The Chosen One

[Choson One]

(Episode One of the Epic Tales of Epicness Story I decided to make. I am just starting out so any feedback could be nice. It takes place after The Caves of Westwold Quest. I will update it regularly but i'm in a hurry right now.)

Chapter 1: A New Quest

The Chosen One strode down the village of Hawklor. He has been recognized for his great deed to the village. He had been rewarded a nice amount of money and had some greet practice. He felt as if he could take on the world! He decided to take a drink at Stoneback, but was stopped by a young woman, possibly just at the age of 15. "You! It's you! Your the one that took out those Goblins!" She said in a suprised voice. "Yeah that's me." The Chosen One replied. "Oh may I ask you for your help Mr?" She pleaded. "Sure. What is it?" "My Brother was kidnapped by some Bandits. I listened in and heard they were going to the Moonshore Crossroads. He's all I got." "Alright! Ill go check it out now." "Oh please. Ill give you these coins I found in a sack nearby." The Young Girl pulled out a sack and poured out 20 Adventure Tokens in her hand. "Holy...alright. First let me get a drink and ill set off. What's your name?" "Terra. Nice to meet you Mr!"

[thingirl]

First, you used "epic" too much in the title. Second, new paragraph, new speaker. I'll put this in word so I can actually read it and it not feel rushed. Then I'll edit it (comments in bold, grammar fixes in italics, spelling [using spellchecker] fixes in underline, style fixes in italic, underline) and PM it to you.

[thingirl]

OK, first off, I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm bashing you. It's just my way of constructive criticism, is more criticism than constructive. And I can't really base a review off of only one paragraph. Now:

(Episode One of the Epic Tales of Epicness Story I decided to make. I am just starting out so any feedback could be nice. It takes place after The Caves of Westwold Quest. I will update it regularly but i'm in a hurry right now.)

Chapter 1: A New Quest

The Chosen One strode down the village of Hawklor. He has been recognized for his great deed to the village. He had been rewarded a nice amount of money and had some greet practice. He felt as if he could take on the world! He decided to take a drink at Stoneback, but was stopped by a young woman, possibly just at the age of 15.

"You! It's you! Your the one that took out those Goblins!" She said in a suprised voice.

"Yeah that's me." The Chosen One replied.

"Oh may I ask you for your help Mr?" She pleaded.

"Sure. What is it?"

"My Brother was kidnapped by some Bandits. I listened in and heard they were going to the Moonshore Crossroads. He's all I got."

"Alright! Ill go check it out now."

"Oh please. Ill give you these coins I found in a sack nearby." The Young Girl pulled out a sack and poured out 20 Adventure Tokens in her hand.

"Holy...alright. First let me get a drink and ill set off. What's your name?"

"Terra. Nice to meet you Mr!"

Well, you'll notice that I spaced out the dialog to the generally accepted format. Also, when you're writing words like "I'll", make sure to use a '. And the word "Mr." has a period after the r. You didn't describe the characters very well (It is usually a good idea describe your characters at least a little. The GM's style of letting us see the characters for our selves is slightly odd in this area.)

And, well, it's short. Maybe if this was a prologue and it started with C1 sneaking up on the bandits. Also, words with mostly colloquial meanings (such as "epic", "dude", "LOL", ect...) don't belong in titles. It's OK to have one or more characters (usually kids) talk like that. And more action with the dialog would be nice.

[Choson One]

Thank You tingirl. I might have catched some of those and have a better title for the stories but as I said I was in a hurry.(Had too fill in at work.) I will fix it soon enough.

[thingirl]

USE PROPER GRAMMAR! "I might have caught that." "had to fill in at work." I know I'm not your grammar teacher and this isn't a chapter, but how you post responding to comments affects the story.

[zmflavius]

USE PROPER GRAMMAR! "I might have caught that." "had to fill in at work." I know I'm not your grammar teacher and this isn't a chapter, but how you post responding to comments effects the story.

Grammar and speeling are closely related. Sort of.

[thingirl]

i no

EDIT: Yes, they are. Like "Catched" is past tense, but "Caught" is proper English. And, according to spell check, "english" (no capital) isn't a word.

[Doolipalally]

USE PROPER GRAMMAR! "I might have caught that." "had to fill in at work." I know I'm not your grammar teacher and this isn't a chapter, but how you post responding to comments effects the story.

A useful rule in life: triple-check what you type if you're correcting someone else. It should be 'affects' the story, not 'effects'.

[thingirl]

Ugh, Ugh, ugh, thanks Dolli for saying what spell check doesn't.