Forum members asking for real life help

[Badstench]

I was close to deleting the thread, "The Poets Corner", in the fan section. Let me explain.

I've been writing poetry on and off for years, had a few things published, and hoped that anyone who reads it enjoys my musings.

I've been flattered by enthusiastic responses to my poetry, but that's all good and well when it comes to the reading public. It would be nicer if the enthusiastic responses came from a literary figure who might offer me a publishing contract.

Recently, I happened upon a contact who suggested I should collate everything and submit it to a certain publishing outfit that specialises in poetry, but she had a problem... she was familiar with one of my poems, but from a different writer.

She directed me to a website, and there, plain as the nose on your face, was one of my poems (with a few words changed), claimed as being an original endeavour by another writer. Because of this "coincidence", she asked on the validity of my talent... the practical upshot being that I was suspected of "borrowing" my words from someone else. I was horrified.

Thankfully, I was able to prove that the poem in question was mine, because it was one that I had submitted to a publishing company in a competition TWO YEARS previous to the other claim. The poem had not been accepted at that time, but I had kept a written letter returned from the publishing company (hard form) with a dated certification. This pre-dated any claim from the other writer.

The practical upshot is this... the poems I present in this thread are mine! Any semblance to another writer is purely coincidental, and if such an occurrence happens, I am only too happy to delete such writings from my history.

I posted about a similar thing involving a photo that appeared on the internet claimed by a person in Missouri, but the photo was actually taken by a woman who lives in New Zealand. The claimant was using it as an advertisement for his own business.

Anyway... the whole thing about copyright is fraught with legal gobbledegook, more so when the internet is involved. Because this is a public domain, and I present poems under the psuedonym of "Badstench", this places any claim to my own poems in jeopardy.

I have a saving grace in that I used my real name, "Kori Mitchell", when creating my Sryth account. However, I used to be a participant of Excite (before a hacker caused those chat rooms to be discontinued), and it's possible someone "borrowed" my poem from that site.

The bottom line is this... If my poems are read and enjoyed by people around the world, that makes me feel good. I have never consciously asked for reward or payment for something I enjoy doing, but if someone else "takes" my creation and makes money from it.... I feel cheated... I feel like I've been violated!

The suspicion has to be asked.... did the violation come from this site, Sryth?

********

Luckily, the person who liked my poems, looked at other writings of mine and could tell the poem in question was from the same brain. She asked if I would like to pursue a query to the company that published my poem under the guise of a different claimant.

Am I a pussy for declining? To me, the whole thing is annoying, but it's not worth the hassle of a legal wrangle. I have the option of presenting the same poem, then if someone takes me to task over it, I have proof of origin.

********

But, I mentioned that I might delete this thread. This is only so the same thing won't happen again before I have a chance to get published. In the meantime, it would be safer to keep my poems to myself.

Texlaw... what is your take on this? I understand that laws are different from country to country, but is there a common ground?

[Badstench]

I hope the title of this thread doesn't sound too needy.

I had an epiphony! There are times when things happen in our real lives that create stress and tension, angst and worry. Sometimes, those emotions exist purely because we don't know how to deal with it... our expertise and knowledge doesn't encompass the problems that beset us.

In being a member of this forum, I've come to recognise that there are some very clever people out there who know more about certain subjects that I don't.

With this in mind, I would like to start this thread... a place where members can ask for help with real life problems.

Maybe it's a professional problem, or a relationship problem, or something with a simple answer that we can't see because the stress obscures rational thought.

Whatever, I would hate to think that a word of comfort or good sense went unheard, and a member of this forum did something silly because no-one was listening.

This is my way of holding my hand out to anyone who is feeling sad, or depressed, or suicidal, or angry. It's sometimes easier to talk to a computer screen.

I will say this as a rider.... if anyone does unburden themselves here, please answer only if you have the expertise or relevant experience, and think you can help.

The truth is, I only know you from a name on a screen, but I fully realise that there is a real person behind the name. You belong to this forum community, and you are a valued person.

To end, if anyone is willing to exclaim their particular sphere of professionalism that might be of help to people who frequent this site, that would be great.

I'm a writer with published experience. This is a start.

[texlaw1992]

I don't normally read this thread (The Poets Corner), but TG alerted me to Badstench's question.

I think you asked me the same question once before, and I responded that under US law (and probably most Western European systems), you can copyright your own work. The usual method would be to include in your posts something to the effect of "(c) Badstench (or your real name) 02/19/2010," which should put you in compliance with US intellectual property laws (although I'm not an ip lawyer). Note that all bets are off in Asia, as they're not big on ip, especially in China (although membership in the WTO is supposed to change that).

As to the person who posted your poem and claimed it as their own, yes, you would have a legal claim against them. The real issue is whether you have more than nominal damages, although if you were offered money for your work but ultimately could not sell it for the agreed price due to the questions about its origin, you would certainly have the offered price as a basis for damages. Even if you ultimately sold it for the agreed price, you might have a claim for the expenses, if any, associated with clearing up the origins of the work. I don't know the specifics of your situation.

As a real-life example, I once dated an artist who found one of her works posted on a website doing some sort of advertising (it was part of a "wall" of about 100 paintings). I sent them a letter and they immediately pulled the picture and sent a written letter of apology. She wanted to sue anyway, but had no provable damages, so it wasn't worth it.

Like I said, I'm not an ip lawyer, but I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions and I'll try to address them.

[smv1973]

Great idea for a thread Badstench.


I am disabled and have a list of medical troubles. I got hurt at work back in June 1998. Up to this point I have had a total of 13 surgeries (and will need to have more in time) on my neck(6), right elbow(4), right wrist(2) and left elbow(1). The main troubles I have is a spinal cord injury and nerve damage in my right arm. I am a great listener and like to try to help in any way that I can. I am also open to questions to feel free to ask.

[Elrond]

Great idea for a thread Badstench.


I am disabled and have a list of medical troubles. I got hurt at work back in June 1998. Up to this point I have had a total of 13 surgeries (and will need to have more in time) on my neck(6), right elbow(4), right wrist(2) and left elbow(1). The main troubles I have is a spinal cord injury and nerve damage in my right arm. I am a great listener and like to try to help in any way that I can. I am also open to questions to feel free to ask.

First off, congrats on your No. 1 ranking in reputation. Secondly and more importantly, my best wishes to you for a quicker recovery and successful surgeries in the future. I wonder what advice you might have for people who have suffered serious injury. The advice I'm referring to is on how to carry on and continue to make a difference.

[texlaw1992]

Smv, I think you're lucky you live in Mass. with injuries that extensive. I do not know how the workers' comp system works in Mass., but I imagine it's far more progressive than the one we have in Texas. If you were subject to the Worker's Compensation system in Texas, they would have put you at maximum medical improvement in 2000 and closed your file.

Anyway, I think this forum is a good idea. I assume most people on the forum know I'm a lawyer, so if anyone has legal questions, I'll be happy to help if I can.

[smv1973]

First off, congrats on your No. 1 ranking in reputation. Secondly and more importantly, my best wishes to you for a quicker recovery and successful surgeries in the future. I wonder what advice you might have for people who have suffered serious injury. The advice I'm referring to is on how to carry on and continue to make a difference.

Giving advice to someone that has suffered a serious and often life altering injury can depend on a few factors that can be very sensitive.
-One factor is the persons age. The age a person is when they suffer their injury can be a big factor.
-Another is acceptance and/or acknowledgment of the injury. If a person does not or will not acceptance or acknowledge their injury than there is a chance that they may not want advice, and may not be willing to talk about their injury.
-Another factor is support. Having some type of support is a big factor. The more support (family, friends, counseling and groups) has the better their chances are to adjust and get as much enjoyment from life they can.

I will use myself as an example and give a short history about my injury and after.
My injury happened when I was 24 years old. I was hurt on 6/19/98 and that was just two days before my 25th birthday. Also my injury happened in two phases. The injury I had on 6/19/98 was to my right wrist(wrist was broken), and right elbow(nerve damage from dislocation). I had a lot of pain to deal with and over time I lost most of the function in my right had. On 12/11/01 I had a surgery on my neck to place a device(a spinal cord stimulator) that would try and help control the pain I had in my right arm. I found out there was a complication from the surgery after I woke up. The stimulator was crushing the right side of my spinal cord. The right side of my body was paralysed. I was taken for emergency surgery the next evening(12/12/01) to remove the stimulator. When I got to the Rehabilitation Hospital I was told that there was a high chance that I would never walk again. I was 28 years old at this time and after I was told that I went numb. I could not believe what had happened. The next morning the doctor was talking to me and he brought up the subject that I may never be able to walk again. I told him "not if there is anything I can do about it". I was going to do what ever it took to be able to make it so I can walk and not be wheel chair bound. While at the Rehabilitation Hospital I worked as hard as possible and when I was discharged I was able to walk again. The way I walked was not perfect but I was just happy to be able to walk.

When I first had my injury I did not have a very good support system. At the time I was in a relationship and my injury added another factor to a relationship that was not very healthy before I got hurt. This is a very hard subject for me to talk about, and not a subject that I like to talk about. At the time of my injury I had been with my girlfriend for 3 years. She was a very controling person and everything had to be her way. When I dared to voice my own opinion I would get a verbal lashing and even got physically hit a couple of times. After my injury she became even more hostile towards me and even resented me because of my injury. Also because I was not able to work a job and she still had to work at her job really made her mad. I told her several times that if she wanted to trade places I would be more than happy to. I broke up with her about six months after my spinal cord injury. She is a couple of years younger than I and I did not think it was fair to her to have a boyfriend that has so many medical troubles and would never be able to give her the life she wanted and deserved. I also had the fear of what could happen is she got mad at me and came at me to physically hit me. I thought it was best for both of us to move on with life and go our separate way.

After I broke up with my girlfriend I was able to surround myself with a better support system. The support of my family and new friends that I made from a spinal cord injury group was a great help. Having a good support system helps a great deal with being able to adjust and move on with life.

[Elrond]

Thanks for the thorough response, SMV1973! It was a post that evoked many thoughts and feelings. What struck me was that you were better off after the first injury than afterwards. The simulator experience was a disaster! I do hope that the people responsible were held accountable!

The advice that might be given to people with injuries is definitely reliant on the factors you mentioned. And the few experiences I witnessed attest to that. In addition, these experiences point to the ability to motivate and convince the person that there is a purpose in life that needs to be fulfilled. Dang! Some people with serious injuries have tremendous reserve of willpower and determination.

Finally, please allow me to comment on your previous GF and say that it is good that the relationship ended. You make it sound as if it wasn't going to hold up anyways.

[texlaw1992]

That's quite an unfortunate set of circumstances smv. I concur with Elrond though - if every cloud has a silver lining, losing the gf was it. It's good to see that you maintain a positive mental attitude to dealing with your injuries.

"Complications" are sometimes code for an error on the part of the doctors. Unless Mass. has an extremely generous statute of limitations for med mal claims (which I doubt), if you had any claim, it's likely barred at this late date. Still, hopefully you've otherwise had no problems with your medical coverage over the years (whether workers comp, private insurance, or both).

[Young Ned]

I'm blown away by your openness and honesty, smv. What happened to you is very unfortunate, and you have my deepest sympathy. I think you have a very healthy attitude in how you're handling it, and I'm glad you've been able to get a good support team on your side. Good luck.

[smv1973]

That's quite an unfortunate set of circumstances smv. I concur with Elrond though - if every cloud has a silver lining, losing the gf was it. It's good to see that you maintain a positive mental attitude to dealing with your injuries.

"Complications" are sometimes code for an error on the part of the doctors. Unless Mass. has an extremely generous statute of limitations for med mal claims (which I doubt), if you had any claim, it's likely barred at this late date. Still, hopefully you've otherwise had no problems with your medical coverage over the years (whether workers comp, private insurance, or both).

I should point out that I was told that having the surgery to place the type of stimulator I had put in and the location in my neck made it a very high risk surgery. I made the choice to have the surgery and just did not have a good out come from it. I hold no ill will toward my doctor. I still see him and he has done other surgery on my neck. The last was done in 10/04 and I had no complications. Taking any leagal action against my doctor never crossed my mind even though I did have people telling me that I should have sued.

After the problems with my case no doctor or hospital around the area will not even try to place that type of stimulator in the neck. So I guess the troubles I went trough has saved others from having the possible problems that I went through and still live with.

Now my workers comp has at times been a nightmare to deal with. At two different times my workers comp adjuster at the time cancelled surgeries that I had scheduled. The first time they did it two days brfore the surgery, and the last time they did it three days before. The last one the cancelled it took almost a full year to get the adjuster to re-approve the surgery. I have a worker comp attorney and he really put a lot of pressure on my workers comp. So much so that the attorney that represents the workers comp even told the adjuster to just approve the surgery and stop waisting everyones time. At this time the adjuster that I have for the most part been good.

[texlaw1992]

I've never had this problem before and don't know what I did, but since Monday or so my back has ached whenever I stand up, sit down or reach to the right while sitting down. Getting in or out of the car is painful until I'm seated or standing. There's no problem walking or sitting normally. I figured it would go away by now, but it's still there. I just shifted while typing -ouch.

Anyone have any suggestions? I'm thinking of taking the wife's suggestion to use her heat pad overnight.

[Badstench]

Your description sounds muscular as opposed to spinal. In particular, when you reach/ move to the right?

You've strained a lateral. Contrary to popular belief, you actually need to exercise that muscle for a while... don't let it freeze. In other words, sorry dude, but lying on a couch and watching DVD's wont help.

[racey]

I agree with Badstench in the fact that it is probably a pulled muscle. Since it has been several days since it happened the heating pad would be OK to use. However I recommend that you don't use it overnight. This article (http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/sportsmedicine/a/iceorheat.htm) details how to "heat" an injury. As Badstench also stated the fastest way to recover would be stretching/exercising, but who has time for that? LOL!

[Elrond]

I've never had this problem before and don't know what I did, but since Monday or so my back has ached whenever I stand up, sit down or reach to the right while sitting down. Getting in or out of the car is painful until I'm seated or standing. There's no problem walking or sitting normally. I figured it would go away by now, but it's still there. I just shifted while typing -ouch.

Anyone have any suggestions? I'm thinking of taking the wife's suggestion to use her heat pad overnight.

Tex, check in with a specialized physician. If not treated properly, these muscle strains could affect the spinal cord, or could linger longer than necessary. And you might require a physiotherapist too. But in the end, you should have the problem dealt with properly.

[thingirl]

Tex, I agree with Elrond. See a specialist. If he recommends stretching, then here's one of my stretches:

Stand up straight. Put one arm straight up and lean your upper body away from that arm. For example if you're holding a doorknob with your other had, then lean towards the doorknob.

Hope it stops hurting soon.

[Oldschool]

Hope you feel better Texlaw.

Thought this would be the place to put this "request".

With the recent quakes in and around Japan and Chile and the subsequent tsunami warnings Badstench in New Zealand and Taleria in Hawaii come to mind as well as all the people in the affected areas.

So take a minute or two and say a prayer, have a thought or whatever your conscience tells you to do.

[scout1idf]

Both of you put the surf board away and head for high ground.:rolleyes:

Taleria, I would suggest heading for the observatory up on top of the volcano.
Badstench, I don't know where you should go, just as long as it's high up.....

[texlaw1992]

It's better today, but I hadn't thought about working the muscle instead of not using it (not that I can really avoid it). I'll work on stretching it and see if it goes away over the next few days. I'm not going to bother with a doctor yet - like most men, I don't care to see doctors unless I really need them (although I have decent health insurance through my firm). I just wish I knew how it happened in the first place.

Still, a strained muscle is no match for the possibility of a tsunami. All you islanders out there, be careful and stay dry.

The tsunami did not affect Hawaii and NZ is safe. Also, took Tylenol for the aches -definitely helped.

[Badstench]

Re Tsunami... little effect to New Zealand.

There were "surges" of water, the highest surge being 1 metre. This appeared at low tide, so the effect was minimal.

But it was interesting: whereas it takes a few hours for the high tide mark to be reached from low tide, it only took a few minutes when the first water surge arrived.

[scout1idf]

Re Tsunami... little effect to New Zealand.

There were "surges" of water, the highest surge being 1 metre. This appeared at low tide, so the effect was minimal.

But it was interesting: whereas it takes a few hours for the high tide mark to be reached from low tide, it only took a few minutes when the first water surge arrived.


I'm glad nothing bad happened.

(bet you had thoughts of surfing though, didn't you?)

[Oldschool]

Big mine explosion in the southern part of the state here.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5g8-DEMtAE9q4i4ySQ0eV_qZefmRQD9ETLJ9G0

25 dead and 4 missing. Say a prayer, have a thought or do whatever your conscience tells you to do for the missing and the families of all the miners.

[thingirl]

Please pray or whatever for the folks in this western Chinese town.

7.1 quake hits rural area.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/as_china_earthquake

[texlaw1992]

So I get home today around 7, walk in to the house and can hardly breathe. The &%^^& maids left the gas on all day! I'm glad I didn't switch on the light first.

I've opened every door and window, but it still smells even after two hours (it's cool weather but no breeze). Now I'm sitting in the driveway typing, waiting for the gas company who says not to go in the house until they get there.

Anyone have any suggestions?

[thingirl]

Sorry. That sound annoying. Hope you can get back in soon.

Although after you can go back in, I still wouldn't light a match or anything for a while. It should be safe by Saturday though, maybe sooner.

[texlaw1992]

Gas company's here. Hopefully we can go back inside soon.

[Elrond]

So I get home today around 7, walk in to the house and can hardly breathe. The &%^^& maids left the gas on all day! I'm glad I didn't switch on the light first.

I've opened every door and window, but it still smells even after two hours (it's cool weather but no breeze). Now I'm sitting in the driveway typing, waiting for the gas company who says not to go in the house until they get there.

Anyone have any suggestions?

First off, glad that you're all OK; and that this didn't lead to any regrettable consequences. Secondly, poor maids!!!!!!!

[texlaw1992]

Gas is gone, ok to go inside.

[Badstench]

Shame on me... I read the preceding post first and thought you were talking about the bathroom!

Luckily, I read the posts before that, otherwise my first piece of advice would have got you blown to smithereens (possibly even smaller bits). :o

[Lightwielder]

So I get home today around 7, walk in to the house and can hardly breathe. The &%^^& maids left the gas on all day! I'm glad I didn't switch on the light first.

I've opened every door and window, but it still smells even after two hours (it's cool weather but no breeze). Now I'm sitting in the driveway typing, waiting for the gas company who says not to go in the house until they get there.

Anyone have any suggestions?

I hope you chastised or fired those maids.

[Badstench]

How do I post a pic... a big one?

Please talk to me like I'm a computer idiot... explain step by step.

[Oldschool]

Well you can copy paste the link but that then the viewer will have to click the link.

To actually post the pic there is a postcard looking image beside the quote tags. Clicking it will open a box where you can paste the url or link.

Or alternatively you can put the link between {IMG} {/IMG} tags just replace the wavy brackets with the standard [ ] ones.

[texlaw1992]

Yes, they got a serious tongue-lashing, but have apologized profusely, so I'll probably forgive them. On the other hand, had I flipped on the light before walking inside, I'd probably feel differently if I were still alive after the house blew up.

[thingirl]

There was that much gas? Wow, really glad you're OK.

[Badstench]

I have a very real problem for which I'm asking advice.

I have a 21yr old son. Basically, he's a good person; he doesn't do drugs, he isn't a boozer, he loves his grandma.

But.... and this is a biggie... he lacks motivation, has no friends, and thinks life is crap.

He finished High school thinking life would fall into place and everything would be okay, but it didn't happen for him. He spent a "gap year" (HA!) enjoying himself, but when it came time to join the real world, reality turned it's nasty head in his direction.

He has no real qualifications and is finding it hard to find gainful employment.

He's depressed and unhappy.

To put this in context, as his father, I worked to point him in directions that might interest him; I got him a beginning position at my own work so he could learn the value of earning a wage. When that part time position was made redundant, his uncle (my brother) employed him into another part time position.

I pushed him into thinking about the armed forces, and he got accepted into Navy training. Unfortunately, he developed a medical condition that saw him discharged from the navy.

Now, he does nothing... and I mean, nothing!

His mother rang me recently. She's at her wits end, worried for him and worried for herself.

I have one idea left... and for this you have to understand that I am part Maori and have a large extended family. My family lives in a province (state) where the main industry is fruit growing and vineyards.

I have suggested to my son that he should go there, live with people who work hard as a matter of course, and learn about values they might teach him.

I suggested it to him, but in the back of my mind, I'm ready to drag him there.

Because, my son is on the edge... he feels lost and worthless.

I'm really afraid he might hurt himself... kill himself. And yu have to understand, because I think this, I think of myself as having failed him and being a failure.

If you're reading this, perhaps you have an idea I haven't thought of?

[spencer]

First, I just want to say that I hate that anyone is having such a tough time and let you know that I am thinking about you and hope things work out for your son. I know how difficult it must be. I have a special needs 15 year old son, who has some major issues, one of them being a severe learning disability that is going to significantly limit his employment opportunities. Anyway, I think your idea is a very good one about getting him to learn the value of work. I assume that the University is not an option or you would have mentioned it. The only thing that I can add for now, is that if you are really concerned that he might harm himself, please try and convince him to see someone, a counselor, a minister or teacher or someone that he can talk to who might help him. I truly hope for you and him that he is not seriously considering this, but if you have seen signs that concern you, he really needs to see someone. I am sorry that I cannot offer more. I truly hope that he will be OK and I will send positive thoughts and prayers your way from Tennessee. Take care, friend.

[Oldschool]

Can't think of anything to add that Spencer hasn't already said except for other educational/job training opportunities besides traditional college such as vocational, apprenticeship or on the job training in something he might fancy or something that may challenge and interest him.

Good luck to him, you and his mother Badstench. And like Spencer mentioned thoughts and prayers.

[thingirl]

I don't have the RL XP to say anything useful. :) I'll try though...

Let's see, IDK what I'm gonna do either. Probably something computer related (I'm sort of addicted to the clacking of the keyboard by now. It's a cool sound. Yeah, I should probably stop now...). Mom has me reading books like "What Color is Your Parachute" and other stuff for finding what you want to do.

I would say have him read "job books" like I said (Or read them to him or read them yourself and think as if you were your son). And then if/once he figures out what he wants to do, get him into collage.

If you're really concerned about his mental health, do get him to see a concealer or someone. If he's religious, have him talk to a leader or a close friend in that religion.

Other than that, thoughts and prayers from Tennessee. I hope it all works out.

[Mak]

I am reluctant to write about this. I have no business giving anyone advice, especially on such a sensitive subject, and yet... Your son reminds me of someone I used to know - well, me actually. At 21 I had just lost my baby son and quit college. I had no real qualifications and was finding it hard to find gainful employment.

The question here is : do you think of your son as a young man, someone in need of help and support? If so, you need to recall back to your own memories at about his age.

At 21, you are a man. Period. Your blood is boiling, your heart is bursting with passion, your mind is struggling with a hundred different ideas and concepts, and a tiger is roaring within your soul, ready to rip you and anything that comes near you to shreds. Every day you wake up only to see a stranger in the mirror ready to unleash that tiger. The world is out there to test you, either to crush you or submit to your will. You don't need loving family or kind friends to hinder you or hold you back with support you don't really need. What you need is stand on your own feet, alone, and find out what you are made of. If this sounds overly dramatic, well.. at 21, you thrive on drama.

You are only faintly aware of the consequences of your actions and impact of your decisions, and quite possibly still cling to the delusion that the world in general, and friends and parents in specific, owe you.

You need some real life experience to go beyond that and grasp that There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch. TINSTAAFL. To be a man, you have to think and act as a man.

Badstench, I don't know your son. I am sure he is a good man but that is not enough. Don't try to reach out to him, relate to him or -shudder- be a friend to him. It wont work. Any advice, job opportunity, or educational program you may suggest will "suffocate" him and ultimately fail. So don't advise or suggest. Send him to your relatives with the understanding that he will be covering his rent and food by his own work. Don't offer him alternatives. It's your way or the highway. Be firm, both you and his mother. Either he goes to work and get some real life experience... or he finds his own way. And you want that. You want him to stand up to you and say "I will find my own way, old man". Just make sure he understands he can always call upon you to support him on the choices he makes. As long as he make choices, you job is done. Only he can live the life he wants - he just has to go out there and get it.

I apologize if I have given offense - writing the above made me realize I should be poihibited by law to give advice.

[Oldschool]

Condolences on your loss Mak.

[scout1idf]

I agree with Mak.

Your son can make a better life for himself if he makes his own life. The hard work (for his food and rent) can help show him either "hey, this isn't so bad, I kinda like it." or "I need to go to school and learn something cause this work sucks!" (the latter statement is the choice I wish I had made)

I'll not give any further advice on this, just wanted to voice what I did.....

[texlaw1992]

Your son sounds like he might be clinically depressed. You may want to take him to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. You'd be amazed how quickly antidepressants can change everything, which I know back from the days of my divorce. Within a week I was thinking "what was ever bothering me?"

My brother was somewhat the same way, although he graduated high school and college near the top of his class. He simply decided his only interest in life was playing video games, so he tried to become a video game tester (no good - they want people closer to TG's age and younger, lol). One day he just woke up and realized that wouldn't work, so he went to law school (probably just because I did, but you never know).

The military can actually do a lot of good for many - it's unfortunate that your son has a medical condition. How about the Peace Corps? It's still an opportunity to travel and learn.

Do have him diagnosed though - I still think clinical depression is likely and can be addressed with meds.

[Lightwielder]

Well, my answer would be that the answer lies with God. I'm not sure how you would feel about this option, but remember that this isn't about you; it's about your son. He's 21 years old, and he is old enough to make his decision as to whether or not he wishes to follow God.

I believe that spiritual fulfillment is just as necessary as physical fulfillment. You don't have to sound like you are in support of such a choice, but at least tell him that it is an option. God changes lives, and God always loves him, regardless of his deeds, his "qualifications," or anything else. God's love is unconditional, and He can help your son realize that he is not lost or worthless. Better yet, give him a Bible to read and let him decide for himself.

As for employment and physical needs, there are also many organization that might be able to help. It's simply the matter of finding the right one. Unfortunately, I'm not sure about how things work in New Zealand, but the key is to never stop searching until a solution is found. Any job is worth doing, regardless of whether or not it's desirable.

Finally, medically. I'm not well-versed in medicine, nor am I aware of what ups or downs antidepressants provide, so in this regard, I'd recommend taking advice from someone more knowledgeable than I.

EDIT: I do apologize, Badstench. For some reason, I got the feeling you didn't believe in God. Maybe something you said that I misinterpreted...I can't remember. I looked over the "God Talk" topic, and realized that I was incorrect. I'm not sure how I made such a mistake, because it's not the sort of thing one forgets(and the God Talk topic wasn't that long ago), but mistakes happen to everyone, I suppose. My fault, sorry. My response still certainly stands.

[Doolipalally]

Badstench, I'm really sorry to hear about this. It's tough for you, it's tough for his mother, it's tough for your son. Please don't think of yourself as a failure. You're a big part of your son's life, yes, but you can never affect everything in his world.

Spencer and Texlaw have made good points about the need to address the issue of his possible depression. I have a friend who's going through the process of diagnosis and treatment for clinical depression at the moment. It's not easy, but if that condition is there it needs to be addressed.

It sounds like there are two things going on here. The big problem is that your son is unhappy. The second problem is that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life right now.

If it's the second problem that's causing his unhappiness, then that's what needs to be fixed. But it would be a shame if he felt that the only thing life has in store for him is a job and a mortgage. Mak's right: you've got to remember he's 21, and life feels different at that age. Plenty of 21-year-olds don't know what they should be doing with their lives. He needs to know it's not just him. He needs to know he doesn't have to commit to anything just now, that life can be explored, not just endured.

You talk a lot about his need to learn 'values'. This is a very personal opinion, but that's where I'd back off, in your shoes. Again, Mak's right - he's a man now. School's over. The more he's got family trying to make him learn things, trying to shape his life for him, the more he's going to feel that he's not being acknowledged as an adult, that all life has in store is a series of people telling him what he should be doing. Don't get me wrong - I really do appreciate that he has a very loving and caring family who are worried about him and are only doing their best to help. I just feel that he's only going to stop feeling that life is crap when he feels that he's in charge of his life, rather than life dragging him along.

It sounds to me as if what he needs most is friends. You mentioned that he spent a year off enjoying himself: what was he doing? Did he have a social group? Where are they now?

[Scarbrow]

Well I don't really have experience with sons, but my own depressed and unproductive 18-22 years aren't that far back, so I'll try an advice too.

First thing, don't think of yourself as a failure, Badstench. You've raised your son, you've tried your best, you've acted. He's a man, an adult, now. The responsibility for his life lies on himself, within himself. Yet I know it's very very hard for a father not to worry for his son, and let him fly on his own wings even if he seems to be about to crash. You have my sympathy, there are no easy answers on these matters.

Now, for the depression. It might (or might not) be clinical, as textlaw said. You can test for that quite quickly with professional aid. Clinical depression is well researched, is tested quickly and (sometimes) is also quickly controlled. Recovering isn't just a matter of medication, of course, but if that's the case you'll at least avoid the danger of him hurting himself. However, if it's not a clinical condition, you might also benefit from professional counseling. I'm supposing you have a good relationship with him, and he talks his problems with you, but maybe he feels hurt about some past experiences, and talking to a psychologist might help. It sure has helped me in the past to go through hard times.

But let's suppose it's not a depression. He just doesn't want to do anything. There's no motivation, no driving force in the world for him. I can recognize that situation, because I lived it. And what saved me was a pretty strong push from my mother. She threatened me to throw me out of home if I didn't finished the course I was receiving and find a job within the month. The menace woke me up and I got to work. Not only did I finish the course and found my first job (which also opened the job market on the mainframe niche for me) I also moved out of my parents' house and started to live my own life.

That was my experience. It's more or less in line with Mak's advice, and your own idea. I'd say let a mental health professional look at him, and if that doesn't offer a quick solution, send him to work with your family. Use your power to force him, if needed. I'll bet that the jolt of change will awake him too.

[Badstench]

There's actually a lot of really good advice among your posts, for which I thank everyone.

How it will turn out is anyone's guess, but I feel some responsibility as his father and parent to offer whatever help and encouragement I can give, and if he needs a leaning post to rest against, I'm prepared to be that post... until his weight might start to push the post over.

I whole-heartedly agree that, as an adult, he should show more responsibility and accountability for his own life, but I sometimes wonder if his 'state-of-mind' isn't the exact cause of him denying that self-responsibility. I actually think that, for a man nearing his 22nd year, he's mentally immature.

I am going to talk to his mother about his state of mind/ depression (if that's what it is).

Again, thanks for your kind words and advice

[Lightwielder]

There's actually a lot of really good advice among your posts, for which I thank everyone.

How it will turn out is anyone's guess, but I feel some responsibility as his father and parent to offer whatever help and encouragement I can give, and if he needs a leaning post to rest against, I'm prepared to be that post... until his weight might start to push the post over.

I whole-heartedly agree that, as an adult, he should show more responsibility and accountability for his own life, but I sometimes wonder if his 'state-of-mind' isn't the exact cause of him denying that self-responsibility. I actually think that, for a man nearing his 22nd year, he's mentally immature.

I am going to talk to his mother about his state of mind/ depression (if that's what it is).

Again, thanks for your kind words and advice

I once had a friend of mine who was thinking out loud, considering the ups and downs of legally mandating a "transition phase." A point in between the parents' house and full adulthood, living on your own. While legally MANDATING it would be incredibly extreme, something like that seems rather ideal. The whole "transition phase." A period in which they get a roommate or go to live with a friend, but sharing responsibility paying rent, maintaining the home, etc.

I know that a lot of people take that route anyway, until they can support their own living, but it's rather interesting to think about.

[texlaw1992]

The son of a friend of mine was getting too comfortable at home after he graduated from high school and was deciding whether or not to go to college. He came home one day to find his bags packed by the front door. He got the message - "ok mom, I'll get my own place" (lol).

[Badstench]

Despite my angling toward pushing my son to "discover himself", I decided on one penultimate interference.

I rang a friend who manages a vineyard and asked him if he had any opportunities. I must explain, that this is my very best friend, and he knew straight away that I would never ask him for a favour if it wasn't important.

The deal is this: My son can go to work for him without wages... like doing work experience. In lieu of wages, he will have an apartment on the vineyard and get three square meals a day. After the first week, he can decide whether working on a vineyard is the life for him, and my friend can ascertain whether he's suited to that kind of work.

If they see eye-to-eye, my friend will extend his contract to three months, with the same conditions applying.

If it still looks good after three months, he will hire my son as a wage-earning worker, but he will have to pay rent on the apartment.

This is good for my son, but worrying for me. I had to ask a huge favour from my friend for this opportunity, and now I have to hope my son will repay my friend's gratuity by doing well.

My friend will never stop being my friend, but I have asked my son to honour our friendship by doing his best, and doing well.

And I said at the beginning of this post that it was the "penultimate" interference. I have one more card up my sleeve, but this depends on how my son performs over the next week.

[Young Ned]

Interesting approach. Good luck!

[racey]

Near as I can tell Badstench you have done very well. You have put the ball in your sons court, so to speak, and it is up to him as to whether or not he picks it up and runs with it. I hope things go well for both of you!

[texlaw1992]

I had a friend in college who worked at a vineyard in San Francisco during high school. He liked nothing better than climbing onto the roof of the vineyard and watching the fog roll in at dawn.

[texlaw1992]

I found out today that Discount Tire Company (a national chain) will repair a tire free of charge, regardless of whether you buy anything else. Keep that in mind if you have a leak or flat tire in the future.

[Badstench]

From Texlaw:
I had a friend in college who worked at a vineyard in San Francisco during high school. He liked nothing better than climbing onto the roof of the vineyard and watching the fog roll in at dawn.
Your friend and I have something in common, except that I like nothing better than to visit the vineyard and watch the fog roll off my brain the next morning.

They make some damn good wine at that vineyard.

[Oldschool]

LOL Badstench....... :D

[Lightwielder]

LOL Badstench....... :D

Sounds like we're about to see him return to the Forum drunk again sometime soon.

[Scarbrow]

I hoped not to have to use the services on this thread, I really did. But I could really use some advice now.

As some of you already now, I was (and I stress the past time) almost-married. I've been in a relationship with Esther for more than seven and a half years, and we started to live together very soon, six months or so after we met, so I lived with her for almost seven full years. Not any longer. I left my home behind two months ago, and I'm living independently now.

I don't intent to give a full list of my marital problems: we had problems like every other couple in the world. Ours just kept growing and growing, and finally it came a time I couldn't bear it any more. It's final, it's definitive. It's also very sad. But at just 28 years old, I'm already passing through my first divorce.

And I'm saying "divorce" and meaning it. No matter we didn't really marry before the law. We lived together for seven years, we built our home together, we bought our flat together (a gorgeous seventh(and top)-floor flat, three bedrooms, big enough for a family, meant for the whole life, and with a ball-and-chain mortgage we won't finish paying until 2030). There is everything between us that is between a married couple, except (thank God) children. And now we have to undo all of that. And it's not going to be easy. It's not being easy, in fact.

For the moment, thanks God again, neither of us is in financial problems, or fighting about money. We both have jobs (hers is better than mine, BTW) so we're able to live separated. We luckily kept our bank accounts separated from the start. But I can't go on indefinitely by renting while she lives in our common house. And she's not even considering selling it. It's all a big heap of problems. Right now we're going through the process of dividing the common assets (the contents of the house, mostly).

Emotionally, I wouldn't say I'm devastated. I'm sad, hurt, and torn, of course. I'm also overworked from having to lead my own house (not to mention living with far less luxuries I used to), work, restore my social life, and still meet with her to keep on partitioning our goods. But at least I'm sure of what I want, and I'm sure I did the right thing. It still took me over six months of psychological therapy to make the decision, mind. But now I've done it, I also feel relieved, and even happy. I'm able to do many things I haven't been allowed to do for years. I lead my own life, and I'm proud of it. Even if I haven't got as much time as I wanted. By the way, that's the main reason I'm not able to spend much time online right now, besides my new work assignment won't allow me to use the Internet much, if at all.

So, what I really wanted is to vent it all out, but I would also appreciate your advice. Have any of you divorced before? How did you cope with solitude? How was it overall? Were you able to peacefully settle all matters with your ex-couple? All opinions welcome as well.

[Badstench]

Thanks Scarbrow, for sharing your insights on what can be a stressful time. When two people who have ‘shared’ time and space for a number of years go their separate ways, it is never easy.

I’ve never been married, but I have experienced two ‘meaningful’ relationships, one in which I lived blissfully happy with the other person for a number of years. When that ended, I can honestly say it was the darkest, most wounding time of my life.

The fact that the parting was mutually agreed upon didn’t make it any easier. We both recognised that our lives had changed since we’d first met. The first flush of love had given way to the comfort of familiarity… we had become friends who loved each other, but it was questionable whether we were actually ‘in love’.

I still think of her with fondness. Recently, we’ve caught up with each other over a café table (a few times). We never reminisce about the past… only talk about our current lives and situations; there are no indications of any romantic connections existing between us – they’ve gone.

But I realised the other day that, even though we’re still amicably acquainted, there’s a hole in the place that was a certain time in my life… and I miss her.

Examine that last sentence. It’s a paradox. However, it’s not actually her I miss… I miss the ‘memory of her’; the memory of the first flush of love.

My current status is: male, 45-years of age, single, one adult offspring living elsewhere.

My current state of mind is: quite happy and content, thank you very much – this despite my well-meaning relatives who try and convince me that I’d be happier if I had a girlfriend/ wife. There’s another set of friends and relatives who wistfully congratulate me on my independence.

I’m not going to say one way or another if my situation is any better or worse than theirs. It is what it is, and it’s right for me.

In the end, there's no advice from me to your current situation, Scarbrow. If you see anything helpful in the telling of my experience, I hope that's help enough.

[texlaw1992]

I feel for you Scarbrow, having gone through it myself. However, let me also comment from a legal perspective. I live in a state (Texas) whose family law is derived from Spanish law, so let me discuss a few issues with you. Please check with a lawyer in Spain to see if any of the points I raise are in fact issues of concern.

First, even though you say you did not have a ceremonial marriage, what you describe has many elements of a common-law marriage. It may be that the two of you are in fact married in the eyes of the law and will have to be divorced to truly "end" the relationship. It may be that Spain does not have common-law marriages any longer, and if so this may not be an issue.

Second, I'm fairly certain that the laws of Spain provide for community-property rights, meaning that everything the two of you earned could be considered joint property even if you maintained separate bank accounts and so forth. Since you're apparently entering into an amicable division of property, this too may not be an issue.

Third, I foresee a problem with the mortgage you have on the house, which I assume is in both your names. Even assuming you are not married and amicably separate, and you let her keep the house, that agreement is not binding on whichever bank holds your mortgage. In other words, even if you two agree that she's staying in the house and paying the mortgage, if she doesn't pay, you're still on the hook. It may be that you can reach a modification with your bank to take you off the mortgage (called a novation), but in this banking climate, I doubt it. Selling it (or her buying out your one-half interest) is probably the safest option.

Fourth, do not get involved in another relationship until the current situation is resolved. Aside from the fact that it's emotionally challenging, if you two are common-law married, she can assert adultery as grounds for a divorce (yes, adultery can arise before or after the separation as grounds for divorce).

Now, from an emotional perspective, I can attest from personal experience that time heals all wounds. One thing you should not do is spend a lot of time together during the separation - the more time you spend together, the longer it takes to heal. Obviously you should try to remain friends, but the more space you can give yourself, the quicker you'll recover emotionally. Also, as stated above, take a few months before you embark on another relationship - rebounds are the worst.

I hope the above helps and I strongly suggest you contact a Spanish attorney on the points I've raised. Buena suerte (good luck)!

[Doolipalally]

I hesitated to offer advice earlier as I've never been through a similar experience, but Texlaw's points about your joint ownership of the flat reminded me of the situation my brother found himself in a few years ago. Like you, he and his partner had been together for several years and had jointly purchased a flat. When they split up, it was an amicable break, but the negotiations about what to do with the flat were complicated, and made the process of breaking up much longer. If my brother had had a less easy-going personality it would have been potentially acrimonious, as he'd contributed much more to the deposit than she had, including borrowing money from relatives. As it was, there was a very long 'holding period' where they rented the flat out and discussed what to do with it. The fact that it dragged on for a long time meant that it was more difficult for them to move on with their lives.

I would strongly suggest that if she doesn't want to sell the flat she should buy you out, so that you're no longer under any joint financial obligation.

Other than that, you have my sympathy, but it does sound like you made the right decision, because you're feeling a sense of relief. Adjusting to living alone is not going to be easy, but if you feel in control of your life then you're in the right place to make that adjustment.

Best of luck and good wishes!

[scout1idf]

I really can say no more than good luck and I hope everything works out for the best. Going through life unhappy is no way to live.

[Elrond]

Scarbrow, I hope that this unfolds as best as can be for both of you. And with lack of knowledge of details on my part established, and your independence and freedom a right, here is an opinion for you to consider or discard ....

- You and Esther lived together for 7 years. You faced problems and solved them. But it seems that some unsolved problems grew and festered till they broke your marriage.
- Let me guess and say that the 7 years included many, many times of happiness and contentment. And there is a special bond between you that is very hard to forget or break, even after "divorce."

In brief, take a deep breath, take a step back and think thoroughly about the situation. If both of you are adamant that it will not be possible to continue; then so be it. But if you feel that there is a chance for this to continue with compromise from both of you; then by all means exert the effort.

No doubt that "Scarbrow" and "Esther" who entered the relationship 7 years ago are not the same. And so, the parameters and common denominators for the relationship have changed. The relationship evolves and so do the commitments, responsibilities, and "ground rules!" So, you may just need to upgrade your relationship package to the 2010 version, not the 2003 version.

Sorry if some of the above is total nonsense; But I hope that at least some parts are worth considering.

All the best,

[Young Ned]

Scarbrow, you have my heartfelt sympathy; I've been through some of what you're going through. My first wife and I were together nine years before we agreed to split up, and it was another year or two until I got off my butt and took care of the divorce paperwork. The divorce was very amicable and we're still friends, but it was still a difficult time for me emotionally. I had already been in therapy for depression for a few years before we split, and that got noticeably worse; I never ever considered suicide -- I'm not that kind of depressed -- but I did some very stupid and self-destructive things after I moved out, and consider myself extremely lucky to have survived those things as well as I did.

Financially, our situation was dirt-simple, much easier than yours -- we had never bought a house, flat, or condo, so we were just renting an apartment. We didn't even have a car. I let her keep the apartment -- most of the furniture was hers, anyway. We divided our savings in half, I took my books and my one piece of furniture (a bookcase, of course :)), and that was that. And because neither of us was contesting the divorce, I simply got the "How to Do Your Own Divorce" book from Nolo Press (http://www.nolo.com/), downloaded some forms from their website, and handled all the paperwork myself, so it didn't cost anything but filing fees, postage, and the price of the book.

I was going to suggest that Esther buy out your half of the flat, for precisely the reasons that Texlaw and Dooli mentioned, but they beat me to it so I don't have to. Texlaw also raised several other excellent questions, and I agree that you should consult a lawyer ASAP. You mentioned psychotherapy, and I would strongly advise you to continue that therapy while you're dealing with the aftermath of this divorce, as it will be invaluable in helping you learn to deal with the emotional side of it.

Apart from all that, all I can say is hang in there, buddy. It's going to be hard for a while, but it does get better. Stay connected with your friends and family and they'll help you through a lot of it. Take care.

[Badstench]

Anyway... I checked my Facebook account tonight, and I was connected for two minutes when a private message popped up from the one woman who I never wanted to hear from... the woman who was the love of my life.

And she said... "Is that really you?"

Perhaps I should move this to the "asking for help" thread, because, right now, I'm in turmoil.

To cut a long story short, she wants to meet me for a coffee/ chat/ catch up, but I don't know if I could handle it.

I'm a single man because I choose to be. I'm happy with my life. I'm content. If anyone could screw that up, it would be her, and now she's back.

I'm usually in total control of my life, but this has thrown me a curve ball.

I don't know what to do.

[Elrond]

Anyway... I checked my Facebook account tonight, and I was connected for two minutes when a private message popped up from the one woman who I never wanted to hear from... the woman who was the love of my life.

And she said... "Is that really you?"

Perhaps I should move this to the "asking for help" thread, because, right now, I'm in turmoil.

To cut a long story short, she wants to meet me for a coffee/ chat/ catch up, but I don't know if I could handle it.

I'm a single man because I choose to be. I'm happy with my life. I'm content. If anyone could screw that up, it would be her, and now she's back.

I'm usually in total control of my life, but this has thrown me a curve ball.

I don't know what to do.

Order Turkish coffee ;)

[Scarbrow]

@Badstench.
Thanks for the support and example. Also, I thought your last post would be better here, since you preemptively mentioned her when answering to my worries. The other one of your "meaningful" relationships, I guess.

My ex-almost-wife has been (so far) my only meaningful relationship. At least, it has been so by being longest one, although other women have also had some influence in shaping my life, however short those relationships were. However, what I wanted to tell you is that I can relate a lot right now... Esther is trying to seduce me again. And by "seduce" I mean recovering our relationship, stop me from being apart. The physical seduction, I must confess, is already done, and was laughably easy for her. Flesh is weak, mine doubly so. I'm now doubly relieved that I took up a lover during this time. I'm not ready nor willing to go into another relationship yet, with anybody, and that includes going back to my previous one. But should I've been deprived of, if not love, at least some physical and sentimental comfort, I would have been easy prey to my cunning and knowledgeable ex. And even with that, it didn't felt right. It shouldn't be, being with somebody and wishing you weren't. And I'm still practically "forced" to spend some more time with her, as we keep separating our worldly possessions.

So I'm not precisely the best person to give advice about love, conquest and old love interests coming back, but I think you should weigh how does she make you feel. That turmoil, the ability to change your life, would it be bad? I know that I would go there and try. If you don't feel good about it, then you can remember you're happy with being single, and you can be content without her company. But if it turns out to be a good feeling, even if it takes your day-to day world upside down, welcome it. Experience tells me I usually regret a lot more the missed opportunities than the bad experiences.

@texlaw1992
Thank for the information on common-law marriage. While I'm almost sure there's no such thing here, I'll contact a specialist once I manage some time for it. I already had a talk with a lawyer, a couple of months ago, about some financial facts and expected problems with the flat, and he didn't mention anything of the sort, but I'll make sure with a specialist. Selling the house is my wish, but I'm having a hard time trying to persuade her to it. I try to see her once a week (and just for a few hours) so the separation process does not stall, while allowing distance to work its healing process. About not falling into another relationship, I've already mentioned my new lover. Though there is a mutual agreement on that not leading to anything serious (it's rather a pleasurable, sporadic meeting), I foresee problems there too. But that's another story, and for the moment I'm grateful for that support. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

@Doolipalally
I find myself in a situation quite similar to your brother's, yes. I'm trying to not let it drag for too long, but I also reckon it will take some time. And I hope to be as easy-going as I'll need to be, cause this will be hard enough without more sparks flying. So far I've managed to avoid having even a short row with her: all nice and assertive. It's being a pain, but I can bear it. I hope I'll be able to take it gently all the way.

@scout1idf
Thank you for your good wishes. So far, luck is smiling upon me.

@Elrond
Good points indeed, but I've already done that. I'm a very cautious man when it comes to important decisions. I thought this though many times, I had plans, reevaluated the situation in every possible light, tried to mend and fix and even dragged her to couple therapy. If I'm so sure now about our relationship being unsalvable is because I've already tried hard to salvage as much as I could. During a long time.

@Young Ned
For the moment, aside from smallish rapts of bachelor-ism (like "forgetting" a few meals and staying up till high hours) I can say I'm managing pretty well. My home is well-attended and also myself. I'm lucky I learned to be independent. Only lacking a little bit on cooking skills, and I'm taking a crash course in that as I move on. And yes, psychotherapy, both before and during this time, has helped me immensely. Unfortunately, I don't think she will be able to buy my half of the flat (she's a woman alone, after all, and we were - and still are - both supporting it before). But I'm confident I'll finally settle it. And I can hope it will be peacefully.

Thank you all for your kind words. It's been a hard, long week, but I hope I'll be able to spend a little more time here the next one.

[texlaw1992]

Since I get such messages from time to time (although not over Facebook, which I don't use), here's a simple tip:

Don't respond unless you're interested in seeing the person.

Eventually they'll take the hint and won't bother you again.

[Young Ned]

Mmm, that's a tough one, Badstench. I've never been in a similar situation, so I have no experience to back up my advice. I like Scarbrow's advice, though. I have heard from many others, as well as finding out through my own experience, that you generally regret the things you didn't do a lot more than the things you did.

If you feel strongly that having coffee with her would really mess you up emotionally, though, then perhaps seeing her would not be a good idea. Although if it does, then perhaps your contentment is not as stable or firm as you thought it was? That might be worth knowing, because if it isn't then you can find out why not and do something about it.

So, yeah, it's pretty hard to say what's best for you. I guess if you have a really bad feeling about seeing her again, you should probably listen to that and not do it. But if you think there's a good chance she just wants to say hi and chat a bit, without trying to get back together with you, then you might want to try it so you can see for yourself it wasn't as bad as you feared.

Bleah, I'm dithering again. Long story short: consider all the possible outcomes, good and bad, and then go with your gut feelings.

[texlaw1992]

I haven't been as actively posting the last few days as I had a total failure of my air conditioning system (compressor) Sunday night. This follows last month's flood when the toilet in the guest bathroom cracked. Sigh, I just can't win.

It won't be until Friday at the earliest before they can install a new system. While it is late October, it's still uncomfortable in the afternoon and early evening here in the Houston area. Fortunately things will cool off starting Wednesday night, so after that things should be bearable.

If I can find a silver lining, it's that without a complete failure of the compressor, I'd have to pay a bunch of EPA fees out of pocket to replace a leaky evaporator coil and so forth. With the complete failure of the system, my home warranty company has to pick up nearly all the expense. It's better to pay the $55.00 service charge and some fees than $8,000+ for a new system.

Anyway, hopefully things will be up and running before Halloween so I can take Jade (the step-grandbaby) for trick or treating. We did buy her the costume she wanted last week and I know she's looking forward to it. Then I can say "Mmm, Jade's candy looks good" and she can say "no, Jade's candy" (lol).

Edit: The people are here to install the new system. Through Wednesday night it was a tad unpleasant, but needed to crawl under the covers by Thursday morning. Hopefully this will be the end of the a/c repairs for now.

[Badstench]

as a continuation of my last posted "problem"...

As I type this, it's 8.50am, Saturday. I have a brunch date with the past. It's her birthday on November 2, a fact I remember because it was the same date I met her many years ago.

So, I've decided to meet with her and see what happens. This decision was not a 'bolt-out-of-the-blue'. I have been considering it after reading the advice offered from my forum friends... so much so that I went shopping for a birthday present two days ago.

What is a 'proper' amount of money to spend in this situation? I spent NZ$65.

I'm kinda nervous... brunch in 1 hour.

And I remembered a poem I wrote... and I dug it out of my box of memories. there's a date at the bottom of the page - February 14 (Valentines day, for God's sake!) 1999.

The poem goes like this:

A CALENDAR STORY
Day zero was the day I met you,
And I can place a ring around the exact date on my calendar.
What a funny sort of day that was, when even the rain
Developed a sense of humour.

I can remember that day clearly, because
It happened to fall on the same date as her birthday,
And the same date that I experienced 'falling in love'.
Isn't that the damnedest thing?

So, there is a reason to wonder...
And conject on the nature of Fate's funny bone;
That the rain should fall on a summers day,
After clear skies were forecast.

Actually, If I examine the moment we met,
the coincidences surrounding our meeting,
Start to read like a gigantic cosmic conspiracy.
Does God laugh on His day off?

I can put another ring around my own birth date,
And remember the gift she gave me that day - a watch.
The irony being that I'm watching it now,
Ticking away the minutes till we meet again.

So, I'm going to ask this question one more time,
And maybe it lies in the future to discover,
Or on the wings of trepidation...
Does God laugh on His day off?

[texlaw1992]

I hope it goes well. The exes who've tried to contact me were not any I cared to see again. Maybe second time's the charm.

[Scarbrow]

I hope you've been lucky, Badstench. As I write here from the past (it's Friday night 1 AM still around here) I hope you'll receive my best wishes in the future (Saturday Morning).

Oh, is the future now? Then I hope you're having a really good time. :D

[Elrond]

as a continuation of my last posted "problem"...

As I type this, it's 8.50am, Saturday. I have a brunch date with the past. It's her birthday on November 2, a fact I remember because it was the same date I met her many years ago.

So, I've decided to meet with her and see what happens. This decision was not a 'bolt-out-of-the-blue'. I have been considering it after reading the advice offered from my forum friends... so much so that I went shopping for a birthday present two days ago.

What is a 'proper' amount of money to spend in this situation? I spent NZ$65.

I'm kinda nervous... brunch in 1 hour.

And I remembered a poem I wrote... and I dug it out of my box of memories. there's a date at the bottom of the page - February 14 (Valentines day, for God's sake!) 1999.

The poem goes like this:

A CALENDAR STORY
Day zero was the day I met you,
And I can place a ring around the exact date on my calendar.
What a funny sort of day that was, when even the rain
Developed a sense of humour.

I can remember that day clearly, because
It happened to fall on the same date as her birthday,
And the same date that I experienced 'falling in love'.
Isn't that the damnedest thing?

So, there is a reason to wonder...
And conject on the nature of Fate's funny bone;
That the rain should fall on a summers day,
After clear skies were forecast.

Actually, If I examine the moment we met,
the coincidences surrounding our meeting,
Start to read like a gigantic cosmic conspiracy.
Does God laugh on His day off?

I can put another ring around my own birth date,
And remember the gift she gave me that day - a watch.
The irony being that I'm watching it now,
Ticking away the minutes till we meet again.

So, I'm going to ask this question one more time,
And maybe it lies in the future to discover,
Or on the wings of trepidation...
Does God laugh on His day off?

Badstench, life is too short; might as well enjoy it with someone you love or care about. I hope all goes well on Nov. 2! Good luck and best wishes!

[Badstench]

It's now a little after midday my time. The sun picked today to hide behind clouds, but that didn't matter...

It didn't matter because I didn't notice anything for two hours other than the pleasant company. My previous angst was unwarranted. We were just two friends catching up over a pot of English tea (hers) and a bowl of latte (mine).

It was a good morning.

Thanks for your advice and interest. Now I have to decide whether to act on her invitation to join her for birthday drinkies on Tuesday night.

i am my own soap opera.

[Scarbrow]

i am my own soap opera.

I feel that way too often lately. Not in a bad sense at all... at least it keeps me and those around me entertained :p

[texlaw1992]

I just found out yesterday that one of my best friends was in a car accident last week (apparently her fault) and just got out of the hospital. She had no broken bones, but was around two months pregnant and unfortunately lost the baby. She's really upset about it, and it'll take a while to get over that kind of loss. What's worse is that the husband is blaming her, not appreciating that it was a miracle she wasn't more severely injured.

She was where she was when she had the accident because she was driving to the post office to mail something to me. She did that directly after we had a telephone conversation about it.

What do you think, do I bear some sort of moral responsibility for her situation? Nobody's blaming me, least of all her, but I feel badly anyway.

[Young Ned]

While it's certainly unfortunate, and I'm very sorry for her loss of the baby (and sorrier that her husband is blaming her), I don't see how you could bear any of the responsibility for it. If you had asked her to do something unusually risky, like driving a truck full of explosives on a narrow mountain road, then you would have some responsibility if she got hurt doing it. But you didn't ask her to do anything particularly dangerous; you just asked her to mail you a package from the post office, which is not generally considered risky unless the post office is in Baghdad...

Basically, if she could get into an accident driving to the post office, she could have gotten into an accident driving to the grocery store, or the dentist's office, or her children's school. Would her children bear any responsibility if she got into an accident on her way to pick them up at school? Of course not, and neither do you. Hundreds of auto accidents occur every day; she just got unlucky this time. If you feel as if you should do something, send her some flowers with a card expressing sympathy for her and her husband's loss.

[texlaw1992]

Basically it's just an unforeseeable event, and I agree that it could have happened no matter what she was doing. The timing's still so unfortunate.

Just to clarify, I hadn't asked her to mail anything - she just said she'd forgotten to send me something and was going to run to the post office to send it right away.

I'm giving her a very friendly ear to help her work through things. Flowers are a nice idea, but impractical in this situation (let's just say the husband is very jealous and leave it at that). I appreciate your insight Ned.

[Elrond]

Basically it's just an unforeseeable event, and I agree that it could have happened no matter what she was doing. The timing's still so unfortunate.

Just to clarify, I hadn't asked her to mail anything - she just said she'd forgotten to send me something and was going to run to the post office to send it right away.

I'm giving her a very friendly ear to help her work through things. Flowers are a nice idea, but impractical in this situation (let's just say the husband is very jealous and leave it at that). I appreciate your insight Ned.

- Just wondering, what kind/model vehicle was she driving? And have any mechanics tinkered with it lately?

- How many children does that lady have? And how long has she been married to "jealous husband?"

- Has anyone other that "jealous husband" been involved with the lady recently (not necessarily sexually)?

- Was the lady on any kind of medication? And how was early pregnancy affecting her health?

Too many variables involved to focus this on a phone call between Tex and said lady.

[Scarbrow]

What do you think, do I bear some sort of moral responsibility for her situation? Nobody's blaming me, least of all her, but I feel badly anyway.

Sorry for hearing about your friend's loss. But answering directly to your question: Does correlation imply causality?

She took the decision to drive (run? Does that imply speed?) to the post office. Then she had an accident on route. Where did you intervene?

[texlaw1992]

She has a habit of taking her eyes off the road from time to time. This time apparently, when she did so to get something on the passenger seat, she must have drifted slightly into the opposite lane and got sideswiped. She wound up in a ditch on her side of the road, fortunately with no broken bones, unfortunately without the baby (who was her husband's, by the way).

The jealousy I mentioned is directed specifically at me, which is why I wouldn't send flowers as a condolence (he'd take it the wrong way). Time will heal their wounds (they have two other children under the age of 2 together), and hopefully move them past it. I guess I need to do the same.

[Badstench]

I've been away for four days... attended a family gathering (a wedding) and caught up with my son and my best friend (the guy who manages a vineyard).

I purposefully left my laptop at home. I arrived home happy to find my apartment hadn't burned down in my absence and nor had I been burgled.

I've unpacked my bags, opened a bottle of wine, and am about to regale you with the latest episode in the soap opera that is "The Days of Badstench's Life".

I return to work tomorrow with a decision to take to my boss.

Three days before I flew away, my boss called a meeting of all staff and announced that the company was asking for 8 voluntary redundancies. I dismissed the news immediately, realising that the request was aimed squarely at a department that isn't mine - that department is top-heavy with staff due to recent restructuring.

But the day before I flew away, I approached my boss to let him know that I had been thinking about accepting the offer.

I've worked with the company for a few months shy of 10 years and have reached the highest level I can attain with my current education and skill-set.

I know my job and the tasks inherent of my position forwards, backwards and blindfolded. I am a divisional manager for a logistic company in the Healthcare sector, which is a fancy way of saying I look after a department in a warehouse that supplies medical equipment to hospitals, doctor's surgeries, dental clinics, pharmacies, etc.

I earn a wage that offers me a comfortable existence. I'll never get rich from it, but the weekly pay check is a form of security in these turbulent economic times.

I'll turn 46 in a couple of weeks.

If my expression of interest to accept voluntary redundancy is accepted, I can expect to walk away with approximately NZ$30,000 before tax... maybe $20,000 after tax and paying off all debt. I can survive on that amount of money for about 7-9 months depending on my frugality.

Those are the facts.

During my sojourn away, I spent a considerable amount of time weighing the pros and cons of any decision I reach, to the point where I am 95% inclined to continue with the redundancy offer.

The 95% choice was arrived at from emotional responses:
1) I cannot go any further in the company short of committing myself to a higher education.
2) In the meantime, I know that I'm bored shitless doing what I'm doing. I'm actually more afraid of staying in a job that no longer offers me satisfaction than I am of staying for the simple fact of financial security... the thought of waking up to spend every future day going-through-the-motions unsatisfied and unfulfilled really frightens me. Life should be more than that!
3) I'm generally a positive person and think highly enough of myself to believe that I am 'employable'; I possess a good work ethic and am reliable, and I have good people/communication skills.
4) I desperately believe that 7-9 months is enough time to get myself set on a path that will enhance my life.

The 5% part of the decision that will have me keep the status quo is derived from fear:
1) Fear of the uncertain and the unknown.
2) Fear of not earning a weekly pay check and what that will mean to me in the short-term.

If you've read this far, good onya... and thanks. It's all a bit self-serving and indulgent, I know, but the next bit is where I'm going to ask for your thoughts on where my aspirations truly lie, and why they lie there.

*

I love to write stories, as you have been privy to within the posts of this forum.

I have had minor works published, but nothing so grand as a complete novel.

I'm quite good at writing and have been gratified by many of your comments to my endeavours in this forum.

I recognise that my writing ability needs 'polishing' in some areas.

I am full of ideas.

The last series of "Questions to the GM" threw me a curve ball when he said:
As Sryth is a copyrighted and trademarked work, I’m not able to allow outside publication of materials related to it -- materials that use the world, its name, etc -- as I’m obligated to maintain the integrity of the copyrighted material.
...which disqualifies my story about The Judges and the Table of Eight as set in Sryth.

This doesn't mean I couldn't use the same plot in a world of my own making but, to be honest, the wind was taken out of my sails enough to disillusion the whole thing.

This is not necessarily a bad thing - Dooli once opined her surprise that I was expending so much effort and energy on a story that wasn't completely my own. That was actually a very good observation that set me to thinking.

You were right Dooli, you clever thing, you!

I need to start another post before this one goes over the 10,000 word limit....please bear with me.

Hell, you've got this far!

[Badstench]

From the GM's response, that doesn't preclude the dispensing of character names invented by Players, especially if they are transposed to a unique world. Likewise, the basic plot could easily be modified.

It's the nuts'n'bolts that have to be changed, and with that in mind, I'd like to share with you my idea that could see the Table of Eight transposed to a different guise.

The Adventurers collective will exist under a different name and entity... no longer a bar within a guildhouse, but a consortium of adventurers in a new world who have 'invested' their ill-gotten gains in a business... an investment.

This group of adventurers establishes a shop in a major city (Zedir). The sign which hangs above the door to the shop advertises itself as:

EVERYTHING
(If we ain't got it, we'll get it)

You might imagine a shop like Tallys's trading post, except it also deals in curiosities, memorabilia, oddities, rarities both mundane and magical, and pots'n'pans... "Need something for your upcoming adventure? Source it here from the people who know about adventuring!"

Of course, this shop and it's wares, and the promise of what it can deliver, is the source of many stories... and the source of adventures for the people who own it.

*****

The geography of my world is already done... the political scene is already set... much of the flora and fauna is unique and different to Sryth.

All I have to do is write the stories.

What do you think?

And if you like the sound of it, do you want to be involved? I mean, would you like your Sryth characters to be involved?

That's my question to you... but there is a downside to it.

******

The downside is... all stories presented in this and the old forum written by me will be deleted. I have most everything saved to my files.

I will have to approach this professionally... meaning I will have to give myself the title of "responsible writer".

This will mean using the next 7-9 months to concentrate on the 'novel' responsibly - by setting myself a working regimen and with a goal in mind.... to get it published.

Which means taking my voluntary redundancy pay-out and using it on a belief that I am as good as I think I am.

It might work, it might not.

The success, or otherwise, of this endeavour will only be determined by my determination and studious application.

But it's what I want to do. I don't want to wake up in 10 years time still working in a job I'm unstaisfied with and wondering "what if?"

*****

Tomorrow, I will be sitting opposite my boss with a declaration, and I'm 95% sure I'll take the money and start my new life... as an unemployed writer!

[scout1idf]

I can not and will not offer any real advice to you.

All I can say is, the thought of leaving a stable job now days, no matter how bored and unsatisfied you are with it, is in my opinion very risky and extremely scary.

You do have the ability and passion to be a writer and that is a major plus for your future employment and life fulfillment.

I will say this to you, Good Luck in what ever you choose to do. I hope that everything works out for the best!!!!!

[texlaw1992]

Best of luck with your novel, whether or not you stay in your current job.

There's been a recent commercial playing in Texas about one of those trade colleges. It has a woman working in a restaurant, singing happy happy birthday, and complaining about how she's stagnated. So she looks around for another job for which she's qualified, and the only one she can get is in a different restaurant doing the same thing. Then she goes back to school and improves herself.

There's really little long-term purpose in staying in a job you hate just for a paycheck: what does it profit a man to own the world and lose his own soul? Still, the economics being what they are, there's something to be said for weathering the current economic situation.

I think you should consider furthering your education. If your current job will pay for you to attend such classes, then you might want to stay there and take advantage of the opportunity. If not, then if you take the buyout (which I assume is what you call redundancy), you should still consider furthering your education during your downtime. Hopefully then you can wind up with a career rather than just a job.

[Badstench]

Ignore my last rant... the whole thing is moot.

After approaching my boss with the intention to accept redundancy, he laughed and said, "I'm trying to get rid of the dead-weight, not my most valued team-members. Application not accepted."

I'm not disappointed or annoyed. There's a part of me (the frightened part) that's even relieved.

It's business as usual.

[Oldschool]

Well maybe real life's hand of fate interevened Badstench. And that's a nice testimonial from your boss.

Perhaps you could change some other stuff to give you more time or a new "perspective" for your writing. I'm no critic but like many of our members I'm well read in the fantasy/sci-fi genres. Point being you have obvious skills and talent.

I'm glad to hear you want to further your writing along. And what makes a successful author - published or not? To me it's an entertained audience - which you definitely have.

[Elrond]

Badstench, my friend, you're going nuts! And it is good that your boss made the right decision. I am pretty sure you can manage your time to work, write, and live your life. The only good thing I foresee of you being an unemployed writer is parallel to poor painters. Their inheritors get rich; but they die poor. But if you pull a "Harry Potter," then go for it, by all means.

[Scarbrow]

This is just my opinion, Badstench. It's what I would do. Bear in mind I'm younger than you, and in a lower job position, but even with that, it wouldn't cross my mind to leave my stable source of wealth without having a solid (or at least, mildly solid) support, so that if my entrepreneurial adventure went wrong, I wouldn't starve. Remember that our example, the GM, who took an online game as his full-time job, had support from his wife and an established, loyal customer base he only had to expand. If you were to risk it all on a novel, do you have any security about its success/backup plan to recover from the disaster, in case it does not succeed?

Now, what I would do:

Start saving to make a comfortable reserve for your plans. Aim to have at least double the amount you think you'll need.
Start writing now. Oh, that's right. You've already started. Well done.
Keep writing while you keep your job. If you can't keep for a couple hours a day during a couple of months of solid writing and furthering a story that way, it's very probable you wouldn't do better as a full-time endeavor
Consider if you aren't already gaining satisfaction from your writings. So you're earning money from a job you're able to do, and you're having fun writing what you want. What is the problem? Nobody said everything we must do with our lives has to be fun.


Again, just my two cents, to be taken with a pinch (or two) of salt, etc.

And one more thing: this is a very long shot and maybe not applicable because you want to be the recognized author, etc, but have you considered publishing your works with the GM, that is, a joint Kori Mitchell/Matthew Yarrows enterprise? After all, your story is based in Sryth (which he wrote) but contains original material you wrote, so at least for a layman like me that sounds workable.

[Badstench]

From Elrond:
Badstench, my friend, you're going nuts!
I think you mean, "Even more nuts!" :p

From Scarbrow:
have you considered publishing your works with the GM, that is, a joint Kori Mitchell/Matthew Yarrows enterprise?
Yes I have... it was actually my original plan with the Table of Eight stories. I wouldn't durst try and publish someone else's hard work without their permission or inclusion.

Cheers all who voiced opinions and advice.

[Elrond]

Cheers all who voiced opinions and advice.

You're most welcome :p

[spencer]

Sorry for my tardy response, Badstench. I very much enjoy reading what you write, including your poetry. I would just concur with what most of us have said, i.e. DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!! I don't say this with the normal implication that you don't have the talent to pursue other endeavors, so stick to what you're doing. It was meant as a tongue in cheek remark that, if you are able, to keep earning a steady income and write as well, then I think that is the best plan forward. If your life is unfulfilling with your current amount of time energy devoted to your writing, then that might be something to think very hard about. And that, good sir, is my opinion.

[Scarbrow]

This is not a plea for help as much as a much-needed release.

I'm currently at work and I've been the closest ever to hitting a coworker. I have had close calls in the past with specially obnoxious people, but this time, if the first blow had been released, I wouldn't have limited myself to hitting with the flat of the blade, if you get my meaning. That man is driving me crazy. Is loud, rude, bigoted, problematic, and to top it all, one of the bosses. Not my direct boss, but where I work, there are several groups working together, and he is one of the bosses on the other groups.

I've been trying to avoid it. I've resorted to humor, and when it wasn't enough, I was even desperate enough to try the "ignore" tactic. I should have known better. Bullys like that cannot be appeased by such. So I finally stood up to him. I regret to say it wasn't the most measured of my answers. You're used to know me here, when I'm calm and polite (or at least I try to). But when he touch me to grab my attention (since I was studiously ignoring him, eyes away, I was even wearing ear plugs in order to avoid his annoying booming voice), as I say, he dared to touch me. And I simply couldn't stand it any more. I took off my ear plugs, and then my glasses. Anybody knowing me would have started to back off at that point, since that's the main sign I'm preparing for combat, but he didn't know. And I threatened to break his face if he ever dared touch me again.

He reared and threatened back. He offered me to go out and kill me (boasting as ever, since he's a fat aging man, double my age). I managed to resist the provocation without effort, at least. I may have exploded, but I'm not so stupid as to start a physical fight on the company's premises. He later apologized, and finally left. I was relieved the confrontation was over, although understandably quite nervous from it.

Well... what can I say. I've spoken already twice with my direct boss in the hour since the confrontation. My job might be at stake, but don't worry, I'm pretty tired of this job anyway, and I was just holding out until I finished my divorce before starting to look for a new one. Don't worry, really. Really really. He had to be stopped somehow. Maybe, with any luck, too many people will have seen this and my boss won't be able to hush this (even if he wants to, because the annoying jerk has been his coworker for more than ten years). So maybe his bosses will know. Maybe, even, they will do something about this man. He's got personal problems, I know. But coming to work drunk, insulting coworkers and such is more than just a nuisance, that's a problem. And if it takes me to be labeled "problematic" to upgrade his "problematic" status to "we need to get rid of this problem", then I'll be happy, if only because of the grief I'll be saving to the rest of the people. Don't make me start about his direct subordinates and the level of harassment/humiliation they endure from him. I'm not really proud: I should have had the maturity to handle this better, and be able to confront him without threatening him. But I feel justified, if a little guilty and embarrassed for the show.

Thanks for hearing me out.

[Elrond]

When "legendary diplomacy" fails (it isn't supposed to; but that's a different story); then "legendary unarmed combat" would be a viable alternative ;) . I won't go into the specifics since it takes much more information to state an opinion; but the general rule is that everyone has to draw a line in the sand when someone oversteps their boundaries! And from the few details in the post, I wouldn't be surprised if everyone knew that the other guy was the jerk. Acting on that knowledge might be a different matter. Good luck, Scarbrow!

[Oldschool]

Well put response Elrond. I agree with Elrond Scarbrow in that sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And it does sound like most, if not all, of the folks there probably know what type of person, supervisor and subordinate that he is.

Again like Elrond, whether they want to do something about it is another matter. But considering he apologized it sounds as even he knows and admits he was wrong, over the line, etc...

Plus I'm guessing most of the folks there whatever their rank/level probably have wanted to do the same and are probably saying at least to themselves and in "secret" to their fellow subordinates/supervisors something(s) along the line of; I don't blame him (meaning you), Whaddya expect, It's about time, etc..

It's a shame the folks directly under him haven't dealt with the issue by forcing it as a group nor that the folks equal to him have addressed it if nothing other for the sake of improving/maintaining a good work atmosphere. Not to mention his bosses.

Hopefully the facts that his reputation precedes him, that folks there will be empathetic with your situation, that they (particularly the supervisors) know he/his issues should have been addressed before something like this happened not to mention their own shame/guilt/culpability over not handling the situation before it culminated in a logically expected (and potentially less then could have been) outcome such as this will play in your favor.

They should.

Good luck.

[texlaw1992]

In the US, what you describe would be considered a "hostile work environment." You can file a written complaint with your state employment agency or the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (in certain cases) and are legally protected from retaliation / firing while your complaint is pending.

I don't know what the laws are in Spain with respect to employment, but I'm inclined to think a similar procedure exists for whatever the equivalent governmental agency is. Check it out and get a complaint application online, then give serious thought to filing it as long as Spanish law similarly protects you from retaliation.

It sounds to me that the longer your company has refused to do anything about this guy, the more culpable and exposed they are to any lawsuit.

[Scarbrow]

In the US, what you describe would be considered a "hostile work environment." You can file a written complaint with your state employment agency or the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (in certain cases) and are legally protected from retaliation / firing while your complaint is pending.

I don't know what the laws are in Spain with respect to employment, but I'm inclined to think a similar procedure exists for whatever the equivalent governmental agency is. Check it out and get a complaint application online, then give serious thought to filing it as long as Spanish law similarly protects you from retaliation.

It sounds to me that the longer your company has refused to do anything about this guy, the more culpable and exposed they are to any lawsuit.

Well, Tex, you hit the nail straight in the head. It's hostile alright. And this guy is not the worst of it. Can you believe the boss (the immediate boss of this guy, and also of the superior I have been talking to) is so feared that the conversations that require some degree of privacy are held in the bathroom instead of his office (even when it's empty). Nobody wants to enter there: you usually just enter that office to get fired. And they have known about this guy's problems for a long, long time. It's a difficult situation. Firing him would be really expensive, since he has been working there for many years. The most probable outcome will be early retirement. He's expecting it, he's more than eager. The only question is when.

I'm quite sure the Spanish law would protect me, but I really don't fear retaliation. It's been just four months, but I'm already sick of the place as if I had been there for years. A man can't lower his head indefinitely: some times you have to raise it and remember you have pride. Being fired could even be a disguised blessing: unemployment benefits (I have the full two years) and getting rid of this company. Plus there is at least a company (one of my previous employers) that will welcome me with open arms if I call them. I'm even considering a career change: I'd like to try to become a full-time programmer, more involved with development instead of system administration. I could even become an entrepreneur. After my life has been shocked so deeply, from its foundation, I feel able to do almost anything. Who knows? I suppose I'll find out what happens next week, for better or for worse.

Thank you for your support. It's been a long day and an even longer night (I even had time to have a phone row with my ex-wife the previous evening). I'm going to bed now. It's 9:30 AM around here, folks, and on six-seven hours (more or less) I have to get up for my ballroom dancing classes. And then another long night. I'll be very glad when this crazy period of my life is over.

[Lightwielder]

Well, one thing to commend you for is that despite how badly you wanted to hit him, you didn't. You maintained the level-headedness to hold yourself back. This is important, and it served you well.

[Doolipalally]

Scarbrow, I hope you're asleep rather than reading this right now, but I just wanted to add my support. I used to have a bully for a manager - not physically violent or openly abusive, but a woman whose insecurity manifested itself in belittling her staff, blocking creativity, obstructing chances for development, and generally making people feel like they were worthless. She reduced people to tears on more than one occasion. I wish I'd stood up to her as you did - instead, I just left.

Whatever form bullying takes, it has to be opposed. I hope the fact that you've brought the issue out into the open forces someone to deal with it.

[Tetracapillactomist]

Seems like you're going through some cathartic changes, Scarbrow, and while that may be traumatizing at times, it is by no means always a negative thing to experience; for one thing, it often results in new-found freedom, a major sense of relief or accomplishment, and a release from old shackles that may have already started to feel like an integral part of yourself.

In fact, 'classically speaking', catharsis is a positive thing through which you manage to let go, "get over", rise above built-up negative sentiments, self-destructive urges and dark thoughts and affords you the opportunity to come out at the other end of your ordeal a new person - you'll be the phoenix rising out of its ashes! :) (An excuse too for creating a new alter-ego and avatar based on that...)

You seem to have just the right attitude, spot on... your decision to vent is also part of that explosive parcel - and a good way to defuse it all.

Anecdotally speaking, I had a very similar experience: I had just left behind my teenage years, and found myself in a new environment, all senses of the word included: geographical, cultural, linguistic, social, financial, occupational, familial, even meteorological, for Easter bunny's sake (censoring myself to avoid unintended offences... but if I were to offend a worshipper of the Easter bunny by saying that?! Come, join me in me in a shared laughter!). As I was saying, teenage blood still coursed through my veins, and the outcome was unapologetically different - I may yet launch into a detailed and hopefully entertaining retelling of it (and that's a threat, I know!:D Head for the doors, everybody, I'm getting warmed up!), but not here (not sure where such self-indulgent "good times!" nostalgia and fool's boasting might belong:)), not now (this post is about you, after all).

Suffice to say that although I did retaliate, I despise brutality, and my act, though physical, was a measured insult rather than demented aggression. My supreme "superior" was protected by nepotism, on top of hierarchy, yet I suffered no retaliation, because all others had good opinions of me and no complaints, while he had knowingly deposited enough insults to warrant a sizeable "withdrawal" or "return on investment" - with interest - and the question of workplace harassment was raised by me, which the management preferred not to explore. I hope that matters might be similarly settled in your case, even if you're more than willing to leave that apparent den of misery, because 'right is right', not might - and blatant abuse of power is as distasteful a show of might as is possible to conceive, "realpolitik" be damned.

[spencer]

My niece, Piper, is six years old. She is my wife's brother's daughter. Recently, she was diagnosed with Schimke Immunoosseous Dysplasia (SIOD). You can read about it here (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK1376/). Basically, it as an extremely rare genetic disorder that means she will probably not live past 18.

Piper is a vibrant, happy child and my daughter's cousin. They see each other about once a month, but it is like they were never apart at all. Piper is in dance, cheerleading and a very bright young lady. She is undersized (this is one characteristic of the syndrome), but her heart is as big as they come.

Currently, her doctors' reports look pretty good. Her heart is strong and her kidneys are doing OK. The only issue that she currently has is that one hip is larger than the other.

I come here today to ask you to hope for her, to pray for her, to think about her. I care not if you are Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, Buddhist, Taoist, Confucionist, Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, Mormon, Agnostic, Atheist, Deist or any other religion (or lack thereof) that I have omitted from the list. Please hope for her. Please hope every day that she will be OK. Please pray that a miracle treatment will be found. Please hold all of those close to you as each day is precious.

Please hope for her.

[Elrond]

Certain things bring about strong emotions, turbulent thoughts, and utter speechlessness! And this is one of those things. Peace to all!

[thingirl]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Spencer. I will keep you and Piper in my payers.

[texlaw1992]

My thought and prayers to her and you Spencer.

[Tetracapillactomist]

I come here today to ask you to hope for her, to pray for her, to think about her. I care not if you are Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, Buddhist, Taoist, Confucionist, Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, Mormon, Agnostic, Atheist, Deist or any other religion (or lack thereof) that I have omitted from the list. Please hope for her. Please hope every day that she will be OK. Please pray that a miracle treatment will be found. Please hold all of those close to you as each day is precious.

Please hope for her.

That is heart-rending. So is your tear-stained plea, Spencer.
And life keeps coming...

I will hope for her. And think of you all.

And I think, and hope, so will others, who will find themselves too overwhelmed to find words... so I post this in their name as well, whoever they may be - in order to encourage you, Spencer, and your niece, Piper. Hope.

The rest cannot fit into words...

Our hopes accompany you all.

[demojan777]

Love and light to you and your family, Spencer.

[spencer]

Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts, prayers and hope, both here and via PM. I will keep everyone posted on her progress. Peace to you all.

[Oldschool]

Like most, I'm guessing, I'm also at a loss for words. Just know that she and your extended family are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

[Doolipalally]

Spencer, that's heart-rending news. Wishing strength and courage to Piper and all her family.

[Badstench]

The following doesn't need a response.

I'm splashing my thoughts down, because I need to express my feelings.

My Father died nine years ago. He succumbed to cancer.

One of my over-riding memories of his last days was hearing him groan in pain. Mother looked after him dutifully, presenting a strong face and doing what she could to ease his suffering. She loved him to bits.

They lived in a cottage that fronted a beach. It was built on a base of sand, and the piles desperately needed strengthening. The house needed a paint job and the roof needed fixing. In the winter, the cottage was cold. In the summer, it was hot.

I promised to come help with fixing things, but never quite got around to it.

Dad died, mum still owns the cottage (but she's rarely in residence).

Before he died, he spent a day in Hawkes Bay, which is where my extended family lives. My three sisters were with him.

At the time, my brother and me were living in Auckland. He received a phone call from a sister asking us to come to Hawkes Bay to spend time with dad... the whole family with him in one place at the same time.

When we arrived, my mother fell to tears. She didn't know we were on the way.

Dad lay on a bed, grey and sickly. The look in his eyes was one of amazed gratitude; that we had journeyed to be with him.

It was the last time the whole family was under one roof at the same time.

The next time we were all together, we were burying our father.

*

I had a dream the other night, and I woke feeling sad.

I was with my brother, and we were on our way to offer our services to fix the cottage. When we arrived, the house was in darkness. We knew dad was inside, but we couldn't find him.

I opened the fridge, only to find it empty. There was no food or drink.

I called out, "Dad?"

At the furthest end of the cottage is the room where I used to have my bedroom, and the glow of a light showed from beneath the closed door.

"Dad? Are you in there?"

I didn't want to frighten him, thinking we were burglars, so I knocked on the door.

Then opened it.

*

I received a phone call from my son the other night, and my first comment was hidden behind a laugh.

"Is this a social call, or do you need something?"

Turns out he was flat broke and asking for twenty bucks to buy food. He sounded apologetic, but I was so happy to hear from him that I promised more than $20 and promptly deposited $100 into his account.

We talked for ages, and I'm already booked to fly down to see him come June.

He is my son, just like I am my father's son.

This is why I didn't renew my Sryth membership straight away. The money went to Daniel, my son.

[texlaw1992]

... the expression "the prodigal son returns."

Good luck!

[Scarbrow]

Maybe I'm very sensitive right now (I was speaking to my lawyer yesterday, mi divorce is finally coming to an end), or you're a very talented writer. Maybe both. I lost my father when I was ten, that might affect me too. Anyway, I was very touched by reading your post.

Congratulations and good luck when you meet.

[Young Ned]

Anyway, I was very touched by reading your post.

As was I. Best wishes to both of you.

[Blackcrowe]

Sadly its a serious post from me today-

Having recently started a new job I've been sent on a five week training course. There are twenty of us attending the course and we all hail from various parts of the country. Over the duration of the course (we are three weeks in) we all pretty much live in each others pockets. Studying together all day, staying in the same hotel, dining together, going out to the cinema, bars, restaurants, clubs together on an evening etc. The good thing is that everyone in the group gets on extremely well so its been more fun than work. Its rare to bring a group of 20 strangers together and have everyone get on so well so we all have been feeling extremely lucky to have met such a great bunch of people.

Tragically though one of the group died on Wednesday. He seemed in good health at breakfast with everyone else and returned to his room to get something while we all headed into training. He never came back from his room and was found dead an hour later when someone went looking for him, having died as a result of a pre-existing condition. He was 21.

Its hit the whole group hard, particularly the younger ones, some of whom are only teenagers, but this of course is nothing compared to what this young mans family and friends will be suffering having seen him start a new job and go off to a distant city to start his training with his whole life ahead of him then not come back.

Everyone has returned home for the weekend and we reconvene on Monday. I thought that it would be appropriate to do something more than send a wreath to his funeral.

Ideally I would like us to do something which will serve not only to occupy the minds of those who are feeling most upset but let them feel that they are contributing something, as everyone always feels so powerless when somebody dies unexpectedly. More importantly I would like us to contribute something that in some small way lets his family and friends know that he wasn't all alone in a strange place when he died. There are a group of people that he made a big impression on and up until the time he died he was enjoying his time away, was making new friends, he was happy and the life and soul of the party. Small consolation as this may be to them its still something I feel may be beneficial and will be an appropriate mark of respect for somebody that we grew very fond of despite only knowing him for a short space of time.

The difficulty is that I don't know what to suggest we do. It may not seem appropriate for me to post on a public forum about the death of someone I've only known for three weeks when there are many more people who are touched by his death in so many greater ways. But regardless of the length of time I and the others have known him I've done this in the hope that someone may have a suggestion of what we can do as a group in order to pay our respects in a fitting way rather than miss the opportunity to do so completely. If anyone has any ideas please PM me or post on here. Thanks.

[texlaw1992]

How unfortunate, and at such a young age.

I might suggest some of the others record tributes to the young man in question using their cellphones (or videocameras) so the family knows that he passed away among friends.

[Tetracapillactomist]

Sorry to hear that, BC.

Is it possible for the group to be present? To visit the family? I think that would more telling, more expressive of your support and sympathy than most anything else... If at all possible.

Apart from that... If there were photos taken - of him, in company of various members of the group - a commemorative album could be assembled...

Perhaps each member desirous and capable of doing so, could write a remembrance note, mentioning what the tragically departed came to mean to them personally or to your group as a whole - maybe the personality trait that most impressed each of you, one or more aspects of his character that left an indelible mark in your hearts, individually... This may also prove cathartic to those among you most affected by your new friend's death (while also achieving some of your aim: of occupying the minds and giving some sense of contribution to those most upset).

If that were to be done, the notes could then be made integral part of the photo album, perhaps pages containing photos interspersed with some of these individual notes, or each photographic page separated from the next by one of them, all bound together...

If this could be presented to his loved ones, and at least part of the funeral attended by as many of you as were able to do so, I think that might really convince his family that he didn't really spend his last days among strangers...

Again, my sympathies to all those affected by his passing: his family and friends - including his newest ones, namely you and the entire group...

[Doolipalally]

What a horrible thing to happen, for everybody concerned. I've had a similar experience, going on a residential course with a group of people who became firm friends, and I can't imagine how we would have reacted if one of us had died.

The only idea I had was the same as TC's - an album of some sort to show his family how he'd spent the last few days of his life, and that he was appreciated. Of course, that does partly depend on how many people have appropriate photos, but I think the idea of including notes and tributes as well is good. If I think of anything else I'll let you know: mind's a bit blank at the moment.

[spencer]

I think that you should ask everyone to contribute how they would like. If someone wants to be recorded, then that is what they should do. If someone else desires to write something or draw something, then that would be the most appropriate. I think that asking each person to make his or her own tribute would be appropriate.

I am truly sorry for the loss. I know how shocked and grieved everyone must feel.

[Oldschool]

Can't think of anything to add Blackcrowe just wanted to add my support and sympathy.

[Blackcrowe]

Thanks so much for the responses guys. There/s been some really good ideas put forward.

I'll suggest these to the rest of the group and I'm sure they'll be pleased to do something along those lines (unless anyone else has come up with a different suggestion that they agree would be more appropriate).

The community here has shown itself to be thoughtful, caring and considerate once again. Here's hoping that it won't be long before this thread finds itself a home for happier discussions (perhaps someone will want help planning an awesome birthday party or need advice on which car to buy after winning some money on the lottery), but till then its good to know that there's a place people can find advice or support when life deals cards from the bottom of the deck. Thank you.

[scout1idf]

Can't think of anything to add Blackcrowe just wanted to add my support and sympathy.

I just want to echo what Oldschool said.

I never know what to say in these situations and usually say something stupid that I regret as it finishes leaving my mouth and finally reaches my brain.

[Badstench]

My friend...

I read your story and had lots to say, but was adequately beaten to the punch.

Except to say... to know someone and then to know they died at such a young age is tragic.

However, there is a time to feel sad and a time to realise that... sometimes, you have to let other people express their sorrow in your stead.

What I'm saying is... you didn't have time with him to know his joys like his family and friends did. His passing reminds them of the good times, and will do so forever.

You new him fleetingly, and though the short time of your acquaintance might have been memorable, they will be fleeting too. Let sorrow fall to those who loved him.

Don't beat yourself up!

[spencer]

I just wanted to thank everyone again for their kind words, thoughts, prayers and hopes.

Unfortunately, Piper's condition has worsened. She is having serious problems with her kidney function and must begin dialysis this week. They are hoping to improve the function enough to get her ready for a transplant. Obviously, she is not doing as well as we hoped, but she is still full of love and laughter and her energy level should improve with the dialysis. Again, I thank you all for all your kind words and positive thoughts.

[Tetracapillactomist]

You know what I have to say, Spencer, so I won't say it...

My hope is on Piper's side and her parents' and yours - all of yours.

[Young Ned]

I'm so sorry to hear it, Spencer. Best wishes for Piper's improved health.

[Badstench]

On the upside, I saw a news item about a kitten that got stuck in a pipe. The fire department cut it open and freed the kitten, and then they called it "Piper".

[Tetracapillactomist]

Let's take that as a good omen, and continue to wish little Piper well...

[spencer]

Thank you both, we will take all the positive omens we can get.

[spencer]

I have been reluctant to post this, but I feel that I must. My niece, Piper, has grown very ill. She had a stroke last week and is currently at Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville. She initially recovered very well, but as of today, she cannot see and is not communicating. She is not in a coma, but is having a series of mini-seizures that are preventing her from speaking or seeing. The doctors believe that her brain is trying to "reboot" and do not seem to think it is terribly unusual. My family was there all last weekend and will return this weekend. Please keep Piper and her family in your thoughts and prayers. She is a fighter and we are ever hopeful. Thank you all so much for your support, concern, thoughts and prayers.

[Oldschool]

Thoughts and prayers Spencer.

[texlaw1992]

Best of luck Spencer and Piper.

[smv1973]

So sorry to hear that Spencer. I hope Piper's condition will get better soon. My thoughts, prayers and all the best of luck to her as well as your family.

[Tetracapillactomist]

I've said my support, in private, but as you said none of it's too much, I'll just voice my good wishes here as well, Spencer: I do wish her full recovery, and all of you, but Piper now most of all, the best of what life might offer.

[Young Ned]

:( Good thoughts on the way...

[spencer]

Thanks again, all. We are ever hopeful. She is very slowly, improving.

[Tetracapillactomist]

With a bit of a sigh of relief, that's good to hear... Best wishes still, and continuously, for a recovery without fail.

[Doolipalally]

Good news. Hoping that the recovery continues.

[Young Ned]

Likewise. Continuing good wishes to her and your whole family.

[Scarbrow]

Seconded. Good luck Spencer and Piper.

[Badstench]

Deep and meaningful conversation coming up.... I'm in a contemplative mood.

I'm one of those guys who didn't get much from schooling years. I didn't go to university or gain a higher education. But I do alright now. I earn a good wage with a good company that recognizes effort and results. My reward is a comfortable lifestyle in an enviable apartment in an up-market suburb of Auckland City.

Today, I heard about a guy who committed suicide. He was a friend of my brother, but also a person I had come into contact with. I remember him from evenings spent behind a glass of beer and funny stories.

His name was Ryan.

The reason he committed 'sideways' is a mystery; he has/had a beautiful wife and a good job. It's not for me to question the mind of someone so desperate as to commit the ultimate act of desperation. To be honest, I don't underrstand it.

But that's not the point of my post.

In thinking of Ryan, I was reminded of a lesson given by my math teacher at High School; something that stuck with me. He said... "The Law of Probability is always in my mind when I greet a new class every year. Some of you will fail. Some of you will fail and go on to be successful regardless. Some of you will succeed through you own endeavours or by the help of someone else."

What he was saying was... he was a teacher. It was up to us whether we learned anything from his teachings. In effect, he was telling us that our destinies were in our own hands.

Which is all good and well, until he closed the conversation with more statistics.

Said he... "The reality is, within this class of thirty students I guarantee you, some of you will be rich, some of you will be struggling, and some of you will be dead."

I remember his words and think about the people who were my friends at that time. Darryl Lambert drowned in a boating accident, Ken Brown went to work in a factory, got married and had three children, Janie Moris died of cancer, Katherine became a high levelled financier, Clive went to varsity and studied sociology, then became a criminal psychologist, Neil managed an orchard that specialised in Kiwifruit. Now he's a departmental manager for one of New Zealand's high powered fruit export companies. Mike left school with no qualifications and is now an airline pilot.

The words rattle around in my head... "And some of you will be dead!"

I wonder, now, if my teacher meant 'dead' literally, or figuratively. Yes, some of my ex-classmates are dead - gone to the big man in the sky - but some of them are also 'dead' in a different sense. They are alive, but living an existence I can't fathom. They have never moved more than a hundred miles from where they were born.

But here's something that has never happened to me personally... I don't know any one of my ex-class-mates committed suicide. Not one.

My brother knows five. When he was telling me about Ryan, his exact words were, "The silly farker topped himself".

For some reason, that non-chalant remark rang alarm bells for me. I can't exactly explain why... but I'm going to call my brother tonight.

Like I said, I am not acquainted with any suicides, and I want to keep it that way!

[Tetracapillactomist]

Right you are, I think. Never hurts to talk to him. Things aren't always logical or obvious, at least not immediately and superficially.
A person's mind is their own, and regardless how perfect their lives may appear to outside and casual observers, there may be dark stormy clouds gathering in their heads...
Don't ask directly about the subject, don't try to steer the conversation or force it, or any subject, including that of the suicide, just talk about everything, take cues from him and follow, let him talk about what he seems to want to talk about, then follow the tracks left by his concerns and words, and once he livens up about something, and begins to talk in earnest, let him talk - that way, if there is indeed something, it might surface without you trying to extract it from him...
Then, once you sense that you'd hit upon something, follow your instincts as casually and naturally as you can. And if it turns out he's deeply affected by something in particular, or you feel you may have hit on a live nerve, a trigger issue, follow your own lead. Focus in on that, bluntly or carefully, depending on what makes him more receptive of your words - you know him better.

Well, in the end that's all there is to this: you do know him better... And your instinct just told you something might be off. Go with that, don't brush it away as 'ah, I'm just being silly.' Maybe you are, but that doesn't matter: better silly than sorry.

Good luck.

[spencer]

Piper is going home tomorrow :) I visited with her this weekend and though she is not back to her normal rambunctious self, she is on the road to recovery from this stroke. She still has a long way to go and the genetic disorder is still there, but each day her parents can hold her is a true blessing. We are ever hopeful that she will someday have a full recovery and live a long, happy life. I thought that I would share some good news and thank everyone again and let you all know that your words, thoughts and prayers have helped are are so very, very appreciated.

[Tetracapillactomist]

:) I hope she returns to that rambunctious self. :)

[Elrond]

Piper is going home tomorrow :) I visited with her this weekend and though she is not back to her normal rambunctious self, she is on the road to recovery from this stroke. She still has a long way to go and the genetic disorder is still there, but each day her parents can hold her is a true blessing. We are ever hopeful that she will someday have a full recovery and live a long, happy life. I thought that I would share some good news and thank everyone again and let you all know that your words, thoughts and prayers have helped are are so very, very appreciated.

A ray of light in this foreboding chapter is very much welcome. Prayers and best wishes!

[Oldschool]

Good to hear Spencer and here's to hoping and praying for a continued and full recovery.

[Young Ned]

Piper is going home tomorrow :) I visited with her this weekend and though she is not back to her normal rambunctious self, she is on the road to recovery from this stroke. She still has a long way to go and the genetic disorder is still there, but each day her parents can hold her is a true blessing. We are ever hopeful that she will someday have a full recovery and live a long, happy life. I thought that I would share some good news and thank everyone again and let you all know that your words, thoughts and prayers have helped are are so very, very appreciated.

Very glad to hear it, spencer! I hope she regains her rambunctiousness soon. :D

[texlaw1992]

I'm sure most of you have heard or read something about the wildfires sweeping through large parts of Texas. I think it's divine punishment for Rick Perry, but I digress.

I've long figured I was way too far away from any of the fires to be affected.

Well, I found out that I'm away from the fires, but the smoke is a different story.

I walked out this morning and sniff, sure though something was burning. Then I realized the whole suburb has a layer of smoke over it.

I wondered if there was a fire nearby or something, but life continued unabated except for the annoying smoke.

I've read that it will continue to hang around for a few days.

So, I'll be spending more time indoors when I'm home.

[Tetracapillactomist]

Be safe, be unharmed, good people.

[spencer]

I'm sure most of you have heard or read something about the wildfires sweeping through large parts of Texas. I think it's divine punishment for Rick Perry, but I digress.

I've long figured I was way too far away from any of the fires to be affected.

Well, I found out that I'm away from the fires, but the smoke is a different story.

I walked out this morning and sniff, sure though something was burning. Then I realized the whole suburb has a layer of smoke over it.

I wondered if there was a fire nearby or something, but life continued unabated except for the annoying smoke.

I've read that it will continue to hang around for a few days.

So, I'll be spending more time indoors when I'm home.


Sorry to hear about it, texlaw. I hope that is the worst that will happen. Take care.

[Doolipalally]

Glad you're away from the actual fires, Tex, but I know smoke can be a pain. We had the same thing here last summer. Here's hoping for a quick end to it.

[texlaw1992]

To my own surprise, the air was a lot clearer today (at least compared to yesterday). There was no smoky smell in the air.

Hopefully that will continue. Some of the wildfires are about to enter the very northern tip of the county (quite a ways away from me), but should be contained fairly soon.

So, here's hoping for no more smoke at least.

[Young Ned]

To my own surprise, the air was a lot clearer today (at least compared to yesterday). There was no smoky smell in the air.

Hopefully that will continue. Some of the wildfires are about to enter the very northern tip of the county (quite a ways away from me), but should be contained fairly soon.

So, here's hoping for no more smoke at least.
Glad to hear it! Good luck to you and your county.

[texlaw1992]

Well, a massive grassfire just broke out a few miles down the road from me.

It appears that the fire is moving to the northeast, away from my neighborhood.

Fortunately the area of the fire (George Bush Park) is surrounded by levees, so hopefully they'll act as a firebreak.

However, the fire's only about a mile from the freeway I use to get home, meaning I might not be able to go home. We'll see.

[Young Ned]

Dang. Good luck!

[texlaw1992]

Made it home ok - there's a 2-mile stretch of road along the freeway that smells of nothing but smoke. They've closed two roads which head south, but they're more than a few miles away and I understand the fire's contained. So, we'll see what tomorrow brings.

[texlaw1992]

For those who are wondering, it's now 90% contained and poses no real threat to any residential areas. Now the damage to the park itself will be significant, but if the wind had blown south instead of north, a number of subdivisions would have gone up in flames.

Here's hoping for no more fires nearby.

[Young Ned]

Glad to hear it, Tex! I hope your neighborhood continues fire-free...

[spencer]

Piper was back in dance class today :)

[scout1idf]

That's awesome Spencer.

Here's to a long and hopefully healthy life....

[Tetracapillactomist]

Oh, WOW!!! :D Don't know what to say! :) I really don't... :)

Great news, Spencer! Worth all the smiling and feel-good grins! :)

[Oldschool]

Great news Spencer and continued prayers and good wishes for her and your extended families.

[thingirl]

Aww :) Pretty Ballerina :) That's such wonderful news :).

[Young Ned]

So glad to hear it, spencer! I don't suppose this means she has fully recovered from the stroke that quickly, but it sounds like she's made a lot of progress. Best wishes for her continued recovery.

[Blackcrowe]

Its always nice to see some happy news. I'm sure everyones really pleased to hear that Spencer. :)

[spencer]

Thank you all for your kindest of words. The genetic disorder is still there and she has not fully recovered from the stroke, but she is back in school, she has a big chunk of her personality back and we are all very thankful for her miraculous recovery to this point.

[Tesability]

ANYtime the mind decides it doesn't wanna work right is nastiness in its own right. Glad to hear that she is slowly but surely recovering from the snake-eyes her mind rolled up on her.

(Sorry, been in a gambling mood, hence the gambling term. >.>)

[Lightwielder]

ANYtime the mind decides it doesn't wanna work right is nastiness in its own right.

Yeah, but for me, that can vary daily. :p

[texlaw1992]

I wish her and you well.

[Scarbrow]

Piper was back in dance class today :)

Heartfelt congratulations, Spencer! May her recover completely and live the fullest life she can wish for.

[Antumbra]

I am so happy she is better Spencer - it has been a worrying time for you.

I apologise for being so late with my good wishes but have been a bit laid up with an unexpected collision between myself and the floor at work.

[texlaw1992]

Hope you feel better from your "allision" with the floor. Good luck.

Definitions - collision - two moving objects hit each other.

allision - moving object hits a stationary object.

[thingirl]

Aww, Sorry to hear about that Ant. :)

You kissed the floor. You tested gravity. You dodged the ninja attack.

Yeah... Happens to me all the time... And not always on stuff as soft as floor... :)

[Tetracapillactomist]

Hope you're well, Ant - laid up? Not so minor then... Well, I hope you've recovered... (You're behind schedule... kidding. :) All events and adventures in good time, and the Halloween one still around the next corner.)

[Badstench]

I remember a time when me and a friend were play-fighting in the kitchen. I went into the Karate-Kid-Whooping-Crane pose, kicked out, slipped on the lino floor and landed on my ass with a thump. My foot went through the glass pane of the back door and I smacked my head against a kitchen cupboard.

To this day, that same friend says I have a weird way of fighting... I beat myself up!

[racey]

I remember a time when me and a friend were play-fighting in the kitchen. I went into the Karate-Kid-Whooping-Crane pose, kicked out, slipped on the lino floor and landed on my ass with a thump. My foot went through the glass pane of the back door and I smacked my head against a kitchen cupboard.

To this day, that same friend says I have a weird way of fighting... I beat myself up!

Just picture that scenario. LMAO!

[Young Ned]

Sorry to hear about your accident, Antumbra. Hope you're feeling all better now, or at least soon!

Hope you feel better from your "allision" with the floor. Good luck.

Definitions - collision - two moving objects hit each other.

allision - moving object hits a stationary object.
How do you know that floor wasn't moving? It probably jumped right out at her!

I remember a time when me and a friend were play-fighting in the kitchen. I went into the Karate-Kid-Whooping-Crane pose, kicked out, slipped on the lino floor and landed on my ass with a thump. My foot went through the glass pane of the back door and I smacked my head against a kitchen cupboard.

To this day, that same friend says I have a weird way of fighting... I beat myself up!
Ha-ha, very Laurel & Hardy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laurel_and_Hardy:_Style_of_comedy_and_characteriza tions) of you! :D

[spencer]

Good wishes are ALWAYS welcome. In fact, I believe that there is no such thing as "late" good wishes, Antumbra. I am sorry to hear about your fall. I hope that you have a speedy and full recovery. Thank you for your kind words.