Thought fragments & fragmented thoughts. (Sigynna Oiorpata: A Life In Thoughts [?])

[Tetracapillactomist]

Not hypocrisy. Change... For the worse, maybe. Possibly, probably not permanent. Though one can never tell such things in advance.

Sigynna held on dearly to my 'Noble' alignment in the game for over half a year I think, never increasing it, but avoiding false and presumptuous sainthood...

I decided to downgrade that alignment to 'Bitterly Disheartened' today. Or 'Vowed to be cold-hearted.'

Maybe it's just a passing feeling.

Or maybe it's a trend.
*****

Though, in the case of Raine's characters this might a small string of outstanding debt, inconsequential all in all - returning old 'favours' - so maybe that alignment change is wrong.

Maybe it should be 'Avenging' then, or the more pejorative but less accurate 'Vengeful' ...

... but that wouldn't fit the overall disposition and alignment of the character, as he's too broody and wounded to be vengeful, vengefulness is not in his nature and he has no true inclination towards it.
*****

No, these days he just roams Tysa killing 'monsters' absent-mindedly, resenting the fact that he must do so if only to survive, not passionate about advancing at all cost, but still doing it all the same, with a lost sense of purpose, aimlessly, going from one killing to the next as a bloody drudgery for one lacking in bloody-mindedness or sadistic urges, not deriving any joy from killing or inflicting suffering.

Definitely a reluctant 'hero,' one that shudders at the thought of celebratory displays of hero-worshipping by way of streets and alleys lined with cheering people and ear-splitting fanfares.

The world is too great, and too filled with pain and cruelty and treachery, betrayal, uncaring and impersonal, too forgetful, for that sort of raucous indulgence, in his view.

Too changing, too inconstant, while also remaining the same, change being the only constant in life, for those same cheers not to turn into jeers, and peals of laughter into tears of sorrow and pain.

Rivers and rivulets of blood shrouded in a blood mist made thick with the droning din of battles and the constant screams, murmurs, and sighs of unwillingly departing souls, and of life ending.

Dust to dust and ashes to ashes.

~

[Tetracapillactomist]

(Sigynna...)

Fighting... Is there a winner when friends fight? Can there be?...
There can be no winner in a fight among friends... There is no winner.

I don't fight to play... I don't play-fight. I don't fight unless I have to. Unless I can't help it... If I fight, I mean it. If I fight, I'm serious. If I fight, it's because I have not found another way...

Fight for kicks, kill for fun?...

I can't fight friends, because I may win...
I won't fight foes only to lose to chance, on a whim...

If you fight a foe, you must win, or it's losing it all to death.

If an enemy is who you fight,
you cannot leave it all up to a roll of the die...
Cannot give yourself over to luck, and die.

Never engage lightly,
never underestimate,
never take anything for granted;
nothing's a foregone conclusion,
nothing is known in advance.

Fight only if you must,
but win at all cost,
if it's your enemy you fight.

Lose, if loss is unavoidable,
but live at the end of the fight;
begin planning your next move...

Never let go, never give up.

Never take a battle for a war.
Battles can be lost. Are lost.
Every day...

Wars can be lost, but not War.

War never ends...

Peace is the lull before tempers flare...

To fight... or not to fight...
To fight, to win...
To fight, to lose...

Can winning by defeating a friend be enjoyed?...
Is losing by allowing your foe the slightest chance to win fun?...

[Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them.]

To dream...

("what dreams may come?")

~

[Doolipalally]

Is a contest of skill the same as a fight? One may fight for many reasons. A battle for survival, a war, to protect, to kill, to avenge, for profit. Or as a test, for pleasure, for the chance to sharpen one's skills by facing off with a friend and revelling in the contest. Can a fight not in that case be a game? I may test myself against friends at chess, at cards, in a race, or a tournament. Winning and losing may be because of skill, or luck, or both. Winning and losing are not the whole point.

Of course, I may have misunderstood the direction of your thoughts... :)

[Tetracapillactomist]

No, you haven't. [edit] (At least not altogether. That's part of it all.)

Only, they're fractured thoughts...
(Maybe from a temporarily fractured mind. Or fractured something.)

Like a broken mirror, shards and reflections point in every direction...

[edit] Although, perhaps, the thoughts were centred on the act, the contest, the fight.
To fight, whether winning in the end, or losing...
To fight - the idea of the fight, behind the fight.
To fight for the joy it, or for the entertainment, gladiatorial fight.
Taking it a step further: to kill for kicks, for fun, for sport, for profit...
Taking another step: the joy of killing... Yeah.
The final step.
The sadistic enjoyment of causing suffering of some sort. Any sort.
Yep, that's a final one. Can't step much farther than that, much lower. At least... I can't imagine anything worse at the moment.

Like I said: fractured thoughts... My thoughts. Or Sigynna's. Or both of ours... Fractured as they are. For better or worse.
Taking a thin thread, and weaving... Over-under, over-under...
The thought, the thread - it takes on a life of its own inside my head...
Not disparaging!...
Just dark.
Can't subscribe to it (I think)...

Roleplaying?... Maybe...
It is what it is, we are what we are, I am what I am...

~

[Tetracapillactomist]

(Sigynna; random episode...)

Still later in the afternoon, you find yourself at the edge of the list field, standing with Tenelbria and Ash as the three of you watch Mironor make several practice runs up and down the lanes on either side of the tilt. You all agree that he is indeed a highly-skilled jouster and, as one might expect, a master horseman.

"He certainly knows his way about a tournament field," says Ash, who has taken a keen interest in the mercenary captain's style and method. "If he's half as good with a sword as he is with a lance, you'll have yourself quite a bout, Akinakes!"

Tenelbria scowls and chastises Ash for his comments, and the master jouster smirks.

"You're sure to defeat him, Akinakes," says Tenelbria, casting a sideways glance at Ash. "Isn't that what you think, Ash?"

"Oh well, of course," he says, still smirking. "I mean there's nothing you have to worry about, Akinakes. After all, I'm sure even this Mironor has a bad day on the field once in a while..."


I no longer know who she may be, and the fact that her (undercover) name conjures up darkness (Tenebrae, Ténèbres, Ténébreuse, Tenebrous...) notwithstanding, I decided I like her... (Surprise, surprise...)

(And 'Ash' seems a good bloke as well.)

Maybe I'll stick round Saarngard.
(Anyone knows of habitable Saarngard residence up for sale?... A flat'll fit the bill till better comes along...)

[Tetracapillactomist]

I'm thinking TC might not participate based on a post. And Tetra if you're reading this I hope I'm either wrong on that thought or that you change your mind. There's nothing wrong with a little friendly competition.

Thank you, OS, for the sentiments, that's kind, and Tex for noticing. I'm of two minds about this, and more - but there it gets too complicated... three minds and four. (Hmm, I'll take this and play with it in my corner, I think...)

Behold...

Mind #1: 'Yes.'
Mind #2: 'No.' ...
Mind #1: 'Should.'
Mind #2: 'Shouldn't.'
Mind #1: 'Should.'
Mind #2: 'Couldn't possibly...'
Mind #1: 'You're taking it all too seriously.'
Mind #2: 'It is all serious - it's not about Us, remember?... And all things are affected by it, its seriousness... Couldn't avoid that if you tried.'
Mind #1: 'You could try. Could avoid thinking about it.'
Mind #2: 'Couldn't. Can't. I tried.'

Mind #3 (chimes in): 'You two won't even ask MY opinion... But that's fine, I'm too down to care either way. And what about The Others?...'

Minds #4, #5, #6, &c. (in a discordant chorus): 'Yeah!...'

Mind #1: "Oh, bother!"
Mind #2: "There you have it... What'd I tell you... Yeah."
Mind #1: "Well, there, you have me."
Mind #2: "What I've been trying to say..."
Mind #1: "Well, you seldom do a good job of it."
Mind #2: "I know. Can't be helped. I'm trying to say, and trying not to say at the same time..."
Mind #1: "You're telling me!..."
Mind #2: "I'm telling everyone and no one..."
Mind #1: "Bloody ...! We're back to that, are we?!..."
Mind #2: "Never left."
Mind #1: "&^@%&#*$!" O.o
Mind #2: "Yeah."

Mind #3: "Hey, you two... Keep it down. I'm trying to sulk here..."
Minds #4, #5, #6, &c. (in a discordant chorus still): "Yeah..."


In fact it's a bit less friendly and less enjoyable when desired friends (and you are on that list) aren't there if that makes any sense.

Thank you! It does! It does make sense, of course. But that's just it...

But I'm just a blip, and this is no reflection on any of these proceedings, really, has little to do with it - my 'misgivings,' 'reservations,' whatever else, are just a side-effect.

Desired friends... Thank you..

But that's just it... My best, closest, dearest friend's pretty much missing. Missing as well... And with that, I'm not up for much, things aren't the same, Sryth isn't the same...

Feels like it's a part of me that's missing now. Arguably (not much to argue), the better part...

"I'll see you next at Bearpath Lodge within the month," he says, maneuvering his horse alongside yours and initiating a shoulder cross. "Goodbye and good luck."

I feel worn by saying goodbyes...
I'm sick of saying goodbye to friends...
Sick as a dog, weary and wary,
sick to my stomach of saying goodbye...
Will- and heartbroken too.
Broken heart and broken will,
that's most of what I feel,
and all that matters most...

It all happens silently, but sometimes I can't help breaking the silent vow, speaking out, and mostly speaking 'out of turn.'

I can't believe I lost another friend, but so be it... Maybe I didn't, but that's how it feels, that's what it seems like; so, for the time being, that's what it is.

I miss so much, I can't even say, or won't.
My decisions and actions, and what I say or don't say, are tinged with that feeling of missing, sense of loss...
(If and when there are any decisions, or actions, or if there's even a word to say.)

So many holes left by so many losses, I might be turning into one unified, walking void.
I become a riddled Void.
Travelling through the void left by others.

A Void walking in the void.

And in terms of age, I haven't even begun losing people yet, I know. So this can only intensify, will only become worse, in time.

Well, that's where I am right now, in any case...
Mind #1: "Which is where, exactly?"
Mind #2: "Yeah. My point. Exactly..."
Mind #1: "???"
Mind #2: "Lost, you idiot."
Mind #1: "Aah! Right. Well, screw yourself."
Mind #2: "Likewise, you pragmatist, unfeeling ass."

Mind #3 & al.: "SHUT IT!"

Mind #2: "Peasants..."
Mind #1: "'Peasants?!' Who says things like that?!..."
Mind #2: "Oh, bugger it all..."
Mind #1: "Yep."
Mind #2: "Yeah."
Mind #1: "Well, g'night."
Mind #2: [snorts dismissively] "Sleeping... Death by instalments..."
Mind #1: "Better than by wholesale overdose - GOOD NIGHT!"

---------------

Mind #1: "Oh, right - almost forgot: so what about this fight?"
Mind #2: "What fight?..."

[curtain]

[Tetracapillactomist]

A longstanding legend has it that there is a maze somewhere at the heart of Mount Maeltar, and that anyone able to find it and successfully traverse the many perils it contains will discover Maeltar's tomb, and the untold riches it contains.

I wanna be a tomb raider now... Give me Maeltar's tomb to sack - give it me!...

:-)

[Tetracapillactomist]

Adventures in Sryth and pearl of wisdom -lucky I'm no swine, they're not wasted on me
Complacency, blind trust, and wills smote asunder [...] -- this is what we are up against -- and so too, I fear, it may prove our undoing.

Hmm... Words to heed indeed. (Well beyond the shores of Tysa...)

[Tetracapillactomist]

"L'enfer, c'est les autres." J.-P. Sartre (second player of Sryth to a stolen KB)

"Mais « l'enfer c'est les autres » a été toujours mal compris. On a cru que je voulais dire par là que nos rapports avec les autres étaient toujours empoisonnés, que c'était toujours des rapports infernaux. Or, c'est tout autre chose que je veux dire. Je veux dire que si les rapports avec autrui sont tordus, viciés, alors l'autre ne peut être que l'enfer. Pourquoi ? Parce que les autres sont, au fond, ce qu'il y a de plus important en nous-mêmes, pour notre propre connaissance de nous-mêmes. Quand nous pensons sur nous, quand nous essayons de nous connaître, au fond nous usons des connaissances que les autres ont déjà sur nous, nous nous jugeons avec les moyens que les autres ont, nous ont donné, de nous juger. Quoi que je dise sur moi, toujours le jugement d'autrui entre dedans. Quoi que je sente de moi, le jugement d'autrui entre dedans. Ce qui veut dire que, si mes rapports sont mauvais, je me mets dans la totale dépendance d'autrui et alors, en effet, je suis en enfer. Et il existe une quantité de gens dans le monde qui sont en enfer parce qu'ils dépendent trop du jugement d'autrui. Mais cela ne veut nullement dire qu'on ne puisse avoir d'autres rapports avec les autres, ça marque simplement l'importance capitale de tous les autres pour chacun de nous.

[...] j'ai voulu montrer, par l'absurde, l'importance, chez nous, de la liberté, c'est-à-dire l'importance de changer les actes par d'autres actes. Quel que soit le cercle d'enfer dans lequel nous vivons, je pense que nous sommes libres de le briser. Et si les gens ne le brisent pas, c'est encore librement qu'ils y restent. De sorte qu'ils se mettent librement en enfer."
J.-P. Sartre

-----------------

"[...] But 'hell is the others' has always been ill understood. It was believed that what I wanted to say there, was that our relations with the others were always poisoned, that these relations were always infernal. However, it's an entirely different thing I want to say. I mean to say that if our relations with another are twisted, tainted, then the other person cannot be anything else but hell. Why? Because the others are, basically, that which is most important in ourselves, for our own understanding of ourselves. When we think of ourselves, when we attempt to know ourselves, in the end we are using knowledge that others already have about us, we judge ourselves through means that the others possess, which they passed on to us, while judging us. Whatever I say of myself, always the judgement of others enters into it. However I feel about myself, the judgement of others enters into it. Which means, if my relations are bad, I place myself in utter dependence of another, and then, indeed, I am in hell. And there are a number of people in the world who are in hell because they depend too much on the judgement of others. But that doesn't at all mean that one cannot have different relations with the others, it simply marks the critical importance of all the others for each of us.

[...] I wanted to show, by way of the absurd, the importance, for us, of freedom, that is to say, the importance of changing actions by way of taking different actions. Whatever the circle of hell in which we live, I think that we are free to shatter it. And if people don't break free, it is still freely that they remain within that circle. With the result that they put themselves freely into hell."

(On-the-fly translation by 'yours truly,' in order to explain my siggie, and avoid the common misinterpretation of that quote...)

[Tetracapillactomist]

From the horse's Zumryn's mouth...

"If one is mindful of something that aught to be done, then one must surely seek
to act on it, before it's too late. Our time is, after all, only fleeting.
You know, as well as I, that we mustn't take for granted those things that we have,
those things that we've always known, for it is unlikely that we will always have them...
or that we will always know them as they are now.
And, of course, it is with profound sadness that we will even consider such change...
and yet...speaking for myself...I find such sorrow easily tempered by great,
unbounded joy to think that now, at this very moment, there is time for these things...
and only a fool would choose not to seize upon it!"

(M. H. Yarrows, 2011 Yuletide special event)

(Have new-found respect for old Zumryn.)