The second replies: "I wasn't finished".

[Maskull]

Jesus and Satan, in a race to modernize their respective domains, agree to a contest on who can write the best dissertation on a computer. They type away frantically for a couple of millenia. Unfortunately, in the midst of their word processing, the power goes out, and God, acting as arbiter, declares Jesus the winner. Satan complains and challenges God's decision.

"I lost all my work." Satan states vehemently. "How is it that He didn't?"

"Simply put," God replies, "Jesus saves."

[Maskull]

A young man arrives at the gates of Heaven and Saint Peter informs him, "Before I can let you in, you have to tell me of a good deed you did in life."

Without hesitation, the guy says, "I was walking in this park and saw these hoodlums harrassing this young girl. So I stepped between them and said they had to go through me before I would let them harm her in any way."

"Great!" Saint Peter says, "When did this happen?"

"About five minutes ago."

[Lightwielder]

A young man arrives at the gates of Heaven and Saint Peter informs him, "Before I can let you in, you have to tell me of a good deed you did in life."

Without hesitation, the guy says, "I was walking in this park and saw these hoodlums harrassing this young girl. So I stepped between them and said they had to go through me before I would let them harm her in any way."

"Great!" Saint Peter says, "When did this happen?"

"About five minutes ago."

I like that one, but I can't rep' you, because you were the last one I gave it to; that was for the post above it.

[Maskull]

When I was very young, my father once told me, "Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes."
"Why is that?" I asked.
"That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes." He replied with a straight face.

[Lugwy]

An orangutan in a zoo read two books: The Bible, and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Currently, he's trying to figure out if he's his brother's keeper - or his keeper's brother.

[zmflavius]

An orangutan in a zoo read two books: The Bible, and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Currently, he's trying to figure out if he's his brother's keeper - or his keeper's brother.

probably not keeper's brother...if orangutans share 98% of our genes, and we lock them up, then we're not being very brotherly.

[Badstench]

HELL EXPLAINED!

The following is an actual question given in a University of Washington chemistry mid-term paper.

************************************************** *******

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proof of their beliefs using various interpretations of Boyle’s Law, which states that gas cools as it expands and heats when compressed.

However, the answer offered by one student was so profound that the professor felt obligated to share it with colleagues.

Answer:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. By this, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell as opposed to the rate at which they are leaving.

I think we can safely assume that, once a soul moves into Hell, it will never leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving!

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today: Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one religion and people do not usually belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls will eventually go to Hell!

With this in mind, and considering current birth and death rates, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now… we look at the rate of change of the volume of space in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that, in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as more souls are added to the population.

This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls are entering, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose!

2) If Hell is expanding faster than the number of souls entering, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over!

So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate offered by my friend, Teresa, during my freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account that I slept with her last night, then number 2) must be true. To this end, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that, since Hell has frozen over, it is probably not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct. This means that all subsequent souls are going to Heaven. In turn, this proves the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, “Oh, my God!”

************************************************** ********
The student who submitted this answer received an A+

[zmflavius]

HELL EXPLAINED!

The following is an actual question given in a University of Washington chemistry mid-term paper.

************************************************** *******

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proof of their beliefs using various interpretations of Boyle’s Law, which states that gas cools as it expands and heats when compressed.

However, the answer offered by one student was so profound that the professor felt obligated to share it with colleagues.

Answer:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing over time. By this, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell as opposed to the rate at which they are leaving.

I think we can safely assume that, once a soul moves into Hell, it will never leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving!

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today: Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one religion and people do not usually belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls will eventually go to Hell!

With this in mind, and considering current birth and death rates, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now… we look at the rate of change of the volume of space in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that, in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as more souls are added to the population.

This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls are entering, then the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose!

2) If Hell is expanding faster than the number of souls entering, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over!

So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate offered by my friend, Teresa, during my freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account that I slept with her last night, then number 2) must be true. To this end, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that, since Hell has frozen over, it is probably not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct. This means that all subsequent souls are going to Heaven. In turn, this proves the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, “Oh, my God!”

************************************************** ********
The student who submitted this answer received an A+

rofl, repped for the laugh

actually, wait for me to spread some rep around for a bit.

[Badstench]

I swear, this is a true story.

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Americans sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

[thingirl]

LOL! How dumb are they?

[Havoc]

Sorry Badstench, but it's not true.

http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.asp

[thingirl]

I would have thought that he woukd have snoped it already. But it's funny all the same.

[Badstench]

I just copied it direct from an email... and forgot to delete the first line. Of course I (cough, cough) knew it wasn't true!

[thingirl]

Getting it from email is worse than finding it on the internet. If I get anything even remotely similar to that, I snoop it before reading more than the first sentence or 2. I learned my lesion after I fwd ed the thing about the girl who's dieing from cancer.

[Badstench]

There's a little bit of a difference between the cancer thing and what is quite obviously a joke!

emails like that one are not meant to be disected and studied for the purpose of finding a fault. Sometimes, it's okay just to laugh! And sometimes, it's okay to want to share the laughter in it's raw form.

[thingirl]

I know, but I wen't Aww, that's so sweet and fwded to my parents and my best friend and mom emaild a responce with a link to snoops to both of us. (My friend was the one who sent it.)

And, I guess Havoc was just makeing sure that none of us emailed it to anyone.

[thingirl]

I just realized: In the Battlegrounds, you can get blue orbs and black orbs. They help you, and hurt your foes. So, Black and Blue make your enemies black and blue. I know that that's that funny (Althaough the way I used 3 thats in a row is(not)), but I thought I would post it.

[Maskull]

A new computer user browsing the internet gets a virus and is surprised when a genie appears on his screen.

"I am the most powerful genie in the world," it says, "I can grant you any wish, but only one wish. What will it be?"

Playing along, the user downloads a Google map and says, "I want peace in the Middle East."

"I don't know about that," the genie falters, "They've been at it for a millenia. That might be beyond my powers. Want anything else?"

"Well, I'm running Microsoft Vista. Can you make it faster and prevent my programs from crashing?"

"Urm," stammers the genie, "let me see that map."

------------------------------------------------

Despite what some people believe, Microsoft Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses replicate, use up valuable resources, occasionally trash your hard drive, are transportable, and slow your system down. True, Windows does all that too, but viruses are well supported by their authors, run on most systems, have fast and efficient code, and tend to be very sophisticated. As you can see, Windows is not a virus - it's a bug.

[Young Ned]

Despite what some people believe, Microsoft Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses replicate, use up valuable resources, occasionally trash your hard drive, are transportable, and slow your system down. True, Windows does all that too, but viruses are well supported by their authors, run on most systems, have fast and efficient code, and tend to be very sophisticated. As you can see, Windows is not a virus - it's a bug.

Haha, Maskull, good one! I hadn't seen that one before. :cool:

[thingirl]

I use XP (Windows XP, not the stuff you get from grinding, although I use that too ;)) and I was laughing at that. You're obviously a Linux user.

[Maskull]

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are. You don't know where you’re going. You expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

[Oldschool]

I swear, this is a true story.

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Americans sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

True or not.... LOL...

Reminds me of several not funny incidents involving deep frying frozen turkeys....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NA71ZEmOQko

[thingirl]

I didn't watch the video, yet. Now, here's my failed attempt at humor.

So, I was playing chess with an Aussie bloke and he was winning. He moved his pieces so that my king couldn't avoid capture. Then he said
"That's check, mate."

[zmflavius]

Here is a story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale."

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

[thingirl]

If I snooped that, it would probably turn up untrue.

EDIT: It said that it's a legend that first surfaced in the mid 1950s, although it's probably much older than that. http://www.snopes.com/college/admin/cakesale.asp

[psychoadept]

EDIT: It said that it's a legend that first surfaced in the mid 1950s, although it's probably much older than that. http://www.snopes.com/college/admin/cakesale.asp

But it's still funny!

[thingirl]

I thought I said that. Your right though.

[zmflavius]

Zmflavius wonders,"why is it that there are more skeletal commanders than actual undead soldiers in the BHC?"

[thingirl]

Alanne herd that and said: "Yeah, and where is that tavern in Fougbough. I keep following the Staggering Skeletons, but can't find anything."

[Young Ned]

Interestingly, the Snopes article doesn't say anything as to whether the cakes and ale legend is true or false. The existence of multiple versions of the story set at different colleges seems to argue against its truth, though.

And it is funny. :cool:

[psychoadept]

Random craigslist wackiness: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1258405496.html

[thingirl]

That's just sad. What does a pope hat look like?

[Badstench]

From a tweet by someone who shall remain nameless:

Yesterday was Random Act of Kindness day.

It all ended up rather embarrassingly. I misread it as 'Kingness'. Needlessly beat five peasants and sent Elizabeth a smutty text.

[thingirl]

Oh man.

[Young Ned]

That's just sad. What does a pope hat look like?

http://images.google.com/images?q=the+pope&btnG=Search+Images

He's talking about the tall pointy hat, aka a miter, not the little white skullcap.

[thingirl]

I don't mean any offense to any Catholics or the pope himself, but that hat is moderately amusing.

[zmflavius]

Once, there was a group of four women who would gather on Saturday mornings to play bridge (or whatever it is that grown-ups play on Saturday mornings). One of the women had a habit of telling stories which generally were offensive to the other three women, until finally, the three other women agreed that the next time the first woman told a story that offended all three of them, they would all get up and leave the room.

So Saturday comes, and right when they sit down, the first woman says,
"Hey, did you know that a boat with a 1000 prostitutes is leaving for the city of Brest this evening?"

At this point, all three women got up and prepared to leave when the first woman said,
"What's the rush? The boat doesn't leave until 10:00"

[thingirl]

OK, I read that, and started to write this with a straight face. But, now I'm laughing, so. :)

[zmflavius]

The following story and webcomic should only be read by people who are older than immature fourteen-year olds.

Bashy Know Why Caged Bird Sing (http://noblesse-oblige.org/bashy/bashylovestory.html)

The Story of Bashy (http://www.noblesse-oblige.org/kaaewen/TheStoryofBashy/page1.htm)

[thingirl]

I'm a half mature 13 year old. (it's not sept. 20 yet.) But, I get the point that you don't think I would like it.

[zmflavius]

It's actually really inappropriate.

[thingirl]

Ehh, I actually read them (you're right, the first one IS inappropriate). The story is, well, I should have stopped reading it about half way through. The comic wasn't that bad, it's sort of saying stuff I don't agree with, but they were alive and attacking him. Thingirl fail grammar test.

[zmflavius]

On KOL, Bashy got into a lot of trouble over his "I hate fetus but love you jokes." Things came to a head a few years ago when he opened a mall shop (player store) and named it "Bashy's House of Fetus Murder." The shopkeeper had a picture of a guy with a large club smashing a fetus. Even so, it was swamped by thousands of buyers purchasing cheap ramen.

[thingirl]

That makes no seance. I know what Kol is, but the rest is senseless gabber. And I'm a pro-lifer. I think that abortion is only OK when the mom is in danger, and even then it's still wrong, emergency surgery is better.

[Young Ned]

Bashy Know Why Caged Bird Sing (http://noblesse-oblige.org/bashy/bashylovestory.html)

The Story of Bashy (http://www.noblesse-oblige.org/kaaewen/TheStoryofBashy/page1.htm)

Hahaha! Ah, Bashy. Good to see he's still as tasteless as ever. :cool: I haven't thought of him in years. (Yes, it's been a while since I hung out on the KoL forums.)

Bashy is famous (infamous?) on the KoL forums for his mangled "Prussian" accent (which, of course, is nothing of the sort) and his bewildering hatred of fetuses (which is almost as bewildering as his syntax)...

[thingirl]

Maybe one of you could make a KOL group.

[zmflavius]

There is one actually.

[zmflavius]

Hahaha! Ah, Bashy. Good to see he's still as tasteless as ever. :cool: I haven't thought of him in years. (Yes, it's been a while since I hung out on the KoL forums.)

Bashy is famous (infamous?) on the KoL forums for his mangled "Prussian" accent (which, of course, is nothing of the sort) and his bewildering hatred of fetuses (which is almost as bewildering as his syntax)...

Maybe one of you could make a KOL group.

He did supply an explanation...sort of. It mainly consisted of a vision from God, the murder of his brother, and the invasion of his hometown. Asides from the things you mentioned, he's also famous for having been the person who ascended the most times (over 500). He also was the second person to do a 1-day ascension.

There is one, in fact.

[Young Ned]

For the really old-school players...

http://xkcd.com/593/

[Oldschool]

For the really old-school players...

http://xkcd.com/593/

Lol..... definitely worth a rep as I'm still chuckling.

[Young Ned]

Thought you might enjoy that one, Oldschool... ;)

[Oldschool]

To all the oldschool DnD'ers from back in the day that read Dragon and White Dwarf I thought I'd pass these along.

http://www.airshipentertainment.com/growf.html

http://www.thrudthebarbarian.com/

[Oldschool]

Thought about posting this in "The Music Room" or in something related to computer security but ultimately I decided upon this thread.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uoy8q3Xld9w

;):cool:



Disclaimer: I'm not endorsing any product although everyone should have AV/Spyware protection of some sort.

[thingirl]

The chicken...... is moving...... LOL!!!!!!!!!

BTW: Who is Dokken?

[Oldschool]

An ancient band (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dokken) from the days of yore it would seem. ;)

Just kiddin' no offense meant or taken.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ivdRPiIfL8

[thingirl]

They're not that old. I'm just young.

[wetheril]

They're not that old. I'm just young.

Well, considering that you once said Woodstock was "ancient history"... ;)

[thingirl]

You're making me laugh at me- IDK if that's good or bad. Repped all the same.

[wetheril]

You're making me laugh at me- IDK if that's good or bad. Repped all the same.

LOL, thank you. And back at you...to give you that push towards 200 Rep. ;)

[Elrond]

With 200 repps a significant milestone (at this stage), and with Thingirl at 198, who better to give her the final nudge towards 200 repps other than her forum nemesis: Moi! Lol ....

[thingirl]

Th... th... th... Oh, I can't say it. I acknowledge that you gave me repps.

[Elrond]

Th... th... th... Oh, I can't say it. I acknowledge that you gave me repps.

Thank you for the acknowledgment. And you are most welcome ;) .

[Lightwielder]

*Is sad because he doesn't have a Forum nemesis.* (Singsong)"Oh where, oh where, has my nemesis gone?"

*mopes in random corner*

[thingirl]

Well, if you start pushing someone around because of his/ her spelling or anything else, then you'll find one quickly. Although, it really takes off if you -repp them over something that she meant as a joke, but forgot to put a :p.

[Elrond]

Well, if you start pushing someone around because of his/ her spelling or anything else, then you'll find one quickly. Although, it really takes off if you -repp them over something that she meant as a joke, but forgot to put a :p.

Too true ;) people that hold grudges over a - repp after the fact tent to attract a forum nemesis :D

[thingirl]

I wish we had a better :P. But, since we don't... :p:mad::p:mad::p:mad::p:mad::p:mad::p:mad::p:mad:

[Oldschool]

Another one for the DnD'ers..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgOB7VWjlSQ

[Badstench]

I was constructing the 'events' list for the "Birthdates" thread and came acroos this entry:
1985: Shite Moslems claim to have killed hostage William Buckley
I just about fell off my chair laughing!

The word should have been, "Shi'ite".

[thingirl]

Oh man. Take off the "e" and what do you get... (I don't mean that as an offense to and Muslims out there.)

[Oldschool]

Some more Dungeons and Dragons humor,

http://www.fortunecity.com/rivendell/castle/689/jokes.htm

Two snippets....

"What do you mean?! How many hit points do I have?!"

"Was that thunder, or were you rolling damage?"


LOL..... :D

[texlaw1992]

1. D&D: "Is that a +5 vorpal longsword or are you just happy to see me?"

2. A Chinese man and a Jewish man are drinking at a bar.

Suddenly the Jewish man leans over and hits the Chinese man.

Chinese man: What was that for?

Jewish man: That was for Pearl Harbor.

Chinese man: But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.

Jewish man: Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference!

They keep drinking, then the Chinese man leans over and hits the Jewish man.

Jewish man: What was that for?

Chinese man: That was for the Titanic.

Jewish man: But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg.

Chinese man: Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference!

3. What word begins with f and ends with ck?




Firetruck - what were YOU thinking?

[Young Ned]

Some more Dungeons and Dragons humor,

http://www.fortunecity.com/rivendell/castle/689/jokes.htm

LOL..... :D

Haha... my favorite "Famous Last Words" were the ones that began "What do you mean..." :D

Have a rep for the chuckles.

[psychoadept]

I was reminded today of what's STILL, after many viewings, the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life: Richard Simmons on Whose Line Is It Anyway?

It's available on youtube in three parts:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QT_io7ytZ8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmtvt1vO3U4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRyRrdMKQFU

I'd call it at least PG-13 level content.

[Oldschool]

ROTFLMAO......... Thanks for posting that - I remember watching that one when the series was still running. Love it and the original.

Lol, repped once my power resets and I get done drying my eyes and my sides quit hurting.

EDIT: Still chuckling.

[psychoadept]

ROTFLMAO......... Thanks for posting that - I remember watching that one when the series was still running. Love it and the original.

Lol, repped once my power resets and I get done drying my eyes and my sides quit hurting.

EDIT: Still chuckling.

Glad to be of service. :) Frustratingly, I have more appreciation for that show now than when it was on air. Story of my life.

[wetheril]

I'm not sure how many people are familiar with Improv Everywhere, but I'd thought I'd share their latest spectacle here. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnY59mDJ1gg

[thingirl]

I'm gonna be singing that all day now. And Food Court Musical is funny too "Can I get a napkin, please?" ;)

[wetheril]

I'm gonna be singing that all day now. And Food Court Musical is funny too "Can I get a napkin, please?" ;)

Hehe, I'm glad you liked that! I had that song stuck in my head too. :p

[Young Ned]

Hee-hee... I think this sums up role-playing games more succinctly than anything else I've ever seen. :D http://badgods.com/mm-earseeker.html

Some background for those who might be wondering about the "Ear Seeker" title of the comic: this is from a series called "Monster Manual Comix", each one highlighting a different monster from the D&D Monster Manual. The monster being highlighted in this comic was the Ear Seeker, which is presumably why the character mentioned in the first panel was bleeding from his ears and nose, but the monster in this strip was distinctly secondary to the, erm, theological discussion, shall we say... :cool:

Edit: Oh, yes, the language is distinctly R-rated, so be warned.

[taproot97]

hehehehe

[zmflavius]

A friend of mine is an immigrant from Britain. When she first came here, she had this row with a passport official.

"Actually, I have a British birth certificate."
"Has it been translated into English?"
"It's a British birth certificate!"
"So has it been translated into English?"

[Oldschool]

@ Young Ned

LMAO.....

Funny especially for those of us that have played D&D or other pen and paper rpgs with similar type DMs or like titled individuals.

Thankfully :) our GM doesn't fit into that category.

[thingirl]

A friend of mine is an immigrant from Britain. When she first came here, she had this row with a passport official.

"Actually, I have a British birth certificate."
"Has it been translated into English?"
"It's a British birth certificate!"
"So has it been translated into English?"

And that dude worked in the passport office? Oh, people these days... He probably thought that New Zeeland was part of Australia, if he even knew what it is. Now, a British (or American) passport would have to be translated into Russian, but that's not the point... *waves "hi" to Dooli*

[psychoadept]

This website has entertained me for nearly the last two hours: http://thereifixedit.com

[Oldschool]

This website has entertained me for nearly the last two hours: http://thereifixedit.com

LOL...... pictures are sweet the comments hilarious.

[scout1idf]

This one is for your indifferent horse (http://badgods.com/unicorn.html).

[Young Ned]

That horse didn't look so indifferent. ;)

Edit: Haha, this is for all the LotR/WoW fans: http://badgods.com/lordofthewarcraft.html

[scout1idf]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were...

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Young Ned]

Haha, that's great. You would think his wife would have stopped taking him after no more than the first couple of those incidents... :)

[Taleria]

I got this link from a friend who recently signed on to Sryth. It's a parody of the song "I Touch Myself," but the parody itself is not explicit in any way. So I'd say it's safe for all ages. Heck, I like the voice of the woman who sings the parody better than the voice of the original artist. I Google Myself (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pSkYkdQGn4)

[Young Ned]

Hee-hee, that was cute. :)

[Young Ned]

Saw this elsewhere. Suggestive, but not explicit, so I think it's okay for here. I'll delete if anyone objects, though.

----

Two secretaries, a blonde and a redhead, are seated next to each other when a flower delivery guy walks in with an arm full of long-stemmed red roses.

The blonde says to the redhead: "Are those from your high school boyfriend you've been in love with all these years?"

The redhead sighs: "Yes, they are."

The blonde responds by saying: "Oh, you are so lucky."

The redhead gruffly says: "No I'm not. All that means is that I have to spend the whole weekend flat on my back, with my legs in the air and spread apart."

"Oh my," the blonde replies, "don't you have a vase to put them in?"

[texlaw1992]

I like the Austin Bar & Grill Singers for legal parodies. This is a good Youtube video of their parody of Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time."

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TkuZ5oI9uY

[Young Ned]

Wow, very nice! Fits the tune, rhymes correctly, has amusing lyrics, and the singers are all on key -- definitely an above-average parody. :cool:

[Taleria]

ROFL! I have no law background and no lawyer, yet this was intelligible to me. I was worried I'd click and all the jokes would go over my head. I adored the tone of the song. Whining and moaning, indeed. And the line about free advice. Beautifully scathing. They're brilliant! How can I rep them? *heads off to link it on Twitter*

[texlaw1992]

Yes, that song is hillarious and I think all lawyers can relate. I'm glad to see that the non-lawyers also get it. If you go to their website (type in Austin Bar & Grill singers), they have a few other songs available, but I still think Billing Time is the best.

In the days I used to chat online, I was constantly being hit on for legal advice (as well as other things). A number of lawyers have a policy not to respond to any online queries, but as long as the questions were basic, black-letter law kinds of things (i.e., how long do you have to live in Texas before you can file for divorce, etc.), I didn't have a problem responding to them. It often served as an ice breaker if nothing else.

[thingirl]

Oh yeah. You can get a Learner's Permit @ 15 in TN, right? (Hey, that's next year :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D)

[texlaw1992]

Between December 2008 and May of this year, I probably spent as much time in Mobile, Alabama as I did in Texas (huge case). TG's post reminded me of a conversation I had with my 7-year-old nephew at the time, who was convinced that in Alabama, "kids can drive and all the lights are green" (he gleaned this information from my niece / his twin sister). So, I bought him an "Alabama kids driver's license" at a novelty store. He loves it.

[texlaw1992]

I was listening to the "Billing Time" parody of "Time After Time" while going through the ice cave, and I came up with some lyrics (to the same tune) which I'm calling "Killing Time." If people like it, I can come up with more:

The CHR once told of a cave of ice
Filled with frozen guys who weren't very nice
An ice troll had an ice shield as his merchandise
But you have to kill him more than twice.

(Chorus)
I'm climbing the hill to the ice troll's lair
Time after time
All for a shield that is never there
Time after time
How long must I trek through the frozen air
Time after time
36 times is just so unfair
Time after time

Everything is frozen, with ice brigands gone to war.
Ice keys are needed to get me through the ice troll's door.
Ice chunks, bad breath, and a lot of gore.
Over and over, need I say more.

(Repeat Chorus)

The ice troll lies dead again and still the shield is out of reach.
Why must I come here instead of going to the beach?
All-Father, to you I pray, it is to you that I beseech
End all my suffering, the ice shield to me bequeath.

(Repeat Chorus)

(c) Texlaw1992 11/25/2009

[psychoadept]

Muppet music videos!

Beaker does Ode to Joy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnT7pT6zCcA

Gonzo and the chickens do Blue Danube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob6TTU1knUM

BONUS - Swedish Chef heavy metal remix: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsdDlvcIrns

EDIT: Another that's not to be missed: The Muppets cover Bohemian Rhapsody! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgbNymZ7vqY

[Young Ned]

The "Bohemian Rhapsody" one just came out recently. It's hilarious. :D

Haven't seen the others yet, so I'll give them a look. Thanks!

[Zen And Tonic]

This application tries to guess a character or a person you're thinking of by asking you a series of questions.

Akinator The Web Genius (http://us.akinator.com/#)

It guessed Pontius Pilate in 17 questions for me! :eek:

[Young Ned]

Interesting! It guessed "Jeanne d'Arc" (Joan of Arc) in about 15 questions, but it took 30 questions to correctly guess "Ged, Wizard of Earthsea". So if we were playing "Twenty Questions", it lost that time. But I was fairly impressed that it got it at all. They must have quite a database. :)

[zmflavius]

It guessed Barack Obama in 12 questions.

I guess I shouldn't have thought of such a prominent figure.

[thingirl]

Do your fav. character from your fav. Anime, Zm. I bet it doesn't have that.

EDIT: It got her in 13 guesses. But who is her?

[wetheril]

It's guessed correctly each time I've played the game. The people/characters it guessed were:

1. Polgara (from David Edding's Belgariod series)
2. Louis Armstrong
3. Gackt (Japanese rockstar)
4. Kermit the Frog

[zmflavius]

Do your fav. character from your fav. Anime, Zm. I bet it doesn't have that.

EDIT: It got her in 13 guesses. But who is her?

Is it Tsunade?

[Zen And Tonic]

It's pretty good at anime, actually. It got Johan Liebert from Monster and Morita Shinobu from Honey & Clover.

[psychoadept]

This application tries to guess a character or a person you're thinking of by asking you a series of questions.

Akinator The Web Genius (http://us.akinator.com/#)

It guessed Pontius Pilate in 17 questions for me! :eek:

Oh, this is too much fun!

It got Alan Shore (of Boston Legal) on the first try, in 20 questions.

I stumped it with Barney Collier from Mission: Impossible, though. (And if it doesn't have the character you're thinking of, you can add it.)

Also stumped it on Mary Russell, even though she was in the database. And Aerin Fire-hair...

[thingirl]

Is it Tsunade?

It doesn't have the advantage of knowing me. Yes.

I'm gonna try Frodo now. Scratch that, it seems to be broken.

Well, try again later... He got it.

EDIT: I tried Merry and he guesses Pippin. I gave it to him.

OK, I'm done. I tried "me" and the picture was a monkey.

[scout1idf]

4. Kermit the Frog
I thought that was Kermit the Bold?

[Young Ned]

I stumped it with Amy March (from Little Women), even though she was in the database. Perhaps because I couldn't remember her hair color.

It guessed Jo March, though, which is pretty close.

[zmflavius]

I stumped it with Sam Yeager, from the Tosev Timeline series. I might have answered a few questions wrong though.

It guessed Bill Gates within 17 questions.

[Badstench]

I've tried to resist telling this joke in the forum... it's a bit dicey.

WARNING: Content may offend!

The madam of a whorehouse was surprised to find a well dressed man at the door.

Said he, "Is Sophia here?"

She answered , "Yes sir, but Sophia is our most expensive girl. She can please you in any one of a thousand ways. Her expertise is unmatched, and that's why she costs so much."

"How much?" was his reply

The madam didn't bat an eyelid as she said, "$5,000 per hour".

The well-dressed man pulled a wad of notes from his pocket and thumbed out $5,000.

He was shown to the door to the room behind which the girl of his dreams, Sophia, waited.

After an hour, he came downstairs, thanked the madam, then left.

The next night, the madam heard a knock on the door and was surprised to see the same well-dressed man.

"Sophia again", he said.

"Sir, this is unprecedented. I must warn you that there are no discounts for Sophia, she being so highly prized. The price is still $5,000.

The well-dressed man thumbed out the requisite amount of money from a wad of cash and walked upstairs.

An hour later, he departed. The madam shrugged, but was happy to count her newly gained wealth.

The next night, the same man knocked on the door and asked for Sophia.

"Sir, I can't express how unoprecedented this is. Three nights with Sophia? That will cost you another $5,000."

The well-dressed man paid the requisite amount, which depleted his wad of notes, then went upstairs.

Sophia was curious why this man should pay so much for a few nights of comfort, and asked him, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from New Zealand", he answered. "The biggest city in that country called Auckland".

Sophia clapped in delight. "That's where I come from", she said.

The well-dressed man answered, "I know. Your Father died and bequeathed you $15,000. I'm his lawyer and was instructed to deliver it, which I have now done."

The moral of this story is....

There are three things in life you can be sure of:

1) Death
2) Taxes
3) and at some stage, you're going to get screwed by a lawyer

(with deference to texlaw... it's just a joke)

[texlaw1992]

No offense taken - it's a rare lawyer joke I haven't heard before. That one's funny, though I've heard a similar one set in NYC rather than NZ.

Here's a variation on one I like:

A man goes to a lawyer with documents to set up a trust for his child.

The lawyer finds many minor errors and has the man redo his paperwork three times.

As the lawyer was looking over the fourth version, he noticed the man's child was born 4 months before the man had married the mother.

"Sir," said the lawyer, "do you realize this makes your child a technical bastard?"

"Funny," said the client, "I was thinking the exact same thing about you!"

[texlaw1992]

We're having a rare snowfall here, so I thought I'd post one of my favorite accounting jokes to shift the focus off lawyers:

Three associates are interviewing for a position at an accounting firm.

The first associate goes into the office with the manager. The manager asks, "What's 2+2?" The associate answers, "4." The manager says ok, thank you.

The second associate goes into the office with the manager. The manager asks, "What's 2+2?" The associate answers, "4." The manager says ok, thank you.

The third associate goes into the office with the manager. The manager asks, "What's 2+2?" The associate gets up, closes the door, closes the blinds, turns to the manager and whispers:

"What do you WANT it to be?"

He got the job.

[scout1idf]

We're having a rare snowfall here, so I thought I'd post one of my favorite accounting jokes to shift the focus off lawyers:

Three associates are interviewing for a position at an accounting firm.

The first associate goes into the office with the manager. The manager asks, "What's 2+2?" The associate answers, "4." The manager says ok, thank you.

The second associate goes into the office with the manager. The manager asks, "What's 2+2?" The associate answers, "4." The manager says ok, thank you.

The third associate goes into the office with the manager. The manager asks, "What's 2+2?" The associate gets up, closes the door, closes the blinds, turns to the manager and whispers:

"What do you WANT it to be?"

He got the job.

I didn't know that was a joke......;)

[texlaw1992]

This is a hillarious claymation video parody of "YMCA" concerning former Idaho Senator Larry Craig and his "wide stance" bathroom incident:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cV1BGh6XYUU

[Young Ned]

Seeing Scout's notice that today is Pearl Harbor Day reminded me of a joke Paul Lynde (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Lynde) once made on the old "Hollywood Squares" TV show back in the '70s. He claimed he used to know a guy "who was half black and half Japanese -- every December 7th he attacked Pearl Bailey (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_Bailey)." :)

[texlaw1992]

When I was in high school, someone told me that the Germans had bombed Pearl Harbor. When I tried to correct him, he said no, I saw it in "Animal House."

My thoughts and prayers for all who were killed or wounded on that fateful day.

[Young Ned]

Internet Building (http://www.break.com/pictures/internet-building727205.html)

[Oldschool]

Alice Cooper fans should like this and D&D fans should really like the ending credits (about halfway through the clip). :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0AKX6TRfQA

[Young Ned]

As someone who likes D&D but doesn't like Alice Cooper, I clicked that link with some trepidation. I'd been afraid it was going to be an Alice Cooper music video, you see, so I was delighted to find out it was nothing of the sort. :)

Very funny, and yes, the end-credit scene was hilarious. :D

[texlaw1992]

He was elected Zimbabwe's President in 1980, not 1987.

[Badstench]

Sorry, texlaw; in 1980 Robert Mugabe was voted into power as Prime Minister.

In 1987, he abolished that position and replaced it with the office of Executive President.

[texlaw1992]

I'm married to a Zimbabwean, so Mugabe coming to power in 1980 stuck in my mind. You're right, Ian Smith (and thus Mugabe) was PM rather than President back then.

[Badstench]

Regardless, my all-time favourite joke is a play on Robert Mugabe's name.

It's entirely possible you won't get it unless you're familiar with English accents particular to the East End of London and a colloquialism they use.

Anyone from England should get a good chuckle out of this:

When I mentioned that it was a shame how Robert Mugabe was destroying the Zimbabwean economy with his dictatorial policies, I added that an Englishman such as him should know better.

I was immediately challenged... "But Mugabe's not an Englishman!"

"Isn't he?" I replied in a mock show of surprise. "But if you spell his last name backwards, it says "E-ba-gum!" (necessary to place an umlat over the letter "u" for the correct pronunciation)

[Young Ned]

It's entirely possible you won't get it unless you're familiar with English accents particular to the East End of London and a colloquialism they use.

I'm familiar with neither, and did not get it. :)

Anyone from England should get a good chuckle out of this:

So basically Dooli, then?

[Badstench]

No wonder nobody laughs at my jokes!

[Arik]

I don't get it, as I'm not from England.

[scout1idf]

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

[Young Ned]

Heh-heh-heh, that's perfect. :D Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? Nobody who's seen a platypus, anyway...

[texlaw1992]

I still don't get the joke. Can either of you explain to what Ebegum refers?

Years ago I went to Opryland in Tennessee when it was still operating. It was the week they opened the water rafting ride "Thunder River" and there was a very long line. I asked one of the attendants how long the ride was and she replied "Thir-ty five minutes." I thought ok, 35 minutes, that's why the line's so long. She was actually saying "three -five."

I assume that "Ebegum" joke is in the same vein.

[Doolipalally]

I still don't get the joke. Can either of you explain to what Ebegum refers?

Years ago I went to Opryland in Tennessee when it was still operating. It was the week they opened the water rafting ride "Thunder River" and there was a very long line. I asked one of the attendants how long the ride was and she replied "Thir-ty five minutes." I thought ok, 35 minutes, that's why the line's so long. She was actually saying "three -five."

I assume that "Ebegum" joke is in the same vein.

'Ee ba gum' is a phrase from the north of England which means 'well I never', or 'wow, look at that', or, well, pick your favourite equivalent. 'Ee' is an expression of surprise. 'Ba gum' could also be written 'by gum' (it's the accent).

I'm not sure if anyone actually says it any more. It's the sort of thing people use when they're doing a comedy northerner act.

[Young Ned]

'Ee ba gum' is a phrase from the north of England which means 'well I never', or 'wow, look at that', or, well, pick your favourite equivalent. 'Ee' is an expression of surprise. 'Ba gum' could also be written 'by gum' (it's the accent).

I'm not sure if anyone actually says it any more. It's the sort of thing people use when they're doing a comedy northerner act.

Aha, I figured you'd get it if anyone did. I've actually seen the phrase "by gum!" in books, but never AFAIR with an "ee" before it. I guess none of those books were set in northern England. :) Thanks for explaining!

[texlaw1992]

Thanks for the explanation, though perhaps something got lost in translation.

The funniest play on words I heard is someone trying to read the first 16 lines of "The Canterbury Tales" in Middle English with a Cockney accent. Oh, was it painful.

[Doolipalally]

Thanks for the explanation, though perhaps something got lost in translation.

Apologies to Badstench, but I got the sense of it without getting the humour!

[Oldschool]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE-1RPDqJAY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yqVD0swvWU&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yqVD0swvWU&feature=related)

:D

[scout1idf]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE-1RPDqJAY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yqVD0swvWU&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yqVD0swvWU&feature=related)

:D


Let's add 2 of our favorite subjects into one........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrAnpma5820

[Oldschool]

Let's add 2 of our favorite subjects into one........



Favorite indeed and LMAO......

[scout1idf]

I got this from a co-worker and thought I would share it........





The awesome power of a wife's love



A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

[Spickett]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' !
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?' !

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone'
:):D:):D:):D

[Spickett]

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

:eek:

[texlaw1992]

I know lawyers in South Africa. You're not getting out of a libel suit (lol).

[Oldschool]

Warning: This ones a little off color






Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?"

Father: "Sure son, what's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so
let's call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money,
so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call
you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby
brother we will call the future. Do you understand?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see
what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the
boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then
went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his
father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by
his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to
bed.

The next morning:

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand politics."

Father: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."

Son: "Well, dad, while management is screwing the working class the
government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and
the future is full of $h!t."

[zmflavius]

warning: This ones a little off color






son: "dad, i have to do a special report for school. Can i ask you a
question?"

father: "sure son, what's the question?"

son: "what is politics?"

father: "well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so
let's call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money,
so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call
you the people. We'll call the maid the working class and your baby
brother we will call the future. Do you understand?"

son: "i'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

that night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see
what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the
boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then
went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his
father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by
his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to
bed.

The next morning:

Son: "dad, now i think i understand politics."

father: "that's great son, explain it to me in your own words."

son: "well, dad, while management is screwing the working class the
government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and
the future is full of $h!t."










roflmao!

[racey]

Good one Oldschool. Repped!

[Oldschool]

Warning: The first two are a little off color



There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum.

Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."

Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better?"

"No, but it stops me from licking them!"

___________________________________________


This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it male or female?" the service guy asks. "Male," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there." An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Pomeranian, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.

When he does, the trained Pomeranian will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."

The man asks, "What's the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."

__________________________________________________ __


True story......

One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read: "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Young Ned]

Good ones, Oldschool! :D

The third one reminds me of when a friend of mine posted a picture in Facebook the other, showing a cat sitting behind the steering wheel of a car, cursing a blue streak at the driver of the car in front of his. My comment was "OMFG, a talking cat!" ;)

[spencer]

Very funny, OS, the second one especially :)

[Oldschool]

A young boy enters a store and the owner whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the store owner. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same kid coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[scout1idf]

A young boy enters a store and the owner whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the store owner. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same kid coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Smart kid.

[texlaw1992]

Slightly off-color:

A guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender $100.00 that he can fill a glass on the bar with urine from ten feet away. The bartender puts a glass on the bar and says "you're on."

The man urinates and the urine flys all over the bartender, but hardly any goes into the glass. The guy gives the bartender $100 and the bartender jumps up and down with excitement.

The guy leaves and another man walks into the bar about two minutes later. The bartender brags to the guy how he just won $100.00.

"Yes, I know," says the second man. "That guy had bet me $500.00 that he could piss all over you and you'd still be happy."

[Spickett]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon , are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult incontinance pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..." :D

[scout1idf]

Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why does someone
Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

----------------------------------------------------------

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

----------------------------------------------------------

If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

----------------------------------------------------------

Is there ever a day that mattresses
Are not on sale?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

----------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

----------------------------------------------------------

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

----------------------------------------------------------

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

----------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

----------------------------------------------------------

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

----------------------------------------------------------

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

----------------------------------------------------------

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

----------------------------------------------------------

[texlaw1992]

Largely courtesy of Gallagher and George Carlin:

1. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

2. Why do we refer to a pair of panties, but only one bra?

3. Why is everyone driving slower than you an idiot and everyone driving faster than you a maniac?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. Whatever happened to Preparations A-G?

[Young Ned]

Corn oil is extracted from corn, olive oil from olives, vegetable oil from vegetables, and mineral oil from minerals...

So why is baby oil even legal?

[thingirl]

I got a bunch of these the other day:

--------------------

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
------

IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
------

IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
---

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
---

WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
---

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
---

(And my favorite)
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

[Oldschool]

Blame these on the age poll.

_________________________________

You are no longer a kid if...............

Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t do it any more.
* Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun.
* Being bad is no longer cool.
* You have friends who have kids.
* Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
* You are taller than the slide at the McDonald’s playland.
* Your parents’ jokes are now funny.
* You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin’ bout Willis?"
* You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, ‘cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
* Two words: parachute pants
* Naps are good.
* Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
* You have once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
* When things go wrong, you can’t just yell, "Do-over!"
* The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
* You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
* Your idea of fun parties now include Chips ‘n’ Salsa and Snapple.
* You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
* You WANT clothes for Christmas.
* You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
* You’ve bought an album on vinyl.
* You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
* You read the "if you were born on this day in ____ you are of legal age to buy alcohol/tobacco" sign at the store and recall attending a high school dance on that date.
* You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that ole timer at the counter is and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

___________________________________


A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.

"And" she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."
__________________________________

Last Christmas, Grandpa was feeling his age, and found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult. So he decided to send checks to everyone instead.

In each card he wrote, “Buy your own present!” and mailed them early.

He enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities, and it was only after the holiday that he noticed that he had receiving very few cards in return. Puzzled over this, he went into his study, intending to write a couple of his relatives and ask what had happened. It was then, as he cleared off his cluttered desk that he got his answer. Under a stack of papers, he was horrified to find the gift checks which he had forgotten to enclose with the cards.
__________________________________

Proof of the old saying, "Old age and treachery will always defeat youth and skill."

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”

[zmflavius]

This thread seems dead.




A memo in a student dining hall: Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already died after eating it.

[Oldschool]

--------- Warning there's some off color bits and some language --------


LOTR bloopers (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-L96WqXEbeE)

[Doolipalally]

Love it!

[Badstench]

There was a british comedy duo, real names Ronnie Corbett and Ronnie Barker. Collectively, they were known as "The Two Ronnies".

their skits were original and hilarious. They specialised in playing on words, twisting meanings and upstaging common belief. The show was played during the early eighties. It is still one of my favourites.

this skit is one of their best!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCbvCRkl_4U

And because I want to be loyal to new Zealand, here's a fantasy song by "The Flight of The Conchords"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-jVAHAuiS4&feature=related

and if Conchords tweaks your funny bone, have a look at this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmLHOGT0v4c&feature=related

[Oldschool]

Lol Badstench, nice links.

Folks here's some Bill Dance bloopers. Dance is one of the premier professional fishermen of all time.

Even if you're not familiar with Dance or you don't fish you should enjoy these bloopers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POdOBXOXQts

[Lugwy]

There is a reason I love the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic series, despite the--issues--I have with them. That reason is a certain assassination droid named HK-47, among others.


Statement: Oh, yes. My master had quite the collection of tortured individuals that seemed unable to confront their basic personality conflicts. Let me cite some specific examples.
Mockery: "Oh, master, I do not trust you! I cannot trust you or anyone ever again!"
Mockery: "Oh, master, I love you but I hate all you stand for, but I think we should go press our slimy mucus-covered lips together in the cargo hold."
Conclusion: Such pheromone-driven human responses never cease to decrease the charge in my capacitors and make me wish I could press a blaster pistol to my behavior core and pull the trigger.

Reading doesn't do it justice, so listen to it here (http://www.tindeck.com/listen/xnem).

[thingirl]

Welcome back, Lugwy.

[texlaw1992]

Always good to see another fan of the original Adventure.

[Oldschool]

Revenge is mine....... :cool:




http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/rha/lowres/rhan839l.jpg

[thingirl]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, how will we fight Ildraria if she doesn't show up???????????? ;)

[Young Ned]

LOL at the knight's naivete. How hard could it be for the dragon to get a new ISP?

[texlaw1992]

One of my female lawyer friends was in an onlne lawyer chatroom the other day talking to someone who represented that he was a lawyer. This little snipet (more or less) ensued:

Him: I like to help people who can't afford lawyers.

Her: Pro Bono?

Him: No, I like Cher.

As Larry the Cable Guy would say, "that's funny right there."

[Young Ned]

Note: although the following is written in the first person, I am not the one who wrote this; I'm just transcribing it from where I found it.
____________________

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2-1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!"

My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[Oldschool]

@ Texlaw and Young Ned, L:DL!

[thingirl]

@ Tex: I don't get it.

@ Ned: ROTFLSHTISTC :) (ROTFL so hard that I scare the cat :)) My sisters are either not interested in tea parties, or climb on everything anyway so it's safe to assume that the water came from the sink. I, on the other hand, ... :D Actually, I was smart enough to know that you don't drink from the toilet. But still...

[Doolipalally]

@ Tex: I don't get it.

Ah, these young people...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonny_%26_Cher


EDIT: and just in case http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pro_bono

[thingirl]

Ahh, makes sense now. Thanks Dooli. Too bad jokes aren't that funny when someone has to explain it to you. Still,

@ Tex: OK, now that I know the reference, LOL.

[texlaw1992]

Thanks for the assist Dooli - ah, the youth of today (lol).

Pro Bono = For the public good (i.e., discounted or free).

Sonny Bono = now deceased, once married to Cher.

[Oldschool]

Sonny Bono = now deceased, once married to Cher.

Also a member of the US House of Representatives (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonny_bono) and not to be confused with Bono (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bono) (pronounced differently).

[zmflavius]

Ummm...

[Oldschool]

Lol...... sad thing is I can see the potential there for folks to take advantage and abuse unemployment compensation.

[Young Ned]

LOL @zm. All I can think of is maybe they need some temporary extra workers to help close down the store...

[thingirl]

What does "Store Closing" actually mean?

We moved to Memphis in August, and a furniture store, Classic Oak, said it was going out of business at that location around the time we got here. It was still open at Christmas. On Dec. 20, they had a sign saying "Last 5 Days!". They were open after New Years. Not sure if they're still open or not.

And... On our way to Church, we pass a video store. I forget how long, but it's been saying it's gonna close for a while. Probably a month or 2.

Anyway, @ Zm: LOL!

[texlaw1992]

It's actually illegal in a number of states to advertise "going out of business," etc. when you're not actually doing so (it's actually a deceptive trade practice here in Texas).

I guess it does not really matter if you don't patronize that location, but if you do, you may want to contact whatever government office in your state handles consumer protection matters.

[thingirl]

We don't visit either of them. The video store is 15-20 minutes from us, while there's a Blockbuster right around the corner. And we don't actually buy that much furniture, so Classic Oak isn't even an issue. And I don't think it's worth is to contact the BBB.

[Badstench]

Gotta love the Irish...

The following is best read while affecting an Irish accent.

1) Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

2) Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay... pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

3) Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

[spencer]

Hilarious!! Have a rep

[thingirl]

This video (http://purinaanimalallstars.yahoo.com/?v=7134987&l=100000085) is awesome.

If I were the cat "Meow, why doesn't this silly human help me with this... thing instead of pointing that strange object at me and following me around?"

[Young Ned]

@Badstench: LOL, especially the parking space one.

@Thingirl: "This video is no longer available" -- awww. But I searched YouTube for "Static Cling Cat" and watched the first three videos in the results, so I have a general idea what it was like. (Although one of them wasn't really static cling, because they were using Post-It Notes!)

[thingirl]

@ YN: It works for me. But, I found it on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TE2r0vjkXK0). Take a good look at what happens from 0:38 - 0:43 :D:D:D.

[racey]

Posted by oldschool in a different thread...

There's a guy at work I sometimes call (well now "we" since it stuck) Hoover. The first time I used it someone said who are you talking about? I said _______ . You know..... "Hoover" - an upright suction device.

But it reminded me...

How do you tell the difference between a Harley Davidson(Motorcycle) and a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner?

The position of the dirt bag!

A die hard Harley owner/rider told me that one.

[texlaw1992]

I was on the freeway the other day behind a biker and laughed when I saw the back of his shirt:

"If you can read this, the [chick] fell off!"

[The word "chick" was not used, but you get the drift].

[Badstench]

Now THAT is funny! Next time I'm in company with a guy wearing a leather vest sporting a 'patch', I'll pull that one out.

[Oldschool]

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
___________

Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download."
___________

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

___________

And you might be a redneck if.....

You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.

[Badstench]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

[Oldschool]

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.



Why do they call it "Rush Hour"?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why is it called a television set if you only get one?



How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
How can the universe be infinite and expanding at the same time?



If you ate pasta and antipasta would you still be hungry?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular why is it still #2?



Ham and Eggs. A day's work for the chicken; a lifetime commitment for the pig.

[racey]

Another one along the lines as above...

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

[Badstench]

Along the same lines as above...

Why, when you freight something by car, is it called a 'shipment', but if you freight the same thing by ship, it's called 'cargo'?

[thingirl]

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

[texlaw1992]

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

[Doolipalally]

I hereby nominate Racey & Texlaw for the Great Minds Thinking Alike award.

I hereby nominate Texlaw for the Not Paying Attention award. :D

[scout1idf]

In response to Zumryn's Stone Hurl Challenge, Vurii, from the Adventurer Collective, is offering a challenge of her own.

This Saturday brave adventurers who are up to the challenge can enter the Lunch Hurl Challenge sponsored by the Smells Bitchen Cafe located inside of the Collective.

The challenge is an all you can eat buffet, of yesterdays leftovers, then when the time is rite, to see who can hurl their lunch the farthest.

The prize for the top 3 winners is they don't have to clean up the mess and a lifetime supply of leftovers from the Smells Bitchen Cafe.

Are you brave enough to enter?

[texlaw1992]

Racey used his time travel device to steal my joke! (lol)

I honestly don't remember it there - I think we may have posted around the same time. Oh well.

[Young Ned]

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Wow, that's a really good question. Perhaps because mice don't have much meat on them, so you'd need a lot of mice to produce significant amounts of the food... and processing them would be pretty labor-intensive, too. Imagine having to remove the skin and bones from thousands of mice a day...

That's probably the same reason there's no canary-flavored cat food, either. :)

[Lugwy]

Promise me that you won't murder me for the punchline. Really. There's one. ;)

--


So, there’s a man crawling through the desert.

He’d decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn’t get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he’d paid attention to the sun and thought he’d figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he’d be back to the small town he’d gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he’s afraid that he’ll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he’d had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he’s really thirsty. He’s been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He’s reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it’s mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he’s been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn’t recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn’t remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he’s close, and that after dark he’ll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that’ll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.


Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they’re full of sand. He so thirsty that he can’t even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He’d forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn’t noticed it the night before because he’d been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes – three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food – then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn’t the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He’s not sure. He’ll go a little farther, and if he still doesn’t find water, he’ll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question – which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that – when you stop sweating he knows that means you’re in trouble – usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it’s time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can’t wait any longer – if he passes out, he’s dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn’t even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.

He figures that since he’s drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He’s quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him – if he didn’t drink it, he’d die anyway. Besides, he’s pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick – their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he’ll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He’s careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He’s not sure if it’s fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV – he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it – he’s getting woozy enough and tired enough that he’s not sure what he remembers any more or if he’s hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn’t he? He thinks he was. He isn’t sure any more. He’s not even sure how long he’s been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon – it seems like it’s been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

[Lugwy]

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn’t remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn’t think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he’ll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn’t feel like getting back up – he’ll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren’t so dry, he’d laugh. He’s finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert – crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they’d be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he’s at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn’t where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn’t know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It’s a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it’s dark – darker than the sand. There seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can’t tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still cannot tell from here. He’s going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he’s in trouble – he’s not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he’s caught fire on the way down – like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn’t just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He’d get up and walk towards it, but he doesn’t seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn’t have water, he’ll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can’t see what’s in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won’t quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he’d seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he’s no longer on sand – he’s now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -a pattern cut into the stone. He’s too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is – so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn’t seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He’s probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he’ll know he’s gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he’s going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what’s in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It’s the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he’s hearing. He would swear that someone just said, “Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?”

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it’s too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different – he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He’s sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn’t have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn’t even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he’s not going to be able to move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He’ll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake’s direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn’t rattled yet -that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn’t going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he’d looked up when he’d reached the center here because he thought he’d heard a voice. He was still very woozy – he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn’t have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn’t look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that’s why it wasn’t biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, “Hello,” but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he’s going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn’t good. He doesn’t have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, “Hello? Is there anyone here?”

He hears, from his side, “Greetings. What is it that you want?”

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That’s where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.

“Please,” he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, “I’d love to not be thirsty any more. I’ve been a long time without water. Can you help me?”

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, “Very well. Coming up.”

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He’s momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers – the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

[Lugwy]

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them – blood. He feels his shoulder again – his shirt has what feels like two holes in it – two puncture holes -they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.

“It’ll feel better in a minute.” He looks up – it’s the snake talking. He hadn’t dreamed it. Suddenly he notices – he’s not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he’s not thirsty any more – at all!

“Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?”
“Sorry about that, but I had to bite you,” says the snake. “That’s the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine.”

“You bit me to help me? Why aren’t I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven’t had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid… hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?”

“No,” says the snake, “I’m real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn’t give you a drink. I bit you. That’s how it works – it’s what I do. I bite. I don’t have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here.”

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn’t, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great – he was still starving and exhausted, but much better – he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.

“I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,” continued the snake. “I can guess why you drank it, but I’m not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It’ll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it.”

“Ummm, n-next request?” said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

“That’s the way it works. If you like, that is,” explained the snake. “You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish.” The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

“But there are rules,” the snake continued. “The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility.” The snake looks at the man seriously.

“By the way,” the snake says suddenly, “my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me ‘Snake’. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn’t stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish.” Again, the snake grinned. “Sorry if I don’t offer to shake, but I think you can understand – my shake sounds somewhat threatening.” The snake give his rattle a little shake.

“Umm, my name is Jack,” said the man, trying to absorb all of this. “Jack Samson."

“Can I ask you a question?” Jack says suddenly. “What happened to the poison…umm, in your bite. Why aren’t I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that’s how you work?”

“That’s more than one question,” grins Nate. “But I’ll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question.” The snake’s grin gets wider. “Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That’s what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more – but ‘any more’ is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent – now, as long as you live, you shouldn’t need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat – much like a creature of the desert. You’ve been changed."

“For the third question,” Nate continues, “you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you’re a man – and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is.” Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

“As for the fourth question,” Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, “first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can’t tell you.”

“Wait,” joked Jack, “isn’t this where you say you could tell me, but you’d have to kill me?”

“I thought that was implied.” Nate continued to look serious.

“Ummm…yeah.” Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. “So, what is this ‘Bound by Secrecy’ stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?” Jack thought for a second. “And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?”

“They may, I don’t really know,” said Nate. “I haven’t gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?”

“Yeah, they do,” said Jack.

“I figured,” replied Nate. “As for being bound by secrecy – with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won’t be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You’ll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I’ll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I’m guessing that you’re a man of your word, you’ll never test the binding anyway, so you won’t notice.” Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. “Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?”

Well, Jack,” said Nate sadly, “I can’t tell you that, unless you make the second request.” Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

“Umm, well, ok,” said Jack, “what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?”

“Sure!” said Nate, brightening. “You’re allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They’re like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can’t give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be – you still wouldn’t be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion.” Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.

“Well, anyway,” continued Nate, “I’d probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you’d be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you’d tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you’ll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me.”

“Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?” said Jack. “And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn’t sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can’t ask to be rich, right? Because that’s not really a change to me?”

“Right,” nodded Nate.

“Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?” Jack asked, hopefully.

“That takes two requests, Jack.”

“Yeah, I figured so,” said Jack. “But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?”

“Well, I could make you very smart,” admitted Nate, “but that wouldn’t necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn’t necessarily make you the best athlete either. You’ve heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there’s some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can’t make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it.”

“Hmmm,” said Jack. “Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?”

“Maybe,” said Nate, “it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes.” Nate looked like he’d shrug, if he had shoulders.

“Ok, well, since I’d rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn’t sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?”

“No,” said Nate. “Just hold out your hand. Or heel.” Nate grinned. “Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that’s how it works – the poison, you know,” Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn’t hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk its fangs into you...

[Lugwy]

Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn’t hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn’t going to be easy.

“Hey, Jack,” Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, “is that someone else coming up over there?”

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate…

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans…


Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. “I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn’t have to
hoodwink me like that.”

“I’ve been doing this a long time, Jack,” said Nate, confidently. “You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you – especially one my size. And besides, admit it – it’s only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn’t hurt any more, does it? That’s because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you’d heal quickly now.”

“Yeah, well, still,” said Jack, “it’s the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn’t you have gotten my calf or something instead?”

“More meat in the typical human butt,” replied Nate. “And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second.”

“Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,” answered Jack.

“Ok,” said Nate. “Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?”

“Just talk,” said Jack. “I’ll sit here and try to not think about food.”

“We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,” answered Nate.

“Hey! You didn’t tell me you had food around here, Nate!” Jack jumped up. “What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?” Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

“I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,” replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

“Ugh,” said Jack, sitting back down. “I think I’ll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there’s nothing to burn – I’d have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk.”

[Lugwy]

“Ok,” replied Nate, still grinning. “But I’d better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. “You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden.”

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.

“Well, that’s the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,” said Nate. “Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here.” Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done – it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he’d looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. “In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,” said Jack. “Which way is it back to town? And how far? I’m eventually going to have to head back – I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I’m not sure I’ll want to.”

“It’s about 30 miles that way.” Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he’d been going when he was crawling here. “But that’s 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It’s about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack.”

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. “Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?”

“Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,” said Nate. “He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a ‘tree’, offering ‘temptations’, making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while.”

“Garden of Eden, hunh?” said Jack. “How long have you been here, Nate?”

“No idea, really,” replied Nate. “A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it’s been thousands of years, at least.”

[Lugwy]

“So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?” said Jack.

“Beats me,” said Nate. “Maybe. I can’t remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a ‘temptation’, though I’ve rarely had refusals.”

“Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?” asked Jack.

“Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake – much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don’t remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I’ve been here ever since.

“What is this place?” said Jack. “And what did he ask you to do?”

“Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?” Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.

“You can’t touch that yet, Jack,” said Nate.

“Why not?” asked Jack.

“I haven’t explained it to you yet,” replied Nate.

“Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something,” said Jack. “You’d push it that way, and it would move in the slot.”

“Yep, that’s what it is,” replied Nate.

“What does it do?” asked Jack. “End the world?”

“Oh, no,” said Nate. “Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it ‘The Lever of Doom’.” For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate’s pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. “Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?”

“Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said,” smirked Nate. “I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn’t you?” He continued to grin.

[Lugwy]

“A lever to end humanity?” asked Jack. “What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?”

“Well,” replied Nate, “I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I’m not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it’s here. I didn’t think to ask back when I started here.”

“Rules? What rules?” asked Jack.

“The rules are that I can’t tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That’s it.” explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. “You mean that I could pull the lever now? You’d let me end humanity?”

“Yep,” replied Nate, “if you want to.” Nate looked at Jack carefully. “Do you want to, Jack?”

“Umm, no.” said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. “Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It’d take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn’t it?”

“Yep,” replied Nate, “being as he’d be human too.”

“Has anyone ever seriously considered it?” asked Nate. “Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?”

“Well, of course, I think they’ve all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I’m told. Samuel considered it several times. He’d often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn’t be here.” Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, “So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?”

“That seems to be it,” agreed Nate.

“What kind of criteria do I use to decide?” said Jack. “How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they’re good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they’re going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?”

“Nope,” replied Nate. “You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It’s up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you’re just supposed to know.”

“But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn’t I make a mistake? How do I know that I won’t screw up?” protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. “You don’t. You just have to try your best, Jack.”

[Lugwy]

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. “Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?”

“Yep,” replied Nate. “He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago.”

“Sounds like a good guy,” agreed Jack. “How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?”

“Well,” said Nate, “he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you’re doing.”

“What did he ask you, if you’re allowed to tell me?” asked Jack.

“He asked me about the third request,” replied Nate.

“Aha!” It was Jack’s turn to grin. “And what did you tell him?”

“I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you’ll come here and end it. You won’t avoid it, and you won’t wimp out.” Nate looked serious again. “And you’ll be bound to do it too, Jack.”

“Hmmm.” Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

“Nate,” continued Jack, quietly, eventually. “What did Samuel ask for with his third request?”

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, “Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him.”

“Ok,” said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate. “Give it to me."

Nate looked at Jack’s backside. “Give you what, Jack?”

“Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it’ll help me too.” Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. “It did help him, right?”

“He said it did,” replied Nate. “But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about.”

“Well, yeah, I can see that,” said Jack. “So, give it to me.” Jack turned toface away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

“You remember that you’ll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?” asked Nate, shifting position.

“Yeah, yeah, I got that,” replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate’s voice.

“And,” continued Nate, from his new position, “do you remember that you’ll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?”

“Yeah, yeah…Hey, wait a minute!” said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. “Purple?!” He didn’t see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate’s “Just kidding!” right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

[Lugwy]

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he’d been recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night’s air the only sign that he was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

“Nate, do accidents count?”

Nate lifted his head a little bit. “What do you mean, Jack?”

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. “You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it does, Jack. I’d suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly,” said Nate with some amusement.

A little later – “Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?” asked Jack.

“That’s the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it,” answered Nate.

“No,” Jack shook his head, “I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?”

“Yes, those should work,” replied Nate. “Though I’m not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he’d build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn’t be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared.”

“Wow,” said Jack, “Cool.” Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

“Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?” asked Jack.

“Yes,” replied Nate, “it was. He lived 167 years, Jack.”

“Wow, 167 years. That’s almost 140 more years I’ll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?”

“He died of getting tired of living, Jack,” Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. “Samuel knew he wasn’t going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they’d eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he’d have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind – he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn’t very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway."

“His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn’t stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he’d had enough. It was his time.”

“And then he just died?” asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. “He made his forth request, Jack. There’s only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite."

After a bit Nate continued, “He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had."

After another pause, Nate finished, “Samuel’s body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise.”

[Lugwy]

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack’s breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn’t willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he’d be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate’s good directions, he made it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate’s lever, though their path back didn’t come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn’t unheard of, and shouldn’t really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate – recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he’d be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him – a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly – at least once or twice a year.

[Lugwy]

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he ‘d been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn’t seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings. But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual, not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack’s best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn’t been able to replace Samuel in Nate’s eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn’t even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate’s silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. “Jack, I have someone to introduce you to.”
Jack looked surprised. “Someone to introduce me to?” Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. “This something to do with the Big Guy?
“No, no,” replied Nate. “This is more personal. I want you to meet my son.” Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. “Sammy!”

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

“Yo, Jack,” said the new, much smaller snake.

“Yo, Sammy,” replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. “Named after Samuel, I assume?”

Nate nodded. “Jack, I’ve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?” Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. “When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance – to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been. He’s seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it’s not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?”

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn’t even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. “Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?” Jack could sense that was something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, “Oh, yeah. Ummm, I’ve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!” Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. “Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don’t even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.” Nate grinned to himself. “But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I’m tired. I’m ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.”

Jack considered this for a minute. “So, you’re ready to come see the world, and you want him to watch the lever while you're gone?”

Nate shook his head. “No, Jack – you’re a better guesser than that. You’ve already figured out – I’m bound here – there’s only one way for me to leave here. And I’m ready. It’s my time to die.”

[Lugwy]

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this – probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel’s decision, and now Nate’s.

So, all Jack said was, “What do you want me to do?”

Nate nodded. “Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One – show Sammy around the world – let him get his fill of it, until he’s ready to come back here and take over. Two – give me the fourth request."

“I can’t just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won’t even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it’ll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I’ll be able to die. And I need you to kill me."

“I’ve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won’t work on me. And I’ve seen pictures of snakes that were shot – some of them live for days, so that’s out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword."

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. “I’d say an axe, but that’s somewhat undignified – putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me. You willing to do that for me, Jack?” Nate turned back to look at Jack.

“Yeah, Nate,” replied Jack solemnly, “I think I can handle that.”

Nate nodded. “Good!” He turned back toward the dune and shouted, “Sammy! Jack’s about ready to leave!” Then quietly, “Thanks, Jack.”

Jack didn’t have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following.

Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He’d come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn’t want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn’t have a foot) and told Jack that it was time – he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he’d learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.

[Lugwy]

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he’d met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn’t really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he’d forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They’d either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he’d go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn’t really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he’d decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack’s driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune – the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he’d gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn’t have enough traction. He pumped the brakes – no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down – the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn’t do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn’t working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever – he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever – he wouldn’t have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away. Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit – every little bit would help. He’d have to time his turn just right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were.

But Jack noticed something else that he hadn’t seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn’t wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, “BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!” he ran over the snake.


--

*flees*

[spencer]

Loved it...well worth the read :)

[thingirl]

L:)L Same.

[scout1idf]

I thought it was worth a rep....

[Badstench]

The joke is only funny by the telling... and the telling was AWESOME!

In fact, I didn't care about the punchline... the story was great!

but I loved this bit...
“But there are rules,” the snake continued. “The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility.” The snake looks at the man seriously.
That is genius!

[Badstench]

This is the short version...

Two trampers were strolling in the desert of Arizona when one of them felt a sharp stab and pain in his ass.

"What was that?" he yelled.

His friend looked... "Oh my god! You've been bitten in the ass by a diamondback rattle snake. If that isn't sucked out in the next two minutes, you'll die!"

"What? Oh no! What does that mean?"

"It means you're gonna die!"

[Oldschool]

LOL!!!!! :D

Excellent storytelling Lugwy. :)

[Young Ned]

Wow, Lugwy. That... is the longest goddamn shaggy-dog story I have EVER read. Very well told, and with a groaner of a punchline. Well played, sir, well played. :D

[Arik]

I've heard that joke before...but in a much shorter form.

[Oldschool]

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

If you mix flour, water and salt you get glue.
If you add eggs, baking powder and oil, you get cake.
Where does the glue go?

Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?

Why is it that you sit in front of your TV and behind your computer?

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

[scout1idf]

I got this from a co-worker......


Copper wire:



After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, after finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"


One week later. A local newspaper in Ohio reported the following:


"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Findlay , OH . Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ohio had already gone wireless".


Buckeyes are such a proud bunch.

[zmflavius]

A teacher and a student:

"Sir, Sir, can I go to the bathroom?"

"Say may"

"May I go?"

"Yes."

"Ahhhhh..."

[Young Ned]

Two women were sitting next to each other at a pub in Boston . After a while, one looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other woman responds proudly, "Yes, I sure am!"

The first one says, "So am I! And whereabout in Ireland are ye from?"

The other woman answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first one responds, "So am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other woman says, "A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town."

The first one says, "Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ye go to?"

The other woman answers, "Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course."

The first one gets really excited and says, "And so did I! Tell me, what year did ye graduate?"

The other woman answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first woman exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can ye believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!"

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Michael asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

Brian answers, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[spencer]

LOL, good one Ned.